Dc wants to go into foster care

[JavelinArse]

My nine year old son has decided he wants to leave our family home and live in foster care, he has told his aunt that 'anything would be better than being at home' because I am really horrible to him.

I was taken aback when she told me, I was aware that he had been a bit unhappy recently but haven't really felt like there was anything to be too worried about.

Obviously I don't want this to happen, have anyone else's pre-teens expressed similar wishes, how did you handle it?

I should probably add that I don't think it is likely that he would be taken into LA care but how much say does a child have over these things?

...to work out the components of this. I definitely wouldn't assume there's deep distress behind this (I would also hold back on showing him any hand-wringing about it - privately you can't help it but don't let him see that - yet). Easy to say of course, impossible to not worry. That's the score as a parent!

What male role models does he have?

I forced introduced my boys to scouts, recognising there was a distinct dirth of men in their lives. It did the trick, big time! One of my boys is now a mentor - he knows how important older male role models are.

I know you were posting for advice about the system, which I don't have! - but I just wanted to say that you sound like you are a fantastic parent because you are being so thoughtful about how you are raising your kids and you obviously make time for them and put their needs first.

When I was little I wanted to live in a children's home because there was one on my street and I used to play with a girl who lived there and they had fun. I couldn't understand why my mum was so upset when I told her I wanted to live there.

He gets on well with his dad, but their relationship is more like a friendship than a father son relationship iykwim? Both of my children see him eow usually from Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening, he doesn't really get involved with decision making, that is all left to me and I generally keep my ex informed of things that are going on in the kids lives (how they are getting on at school, achievements, activities, etc.).

He isn't a bad influence but he's not particularly good... Only in the sense that he doesn't really get very involved with the children's lives except for on a fairly superficial level.

At home it is just me and my two children, I do not have a partner and have not had one since I split with the kids dad about 4 years ago.

Male role models... Apart from dad there isn't anyone that is very close to him... He has a male teacher and there is a male TA that he really likes, his dad has a couple of friends that DS really likes but he probably only sees them once a month.

Usually once a month we have a day where me, the children and their dad all go out together (last month we went bowling and out for lunch afterwards, in December we'll probably find something Christmas themed to do). Ex has suggested that perhaps this is confusing for the children, they know that we are not together and (as far as I can think) they have no reason to think that we might get back together but he has mentioned that he thinks the children might find it odd.

My initial post was more to do with my concerns about how seriously SS would take things if my son were to tell them that he wants to go into foster care, I was/am worried about how much say he would get over this decision? I wouldn't imagine SS would be willing to remove him unless they had serious concerns for his well being but I am scared about where things could end up.

We have had a really nice couple of days, went and played football after school this afternoon (got absolutely caked in mud!!) then came home and vegged out in front of the t.v with lots of sweeties, he seems in a very good mood so I might try and talk to him again about how is feeling.

I haven't let on to him that I'm upset about what he has said about wanting to go into care, I am upset but I don't want to put my feelings onto him ifswim? I don't want him to feel as though he is responsible for my feelings as well as his own... When I express disappointment in his behaviour, it is the behaviour that I try and focus on, not him as a person (i.e. "I'm disappointed/upset/angry that you chose not to listen to me/to hit your brother/to kick the door" etc.)

Gah I don't know, this is a good outlet for me so thank you all for your replies. The silly thing is, if he were a few years older I don't think I would be doing all of this bloody hand wringing, he just seems so young to be this angsty.

Springydaffs I did enquire about our local Cub group but it is full at the moment, I do think that would be very good for him so will keep trying.

Thank you vitabrits I really am trying but it's just so bloody hard knowing what to do!

If you are providing a secure and loving home I don't think you should take what he says too seriously. As long as you're happy that he has no problems at school. Packing your bags and saying you're leaving isn't exactly unknown at that age. Sounds as if he's quite jealous of his little brother.

My 10 year old shouted at me the other day that she can't wait til she's 16 then she is going to 'get out of this horrible place'. I replied 'only six years to go then' and carried on what we were doing!

Sometimes children, and they are very little even though they are 9, 10, 11 can just lash out or say they want to leave, I really think it is very unlikely that he wants to go- but more that he's just testing out what happens when you say that, being a bit angry and more than anything, that small rejection of you they hope will be followed by love and reassurance- that they are still wanted, loved etc.

You sound like you are doing a good job, his life is full of good stuff, but what I have found hard to handle with both of mine is their negative emotions- that sometimes they do dislike you, or say something unexpected or hurtful, or even something odd that you wouldn't have seen coming. Children aren't predictable or shallow- there is often much more going on than we see on the surface especially in that pre-teen time.

I wouldn't give it too much attention, just answer his questions honestly and listen and then carry on doing the things you normally do. He will work it out.

Just a pointer.
I would not express my disappointment at all, unless there was something huge.
Feeling that you have disappointed someone can be a big thing, particularly a parent. And it can feel like rejection.
I think it would be better if you said you didn't like that behaviour and talk about how such behaviour is not acceptable and how it impacts on everyone and why. Don't make it personal.
For example, if he misbehaves at your friend's everyone has a bad time, including him.
Why not ask him if he would like other people to behave towards him in the same manner?

When you talk about being disappointed, it's about the past. Nothing he can do at that time about it, and there's no mention about how it can be better.
I prefer to have a quiet but effective chat when the behaviour is happening, even if I have to call time out to achieve it. And discuss how it can be better next time

But I would certainly stop using the word disappointed and any expression that transmits that idea.

