Dc wants to go into foster care

[JavelinArse]

My nine year old son has decided he wants to leave our family home and live in foster care, he has told his aunt that 'anything would be better than being at home' because I am really horrible to him.

I was taken aback when she told me, I was aware that he had been a bit unhappy recently but haven't really felt like there was anything to be too worried about.

Obviously I don't want this to happen, have anyone else's pre-teens expressed similar wishes, how did you handle it?

I should probably add that I don't think it is likely that he would be taken into LA care but how much say does a child have over these things?

Are things really bad at home? I remember when I was wee shouting at my parents that I hated them and wanted to be adopted. I think its fairly normal?

Is he exaggerating or are things really bad at home?

Can you provide a little more context / background info?

Oh dear :(

What's brought this on?

I assume it's a lot more serious that the average pre teen strop about living with nana or going to boarding school?

tell him it really wont be like Tracy Beaker, really it wont

How does he know about foster care? It seems like an unusual thing for a child to say - I know they talk about living with someone else or a friends family, but foster care is unusual.

Is SS involved?

Have you talked with him about why he's unhappy? Sounds like he needs some loving attention.

This sounds awful :( I have a 9 year old who wouldn't have a clue of the existence of social services or what foster care was.
Where has he heard of these places?
What does he perceive to be " really horrible "?
Hope you're ok op

Any changes at home?

And you've all this through the aunt? Is she your sister?

I think lots of children in "ordinary" or "normal" families know about foster care because of Tracy Beaker on CBBC, as Sunny says, or from other widely available and perfectly standard children's fiction... They may also know foster families - my DC are aware of it as a relative fosters, for example. So its not necessarily anything worse than wanting to go and live with grandparents because of some mistaken idea it will be more fun/ better than an unexceptional home life.

More background definitely needed for anyone to make meaningful comment - DC can't just randomly be taken into care without an investigation though, and won't be if there is no reason for it.

Honestly, he really really really doesn't want to go into FC. He won't get a say in where he goes, who else if there, the rules in the house. He may be moved on if FC gives up fostering or if his behaviour is too poor.

Maybe with his aunt go through with him the things he isn't happy about and why, and what he would like to change.

And talk to him about FC. FC isn't like Tracey Beaker, it's like any other family with rules and restrictions. And restrictions can be tighter than at home, eg regarding sleepovers. An LA won't take a child into care just because he's cross with his parents. Things need to be really bad. Unless you are struggling don't even consider flagging yourself up to the LA.

Do you believe the aunt? Is he particularly close to her that he'd be confiding in this way? I suppose it's a variation on time-honoured plans of little kids to run away from home but, if it was my DS, I'd really want to hear it from them directly.

I have a similar aged dc and I think you need to take this seriously as he is trying to reach out to someone and this is better dealt with before he reaches the teen stage.My ds knows about adoption/foster care as friends have adopted and he feels very sad for children in care so I can't see how your son views this as an 'easy' option.

Ask him about it. Fairly soon.

I packed my bags several times when I was a kid. My mum always persuaded me to stay for tea, then to have a good night sleep before I went, and everything was always better in the morning.

Are you sure this isn't something similar? Have you had a row recently, or is there something else that's going on at home or school that might have upset him?

For what it's worth, I don't think a kid of 9 can just email/phone someone and ask to be taken into care.

Poor you. Is it possible he has a friend in his class who is in foster care? Who might even have explained that FC is a place you go for a break when things are difficult at home, without clarifying the difference in scale?

SS can't take him into care because he asks - they have to have either an order from the courts/police, or you and DS would have to agree to put him in care voluntarily.

Hope that reassures. If there is nothing unusual going on at home then I would try and sit down with him ASAP and find out why on earth he has asked for such a thing.

You should talk to him about his unhappiness in the most unthreatening way.
Do you think you are horrible to him?
I find it slightly worrying that you are more concerned about how much say he has in this than his actual unhappiness.

You don't seem that bothered that he's unhappy. Why on earth haven't you sat him down and spoken to him?

SS can't just take a child into care because it's what they want, though. They either need a police/court order or you and your DS would have to agree with it to happen voluntarily.

Javelin, from your other post, there is clearly a lot going on for him and you at home; you speak of not wanting to be a mother, getting no joy from it. Have you sought help for yourself, and your children in dealing with this? It sounds as if he is picking up on your feelings towards him and his sister.

Not seen the other post, but now that it is mentioned there is clearly a lot more to this... OP will you link to your other post if it is part of the same issue?

Mr Tumble has a good point. Everything is TraceyBeakerish, and most children aware of foster care, and maybe see it as a holiday camp.

But, honestly, OP, you say you were "taken aback", and you also seem more worried about the legal aspect than the fact that your child might be desperately unhappy.

Seems very weird to me. There must be loads more to this. I hope your son gets the help he needs.

It sounds like you (and your DS) need help. This was his cry for help.
Why not contact SS yourself, or get support through the school? Even talk to your GP.

Otherwise you'll all be miserable.

Are you ok op?

JavelinArse - are you the poster who is very depressed about not having a second child?

lovereadingthanks no that's not me, I did post another thread the other day but haven't quite plucked up the courage to go back to it, will do tonight though.

I have been at work all day so not had chance to reply, I don't think things are particularly bad at home for either of my children... I work full time so I am sometimes tired and not in the best of moods but we go out quite a lot, do lots of nice things at home (baking, watching movies together, little craft projects). I make a real effort not to shout and I'm careful about how I phrase things when I do tell them off, I'm all too aware of the power that words have (sticks and stones my arse!) but I'm only human and sometimes I do turn into shouty mum.

My son is fine at school, they have never flagged up any concerns, he's bright and popular and behaviour is very good. Not sure where he has heard about foster care, we live in an area where it's quite possible that he has heard these things being discussed at school or knows children at school that have been in local authority care. I will ask him tonight, I only found out about what he said this morning before I went into work so not had the chance to speak to him properly.

We sometimes have a little chit chat before bedtime so I'll ask him how he is feeling etc.

He is very close to his aunt and I definitely trust her, I could certainly imagine him coming out with what she has said but it was still surprising to hear it.

Hmm I'm not entirely sure what his idea of horrible is, he is very jealous of his little brother so I think he does feel like he always gets a raw deal compared to his little brother. There's normal things like wanting to have an xbox/playstation for Christmas and me saying no, wanting t stay up later on school nights, we have compromised but I know he's not happy that he can't stay up later... Not sure what else.

He is clearly quite unhappy, I struggled to bond with him when he was very small so that probably has something a lot to do with it, I thought that I could make up for the crap start we'd had together but perhaps not?

I am concerned about his happiness, of course I am but I posted here really to try and see if anyone knew what happens when a child expresses these feelings just because I wonder how far it could go, I don't think SS would be interested at all. We have had very brief contact with SS twice in the past due to DV (towards me by DC's dad) but they weren't concerned about the children's welfare.

He seems quite happy this evening, chatting about his day at school and watching tv, I don't really know what to make of it all. Definitely going back over the last 9 years and thinking how have I 'helped' him to become as unhappy as he is now. I do't know, will chat to him this eve and see if he will tell me anything.