Dc wants to go into foster care

[JavelinArse]

My nine year old son has decided he wants to leave our family home and live in foster care, he has told his aunt that 'anything would be better than being at home' because I am really horrible to him.

I was taken aback when she told me, I was aware that he had been a bit unhappy recently but haven't really felt like there was anything to be too worried about.

Obviously I don't want this to happen, have anyone else's pre-teens expressed similar wishes, how did you handle it?

I should probably add that I don't think it is likely that he would be taken into LA care but how much say does a child have over these things?

Oh and my other thread is about feelings of regret about certain life choices, struggling with the enormous responsibility of being a (single) parent... I have ups and downs, don't feel as bad today and it feels manageable but some days I just want to hide from it all.

I suppose all of this is part of it, feeling like a massive failure to have raised a child who this unhappy.

Have there been any expensive school trips he has missed out on because you couldn't afford it?

Looked after children tend be able to go on these - could it be someone has said "I get x, y, z because I am in Foster Care?"

Either things are shockingly bad at home which you would already be aware of presumably OR:

He has been watching too many episodes of Tracy Beaker. M

My DCs regularly talk about how much being in care must be after watching this programme. I say, crack on...

Perhaps he has been watching Tracey beaker (sic) ??

Can his aunt speak to him about why he is so unhappy? I hope he will open up to you, but it's good that he has another family member he gets on with a trusts.

Do you spend much one to one time with just him, without your younger DC there? You mention sibling jealousy, I just wonder how you try to manage it.

You must be so upset to know that he feels like this. I hope you have someone to talk to who can support you too.

I would have given anything to have gone into foster care and that was before Tracey Beaker, but I don't believe I was under any illusions that it would be a fairytale kind of life.

I think you have to take this really seriously, OP. He is clearly very unhappy. Is he jealous of his brother because he feels you love him more? Do you feel you have bonded with him now?

Do you think you're being too hard on him re bedtimes and Christmas presents? It's very hard if you feel you don't fit in at school.

I don't feel that things are that bad for him at home (clearly he thinks otherwise though...), I always make sure he goes on school trips and residentials, he goes to football classes, swimming and has taken music classes in the past (when he wanted to try out an instrument)... I ALWAYS try and make sure he has access to a range of opportunities.

I don't feel like I'm being too hard on him re bedtime, we did reach a compromise which I think it's important for him to learn to be able to do... Not so sure re Christmas presents, we have got one console in the house which I thought was enough.... It's so hard, I don't want him to be unhappy but I can't indulge his every whim.

Casually asked him earlier if he watches Tracey Beaker but he said no (it was coming on t.v so asked him without telling him it was to do with the F.C issue) so not sure where these ideas have come from, it's bedtime very soon so I will gently try and ask him.

I think is does feel that I love his brother more, we have bonded but perhaps not as well as I thought we had? We do get regular one to one time, we usually go play football, have a takeaway and watch tv or go for a long walk but it doesn't seem to be helping him in any way.

You mentioned sticks and stones - what kind of things have you said to him?

I really wouldn't leave such an important and potentially distressing conversation until bedtime. Result could well be not enough time to explore it fully, and a very upset child needing to get to sleep.

Could it wait until early evening tomorrow, or even the weekend?

Just finished putting him to bed, didn't really get anything out of him.

We had a bit of a chat about normal things and I asked him how he's feeling... He said he's okay and I brought up the foster care thing and he said he didn't know if he wanted to live here or not. I asked him how he'd feel if he went away, would he miss us (me and his brother) etc but he said he wouldn't miss us, he had said he'd missed us when he got back from a week long residential trip a few months ago but said just now that he has just being saying that and that he wouldn't miss us if he went away.

I told him that we would miss him very much (that we missed him lots when he went away on the residential) and that I wouldn't him to live somewhere else, said that me and his brother love him lots too.

He was smiling as he was talking about this (possibly nervous reaction?) and then started talking about football so I've come away feeling like that conversation hasn't made much of an impact but I will keep trying.

Iggly the sticks and stones comment was just a throwaway remark about what a load of nonsense that rhyme is, I don't think I've said anything really horrible to him... trying to think of some examples... When he is horrible to his brother I tell him that he needs to 'be kind to him and help him out because he is smaller than you'... The other day he was realy rude and playing up in front of my friends so on the way home I did shout, told them that I was very disappointed by the way that they had both behaved, felt really sad that they hadn't listened to me at all and that I didn't think I would take them out with me again to meet my friends.

I don't think I say anything really awful (I hate you, you're a horrible person etc... I wouldn't talk to either of them like that) and I don't ignore them as a punishment. It would be interesting to hear what he thinks though.

Come back for goodness sake OP. YY you have a life haha but you can't leave us hanging.....

Oops

oops doesn't even cover it Springdaffs. This is someone's actual life, not a bloody book you know

Javelin - I think it might be better to see if you can get the Aunty to help you out a bit here. See if she can find out what's wrong - but you have to keep her confidence, he can't know that she's told you. It all sounds very odd. You seem lovely, you come across as being very 'aware' of how you parent them and possible bonding issues. He seems fine. He's doing lots of stuff, he's doing well at school... it all just seems a little 'odd'. But you need to get to the bottom of it, you can't just leave the Big White Elephant sitting there :(

I agree with Chipping. I mean obviously he would not prefer to be in care in reality, and from what you have told us would not be considered for care. But yes, gently try to get to the bottom of this. Proceed carefully but proceed. It could be a turning point for the better if you can really communicate about this. Hope tomorrow (today!) is ok for you all.

