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Original poster

Paying for a babysitter but husband staying in!

88 replies

TortoiseInAShell · 27/11/2014 01:46

I am SAHM for medical reasons, and use up a lot of my precious savings each week to pay for a half day free from childcare each week.

I do this because DH complains that he is too tired after working full-time, and he looks to me to be there all the time for the kids, but I have MS so get horrible symptoms and desperately fatigued, and need a break once in a while.

I make sure my break is when DH is at work, so it doesn't affect him. But recently he changed his work schedule and was off. He complained all morning about our teething toddler being a "pain in the arse" while we tried to get some Christmas shopping done, but then when the paid help arrived in the afternoon, he chose to stay at home and help the babysitter!

He knows she doesn't need his help; she's a professional and has been working for us for a very long time now. So I ended up paying for my DH and a babysitter to look after DC while I got a rest, when DH could have easily done it by himself and saved me the cash.

For some reason I am hopping mad about it and I can't fully explain why.
I know we should be free to choose our own path and I should probably have just been grateful for the opportunity to have my own break for a few hours, and that I should let him make his own decisions freely. But it peeves me that he complains about looking after them and then chooses to - with someone else! BTW, I don't suspect any foul play there, but it annoys me that I've paid a lot of money for no good reason. I felt a bit betrayed in a funny kind of way and can't really explain why.

Can anyone shed any light on it, from an outside perspective?

OP posts:
Original poster
TortoiseInAShell · 27/11/2014 02:23

Thanks for your input and I will request the change of place like you suggest. Thanks

OP posts:
CookieLady · 27/11/2014 02:26

Regardless of what his letter shows, if he's well enough a lot of the times then he needs to pitch in during those periods. As for the rich bitch comment! Angry In my opinion there's something very wrong in a when you can't rely on your partner and I'm speaking from experience.

CookieLady · 27/11/2014 02:27

Has he always been like this or did this unpleasant side to him surface after you had your child?

Greenkit · 27/11/2014 02:38

Any man who wont have HIS children for a few hours each week so his ill wife could have a much needed rest, would be an ex..

There are things you can let slide and this isnt one. Where is the joint parenting the wanting to look after his children to help out his wife or even just to spend some time with his children.

GarlicNovember · 27/11/2014 02:55

he would argue that I CAN do it, even if I pay for it health wise.

when he complains of being tired I don't feel I can ask him to pull out the stops

How bloody dare he?! He's basically saying "I don't care how ill you get."
Angry
Meanwhile, you're being all empathetic about him feeling tired and sometimes being unwell. You have MS! It's essential that you balance your needs, because you'll be a lot worse than tired & liverish otherwise. You didn't get a medical pension for being tired, did you?

He's coming across as unacceptably self-centred, I'm afraid.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 27/11/2014 07:03

I'm ShockShock at this arrangement. I can't believe that you feel you have to use your savings in order to get a break from looking after your children. Your husband should be ashamed that he isn't pulling his weight and giving you a break, they are his children after all.

anitimatter · 27/11/2014 07:15

Is the problem of both of you not understanding each other's health conditions?
Maybe worth going to each others appointments and get familiar with what drugs each is taking, it's side effects etc.
Lack of communication on top of busy life can kill any marriage.
Add illness on top of it and you are going to see cracks appearing if relationship isn't strong.

Besides - if either of you health deteriorates - what the other spouce is going to do?
You both have to look after each other.

anitimatter · 27/11/2014 07:15

*spouse!

Pelicangiraffe · 27/11/2014 07:16

I know you mentioned he's in his 40's but it's not like being in his 80's! Yes he must feel tired with his liver sometimes but otherwise he is fine. How often is his liver bad?

My DH has the kids for an hour or two here and there a couple of times a week. This seems a very normal set up despite him working/commuting long hours.

petalsandstars · 27/11/2014 07:22

If my DH behaved Like this it would be a deal breaker - too tired to pull his weight? Run a house by yourself then H and support your child too. I could have no respect for a man like this at all Sad

Pelicangiraffe · 27/11/2014 07:24

If you believe your DH could look after the kids but is choosing not to, he is being very selfish. Is he usually very self centred?

EverythingsRunningAway · 27/11/2014 07:25

Nothing about this is OK.

You are not a SAHM, you are a mother who is too sick to work.

But you are having to use your savings and medical pension for childcare, despite having a working husband...

"I do this because DH complains that he is too tired after working full-time, and he looks to me to be there all the time for the kids"

Confused

Only the most selfish, lazy, and fundamentally sexist men think that having a SAHM means they get to look to someone else to be there all the time for his children.

You are unwell, he doesn't get to make those kinds of demands of you.

You must feel terribly trapped with him to accept him treating you this way when you are sick.

