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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can we fix this?

59 replies

startrek90 · 24/11/2014 08:33

DH and I have been married for 18 months and we have a 7 week old DS. We always had an awesome sex life but when I got pregnant my drive jumped off a cliff. Now my drive still hasn't returned.

I know my H has been really frustrated and he makes a move for sex several times a day which I rebuff as I am ill, exhausted etc... I always feel guilty refusing him as I know it hurts him.

I had to have a csection and I am just about recovered but sex is still extremely painful and I am even more reluctant.

With this in mind, last week my H confessed that he has been going on porn sites everyday. He started when I was pregnant and now was struggling to stop. I had no idea of this. He was crying and kept saying he was sorry. I was calm and I comforted him. I want to help him.

I feel really guilty as I think my low sex drive has caused this. However since I learned all this my desire for him has gone. I love him so much. We had an amazing relationship before this amd he is my best friend. I just don't know how we fix this. Please help as this is eating me up inside.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/11/2014 08:37

I couldn't get past the bit where you say he pesters you for sex several times a day 7 weeks after you have had a c section

He sounds like a sexual abuser, and I would tell him to fuck right off and take his porn use with him

Crying like a baby is he ?

Well, you have a much more deserving baby to look after so he just made himself too much hard work

Pathetic

LadyLuck10 · 24/11/2014 08:49

He's played you really well and got you feeling like this is your problem.

He's pestering you for sex, how disgusting and unsupportive of him! You've just had a baby and he needs to wait till you are ready. And poor him having to resort to porn and then crying about it. Wow. He is pathetic!!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/11/2014 08:57

Really shocking op. Would you pester him for sex if he'd had major surgery that made it painful, or would you be worrying about him?

His behaviour is horrible :(

Why would he want to hurt you just so he can have sex? Why would you do that to someone you love?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/11/2014 08:58

And that's before even mentioning the porn use. He chose to use porn daily and is sobbing about it Confused

LadyBlaBlah · 24/11/2014 09:10

He's just a dude who looks at you as slightly sub human whose purpose is to provide him sexual gratification.

My skin is crawling at the pestering when you've just had a baby. Never mind the whining over 'having' to look at porn every day.

You've got bigger issues that you probably want to face right now.

Fairylea · 24/11/2014 09:13

7 weeks after a section and he is pestering you for sex several times a DAY?!! WTF?!

I'm just horrified at that to be honest.

McSqueezy · 24/11/2014 09:13

You need to talk, he needs to understand, and if he doesn't then it's HIS problem, not yours.

I was in agony after my c-section, and bled for 4 months after off/on (which didn't help). It's only now, close to 7 months later that my sex drive is back up there close to what it was...

Him pestering you for sex is not on, but how much of an issue is the porn? And I guess the other question is whether he'd still be watching if you were being intimate, and if this may signify some other underlying issue (e.g sex addition etc.)

Joysmum · 24/11/2014 09:14

The porn wouldn't be an issue for me but I would be telling him that you'll initiate when you're ready to and telling him to Google info on sex after a c-section as he clearly doesn't have a clue.

Don't forget, that when you do initiate, it doesn't have to be full sex and you can stick with what you're comfortable with in giving and receiving.

PoirotsMoustache · 24/11/2014 09:17

I feel really guilty as I think my low sex drive has caused this

It's not you, really it isn't!

What kind of selfish arsehole thinks about pestering someone they are supposed to love for sex, 7 weeks after they've had an operation to deliver their child?!

Even if you hadn't just had a baby, trying to 'make a move' several times a day when you've made it clear you're not interested right now is bang out of order.

clam · 24/11/2014 09:19

I'm horrified reading this. Don't even know where to start, so I'll just echo AnyFucker. As always, she's got it in a nutshell.

dreamingbohemian · 24/11/2014 09:20

A section is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY

He's pestering you for sex several times a day???

Sorry but he's a pig. It is often when things are tough that you find out what people really are like, and he's showing you now. You have done nothing wrong and this isn't your problem to fix.

How long were you together before you got married? Just wondering how well you really know him.

PurpleSwift · 24/11/2014 09:21

It wouldn't bother you, joysmum, if your partners said he was struggling to NOT look at porn? That's a clear sign there is a problem.