I would say that having a bit of a tantrum at that age and packing a bag to go to France sulk in the garage for two hours, or shouting that you want to be adopted in the middle of a row, could be normal dramatics. Usually followed by sorrys, I didn't mean its and hugs.

This sounds different though, sounds like it came up in a calm setting and that your ds mentions it calmly and with some consistency. So I think you do need to look into this sensitively. Hope you're all ok .

Bloody hell, I missed a page ffs. Calm down.

If mother Teresa permits, I tend to think this is not that unusual. Children, who grow into adults of course, often have a sense of being a cuckoo in the nest ie don't fit... not necessarily bcs of deep malaise but feeling different in some way.

You also say he is very jealous if his little brother, that too is common, though for some first siblings it is enduring. You say he was smiling as he said it - perhaps he enjoyed your undivided attention and declarations of how important he is to you and to the family. Perhaps he has been wondering where he fits in the family?

I don't think you need to panic. I have a 10 year old boy who frequently insists that I 'don't love him' and am 'horrible'... when I have told him to stop watching Stampy Fucking Longnose and come and eat his tea, for instance. Or, when we got back from our holiday and I wouldn't immediately take him straight back to the holiday destination for another holiday.
When I was about 10 I used to threaten to run away and live in the woods, or insist that no one understood me and I was never going to speak to anyone or do anything EVER AGAIN. It's pretty likely that he is aware of the concept of foster care (as opposed to stowing away on a boat to America) from TV programmes and possibly looked-after kids in is class, and it's just the modern day version of 'running away with the circus'.

Sorry, crap tablet booted me off, couldn't get back on -

Id say not to let your alarm show too much, try to be matter-of-fact up to a point?

I'm hesitating to say this but he may also be picking up on your malaise - oldest children often do. I also assume some water has gone under the bridge re his father? As a LP myself, whose children lived through their parents' divorce, it doesn't drain away imo; esp if there is an ongoing undercurrent of some kind with the ex...

All very well to say of course! Even doing our utmost best we can't cover everything, as much as we try. Perhaps in future focus on his role within the family - it won't be wasted (even if his foundling ideas turn out to be a phase - or tracey b ideation..)

Do you have one-on-one time with just him? Perhaps he wants time with just you, to chat and talk about what's important to him (football)

I frankly wouldn't take it too seriously OP, unless there are other signs. Children get caught up in stories. From the age of five I wanted to run away to the circus and actually tried to when I was nine. I was in no way unhappy at home, just the life of children that joined the circus was very attractive to me.

Is DS not missing his Dad? It is interesting that he mentions SS care but not going to live with Dad or Auntie. He sounds a very sad little boy. Do you think talking to his teacher might help?

I think children show sadness in their actions and behaviour. Your son sounds happy and well adjusted to me. and you sound like a very loving and caring mum.

Here are some of the things that would worry me and make me think my kids are struggling: bad behaviour, overly good behaviour (terrified of being naughty), being afraid to go on a trip, being worried about trying new things, stuttering, having no friends, obsessive behaviour, being very clingy, pretending to be sick, extreme changes in eating habits, constant use of screens, very disrupted sleep, etc.

Kids saying they hate their parents, want to move away, don't miss home and so on can be just an attempt to make parents feel guilty, or a moment of expressing curiosity or frustration.

I am really worried about him but when he is at school, friends houses, school trips, football, swimming etc he is fine and perfectly happy. He is outgoing and 9 times out of ten he is happy to initiate play or conversations with new children. He just seems to have become convinced that home is a terrible place to be but I truly do not know why.
Part of me thinks he is just playing up and testing boundaries like children do but I have been driving myself mad trying to work out if it could be something more.

I might try talking to school, he's really well behaved there so I'm not sure if they will be able to help. A few times when he has been really misbehaving I have threatened to speak to his teacher about his behaviour and he's been absolutely horrified at the thought.

He hasn't said anything about wanting to live with any other relatives, he just seems to have this idea about getting away from all of us.

I don't know, I just hate the thought of him being as unhappy as he appears to be.

Do speak to someone. School often have links to support and the gp could refer you to counselling for both, perhaps.
Don't try to do this alone.

Speaking to school sounds like a good idea, especially if he likes his teacher. Also, can you ask his aunt to speak to him further? He's opened up to her once, maybe he will again.

Is it worth asking him what he would see as being different or better if he lived elsewhere? Perhaps trying to unravel his perception of what FC appears to mean/be to him would help you and him to see what is troubling him.

What's his dad like? What's the relationship like between you and his dad? What is ds's relationship like with his dad - does ds see his dad? Is his dad a 'good' influence?

Sorry for Q's, not being nosey - I'm wondering about possible influences.

There could be a whole host of reasons why he has drawn such a drastic conclusion; not all suggest deep unhappiness by any means.

He could, for instance, very much be aware there isn't an adult male in his home - and he may simply want one, need one, and need support to accept there isn't one. He may think a woman at the helm is crap (sorry if that's a tactless point - not personal, of course! We have to grasp some nasty nettles as parents, esp LPs imo). OR he may want to be top dog and not be able to accept he isnt.

I'm casting around, really. I'd definitely do some digging iiwy, possibly some professional interventiin