KwaziisEyepatch · 27/11/2014 07:28

How can he not want to share the cost of childcare to help you when you're ill? I just don't understand this approach to marriage, it's meant to be a team where both members support each other. I'm sorry you're in this position. Hopefully this thread has helped you understand why you (rightly) feel so angry. It's up to you whether it's a deal breaker for you or not but if it's a symptom of a wider attitude I certainly wouldn't want to live in a 'partnership' like that.

KwaziisEyepatch · 27/11/2014 07:35

Oh, and his income should be for the family, not for him. You're enabling him to earn it by being at home full time. You might like to point that out.

ChasedByBees · 27/11/2014 07:37

He really is a pig isn't he?

That is such a sexist, selfish attitude I can't get my head around it. My DH does a significant amount of the childcare while I work - sometimes long hours but I always make sure I help look after our child (as much as possible as I want to be with her). I know what hard work it is to keep children entertained. The childcare costs come out of our joint income too.

He is being hugely unreasonable that a) you have to pay for all childcare when he brings in the primary income; b) he won't help with his own children and c) he calls you names that show he has no respect for you.

ASunnyTiger · 27/11/2014 07:41

To me it would feel as though my DH was trying to impress the babysitter by making himself look really helpful a considerate, when the truth is he does the absolute minimum that he can get away with. It would also highlight how little he was willing to help me and make me question how much he cared about me. You have MS, it's not something you chose! You should get help - I do and I've no health issues. Any of that hitting the mark?

Dolallytats · 27/11/2014 08:22

He's your husband-what happened to 'in sickness and in health'? You have MS, it's not like you're lying on the sofa eating chocolate all day.

I do not think he is being fair. I would be angry too.

crumblebumblebee · 27/11/2014 08:31

I agree with this "You are not a SAHM, you are a mother who is too sick to work." I am sad for you that you are feeling that you are questioning if it might be you who is being unreasonable here when, to an outsider, it is obvious that your husband is the issue. What is your relationship like otherwise?

PetiteBateau · 27/11/2014 08:43

Well he sounds like a selfish arsehole

anitimatter · 27/11/2014 08:54

He clearly expects you to spend your medical pension on the babysitter not saving it!

SocksRock · 27/11/2014 08:58

OK. I have just become a SAHM due to work stress and anxiety. I have good days and some really bad ones. DH is carrying on getting childcare vouchers so I can have 2 half days a week with all the children out of the house. Compared to you, I am not that ill, but he and I believe that this use of FAMILY money will help us all. I can go to counselling and doctors appointments on my own, and get housework etc done which I stress about if I can't get done with the kids around.

I think your husband is being wildly unreasonable and needs to step up.

NerdyBird · 27/11/2014 08:59

Your husband should be doing more to help. Whether that's physical childcare or paying towards it. Sounds like he is very self centred and doesn't care about your health as much as he cares about himself and his own much less serious problems (from what you have put here).

Marylou62 · 27/11/2014 09:26

As a nanny and someone who has done similar work, I would find this quite odd! Can you change her days? I would ...

ssd · 27/11/2014 09:31

your dh, and I'd remove that d if I were you, stayed to help the babysitter as he didnt want her to think hes an arsehole who cant be bothered looking after his own kids

but he doesnt mind showing you his true colours

Original poster
TortoiseInAShell · 27/11/2014 09:36

Definitely those of you who have suggested he is selfish are right; if he has one really big flaw then that's it. He often talks of how settling down and having children (one in his late 30's - the other in his early 40's) later in life means that he is accustomed to his selfish habits.

It's not that he never helps out, in some ways we both end up doing everything and nothing if that makes sense. What I mean by that is we are both working to look after the children on his days off from work, and neither of us are getting a break. However it gets confusing because each expects the other has changed nappies or provided milk and snacks, so often we're late doing these things as we thought the other person did it.

I keep suggesting that we divide time up more wisely and give each other some of the day off, but then take responsibility for the DC solely while the other person takes time off. He runs straight to his Mum's or his sister's when that happens, so he can share the workload. He seems to get panicky about the idea and is grumpy as a bear with a sore head by the time his childcare duties are over. It makes it feel not worth fighting for because of the backlash.

Having said that, as a result of relate earlier this year, he finally agreed to taking it in turns to do early breakfast with DC on his days off, so the other person can get up more slowly. That's worked out quite well.

I don't mind too much paying for the childcare because he pays for all the household bills and I pay for my phone and the car related bills. I might charge him for the episode this week where he stayed in though.

I don't like living with a selfish person but it is his one big glaringly obvious fault. I suppose I tell myself (rightly or wrongly) that if it wasn't this it would be something else.

I had some post natal counselling and mentioned all of this. The counsellor asked about when I get worse with MS, because that's inevitable, and the only answer I could give was that I would source help externally. I suppose I feel responsible for being a burden on other people and I would never want my DC to have to look after me, so I suppose I feel a bit the same about my DH, especially as he seems to be really good in an emergency but not for the ongoing chronic stuff.

OP posts:
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