Perhaps say 'I don't like' rather than 'I'm disappointed'.

Mind, we run absolute RINGS around all this trying to get it right! I don't think saying you're 'disappointed' now and again is going to send him into a lifetime of therapy.

I think 1 or 2 of mine tried running away from home about that age (muse).
They didn't get far & got over it. I think it was a control thing. I wouldn't take it so seriously. Just keep talking.

Can I just say as a retired social worker with a long career in Children's services there is absolutely no way at all that social workers would agree to his request. And he's hardly likely to ask anyway! I think you sound like a lovely mom - ok maybe he does feel that you love the younger brother more than him, but you sound like you do everything you can to make the older one feel loved.

I'd stop worrying about it I were you.

My friends DD decided that she wanted to live in foster care. Her mum was all over the place until it came out that her best friend had recently been removed into foster care (at the age of 12) from a lifetime of neglect, drugs in the home and abuse at the hands her mothers various boyfriends. Her friend raved about it because it was so much better than the life she had previously had. Of course friends DD thought that it was a Utopia compared to a home life with rules where she wasnt allowed to do whatever the hell she liked without consequences.

Thankfully, they friendship petered out but I am wondering if your DS has a similar friendship?

Oh and as a PP said, its very unlikely that SS would take this seriously. A regular in the pub I used to work in is a SW and they had regular calls from teens who where adamant that not being allowed to have a party or having their phone taken off them was abuse

I asked to go into care when I was in my teens.

My mother said she'd enquire. Then when I checked a few weeks later denied all knowledge of the conversation. We argued she agreed to again. Didn't and said, "it wouldn't be any better for you. What do you think would be worse? Getting beatren by your father or raped by a stranger? Because that's what would happen if you were in care". That floored me. Talk about Hobson's Choice!

So yes, some children do ask to go into care and it not be akin to 'running away with the circus'.

op being honest with yourself, is there anything at home that needs to change or that is genuinely upsetting for him that you could address?

To those posters who say the Javelin's DS said this to "push her buttons", or that he was just lashing out at her, I should point out that he didn't say it to her. He said it to his aunt. I very much doubt whether he thought his aunt would tell Javelin.

So whatever else is behind what he said, I don't believe it was intended to get a reaction out of his mother.

FolkGirl I know that in recent months I have been guilty of not giving either of my children enough time with me when we're at home, yes we're always busy on a weekend rushing to activities and going on day trips but at home we would often sit in different rooms and veg out rather than spending time together. I have been making a real effort to solve this and have been doing very simple things like sitting in the living room and watching 'their' programmes with them or just having little chats with them.

Okay so perhaps saying "I'm disappointed" isn't the best way to handle things when I am upset with something DS1 has done, I will try not to say that.

I do try and talk to him a lot about treating other people as he would like to be treated (something I remember being told a lot when I was a child!), when he's been unkind I will ask him if he would like it if someone treated him like that but when he is in a crap mood he usually just shrugs his shoulders and tells me he doesn't care. I KNOW he does care so I continue to keep trying!

He has been upset this afternoon, he had football practice this morning and some of the other children had been picking on him and telling him he is a 'shit defender'. He was really upset, started crying and then got quite angry and refused to talk about it. He finds talking about his feelings quite difficult and isn't a big fan of making eye contact but luckily we were in the car when he told me this so I was able to talk to him as I was driving and he felt able to listen.

The anger and hurt he was feeling was palpable, I wanted to cry with him. I'm so angry at those little sods for upsetting him. He kept saying "I don't want to talk about it" so I said okay but asked if he could at least listen to what I was saying to him... I then talked to him about not letting what other people say get you down, that he is a great footballer, how horrible it feels when people criticise you BUT that you must not let that drag you down. He listened and calmed down and eventually gave me a hug when we were out of the car (after refusing earlier on when I had offered) and seems to be feeling a bit better now. He also admitted that it felt good to talk about how he felt which felt like a huge break through!!

Patty DS knows that I am close to his aunt and he will often accuse her of "telling mum everything" so it is possible he had considered that it might get back to me but I don't know for sure.

Ime boys (generally) 'talk' better while doing something else (with us). I suppose so there's another focus, something to be concentrating on so that feelings aren't overwhelming? I also spent acres of time in the car with my kids when I was bringing them up and there's nothing like that little box - and the rearview mirror! - for airing difficult things sometimes.

Grrr to those boys. Well done for today, what a triumph

Just in case it might help, it's not unknown for children at this age to suffer from depression, not necessarily as a reaction to a situation but the illness with the chemical imbalances. If you think that may be a possibility then it might be worth a chat with your GP and/or the school nurse.

I wanted to, and should have been, in FC. SS were involved and I caled the police after my father got particularly abusive physically toward my mum. I was at residential school and stayed with friends or teachers as much as I could. My last year of school was at mainstream, good academically, horrible at home. Teachers had to give me money for breakfast on a few occasions.

I agree though that FC isn't as glamourous as it appears to be in films.

Children routinely create a narrative about being in foster care that they share with their friends, it is part of a fantasy which ameliorates the pain and trauma of being separated from birth family. Whatever was going on at home, most children would like to be there, just with none of that stuff happening. Shame in a way the friendship petered out and both children weren't able to remain friends whilst exploring the reality of foster care.

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