I think at worst he's as other posters have described and at best incredibly selfish. Don't treat him like a victim, he's behaved appallingly. The lack of sex won't be forever, he should be able to suck it up and deal with it and wait until your ready or at least communicate with you.

LadyBlaBlah · 24/11/2014 09:24

Crying about looking at porn sites is very odd.

I'm sort of thinking this is a half confession......and he's probably been up to much worse.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 24/11/2014 09:26

You don't know how 'we' fix this?

You done need to do anything to fix this.

He ended up crying and you ended up comforting him. Unbelievable.

So what plan has this selfish twat come up with to sort himself out then? Is he going to seek help or has he confessed, sobbed, and now it's all up to you?

basgetti · 24/11/2014 09:26

What AF said.

FWIW I'm heavily pregnant and my sex drive is non existent. We haven't had sex at all for the last 7 months or so as I've been too ill. And you know what? My DP has survived. His dick hasn't dropped off, he hasn't exploded and he hasn't resorted to harassing me for sex or trying to manipulate me by suggesting I've driven him to porn. That is because he understands I'm suffering physically to bring our child into the world.

The fact that you are being made to feel like this at all, let alone 7 weeks post section, shows that your husband is a disgusting abusive arsehole.

JCleRoux · 24/11/2014 09:32

Nothing to feel guilty about. You've had a baby and a section is actually a massive operation so 7 weeks afterwards is just unreasonable. At least he came clean with the porn and has shown remorse and hopefully now you can show him just how unreasonable he is about wanting sex so soon after having a section.

niceupthedance · 24/11/2014 09:37

I don't usually comment on threads like this but WHAT THE HELL?!

You are not a machine for servicing his needs. Does he realise the tiredness etc that goes with a new baby is going to last a LOT longer than a couple of months? Disgusting behaviour.

Windywinston · 24/11/2014 09:52

So he can't handle the fact that sex has dropped when you were pregnant and in the weeks after a csection? What a lovely man.

Now he's got you thinking it's your fault he's been using porn - ie put out or I'll keep doing something you don't like. He sounds like an arse.

Sorry but a decent bloke doesn't pester for sex several times a day if you've said no.

lisej · 24/11/2014 09:59

7 WEEKS?? I couldn't manage to have sex until at least 6 months after I had my son, and even then it was horribly painful. He's being a dick.

ChrissCrossCrunch · 24/11/2014 10:02

I think you need to have a talk together about this so he can gain an understanding of what's going on for you. At present it seems to be all about him. Its time for him to act like a grown up and support you and care for you.

You seem to be suggesting he's a good guy and your relationship is (was?) good, so tell him very clearly about the major surgery you've had in order to produce his baby, because seemingly he hasn't noticed. Find ways to get through this together which aren't all about him.

montythepenguin · 24/11/2014 10:05

your dh is a turd. I would be careful not to take responsibility for his bad behavior. You share your body on your terms and when the time is right. You are not there to service him.

queenoftheknight · 24/11/2014 10:05

My first husband did this to me. He also did it to his next wife during her treatment for breast cancer. He is a total bastard of the first order.

There is something really, really wrong with men like this.

The only problem YOU have, is to find out why you tolerate being treated as nothing more than a blow up doll.

Can I suggest that you talk to your health visitor about this, and you get some long term support in place? You deserve infinitely more than this, and so does your new child. This is no role model for your baby to grow up with.

Original poster
startrek90 · 24/11/2014 12:16

I want to make clear my husband has never forced me to have sex and does accept when I say no. He only ever goes as far as I agree too.

I feel guilty as I know my husband is feeling unloved even as he tries not to show it.

As for the porn, my husbandwants to stop this. He told me what was going on. It would not bother me otherwise, its only a problem because he is feeling so awful about it.

I guess its affected me because of my exhaustion etc.... my selg esteem has taken a hit and I feel unlovable and unattractive (despite what my husband says) I don't know how to help him and change this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/11/2014 13:07

How can you help him ? His porn use is his own business, not yours. By opening your legs more ? If you having sex that you don't want, that is painful for you, that you have to force yourself to endure would help him, then I am not quite sure where you go withat fact.

AnyFucker · 24/11/2014 13:08

*with that