How can we fix this?

[startrek90]

DH and I have been married for 18 months and we have a 7 week old DS. We always had an awesome sex life but when I got pregnant my drive jumped off a cliff. Now my drive still hasn't returned.

I know my H has been really frustrated and he makes a move for sex several times a day which I rebuff as I am ill, exhausted etc... I always feel guilty refusing him as I know it hurts him.

I had to have a csection and I am just about recovered but sex is still extremely painful and I am even more reluctant.

With this in mind, last week my H confessed that he has been going on porn sites everyday. He started when I was pregnant and now was struggling to stop. I had no idea of this. He was crying and kept saying he was sorry. I was calm and I comforted him. I want to help him.

I feel really guilty as I think my low sex drive has caused this. However since I learned all this my desire for him has gone. I love him so much. We had an amazing relationship before this amd he is my best friend. I just don't know how we fix this. Please help as this is eating me up inside.

I don't really think it is your place to help him. To try to resolve the difficulties in your relationship you have to start talking to each other.
If he can get his rocks off on porn then maybe this is a short term 'solution' but he needs to keep it very private from you. You need time to physically and emotionally heal from the trauma of the birth and of caring for a young baby and he needs to be told how he can support you in this.
I do think, in time, you can both work through this difficult time in your relationship but it will need on going honest and open discussion.
Your needs are just as important as his, and font ever forget that. You need to look after and nurture yourself too at this rather rather vulnerable and important time in your life.

Seven weeks after having a baby the focus for both parents is usually on the baby and adjusting to life as a family.

Most new parents are not worrying about their partners porn habit and trying to shift the focus to their own needs. This is a special time for you and your baby - you're being manipulated into missing it.

he doesn't NEED porn!

Feeling 'knocked back' with a 7 wk old is a bit ridiculous.
He might well feel like that, but he does need to cop himself on.
While some might feel like having sex by then (or before), it's much more common to not have sex for many months after having a baby. He is aware that that's normal isn't he? Breastfeeding also can reduce libido (and that's fine).
For me it was 5 wks, then 16 weeks and then about 6 months after each child. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. Pestering at 7 weeks is selfish.

He is in for a huge shock when the next baby comes along, and the next.

When you are trying to help your husband not wank over other women what are you missing with your baby? His first smile, his attempt to coo, his cries, his first attempt to wave, the fact he has rolled over for the first time. All those lovely moments worth missing because you have "helped" your pathetic husband?

I can't believe neither of you realised having a baby would affect your sex life! I am sure there are those shagging within days, and then most days, but most are too sore and knackered to even think about sex. But this is you and you have a baby with a man who hasn't grown up.

You sound like a nice person who likes to see the best in everyone. And fix things.

I get you completely.

The harsh thing is though, look what's happening here...your needs are right at the bottom here. It goes him, baby, you most probably. You might think he's taking you into account from your chat, but the pressure is still on (to fulfil his needs) because how long will he 'wait it out'?
Is 6 months ok? A year? Or is it a month?
And by ok, I mean, when YOU really want to. Not that you feel like you 'should'

I can't criticise, I've been there. I just know it's a hiding to nothing with the kind of attitude your DH is showing.

This made my skin crawl.

No one needs porn. Vile. His needs are not your job to 'help' with.

He's a sex pest. He feels 'knocked back', when you just had major surgery? How mature of him.

The pestering. Ewww. That is abusive. It really is.

'If anyone has suggestions on how I could best support DH through dealing with his need for porn and how to get back to a sexual relationship after a baby I would love to hear ideas.'

He should be supporting you and his child, not blaming his lack of sexual relationship on you and his porn use, too.

You're pretty well in the grips of his abuse if you feel guilty or that it's your job to support a porn using sex pest to shag you more.

How to get back to a sexual relationship after a baby.

1. Make it clear that you are IN PAIN because you had major surgery 7 weeks ago.
2. Acknowledge that there is a little person in your life whose needs come first.
3. Because the baby comes first, and you are it's mother, your needs come next. Those needs are, not being pestered for sex, not 'helping' your partner conquer a porn addiction. Those needs are sleep, food and time to enjoy your child.
4. When you are through the worst of the sleep deprivation, when the baby is feeding a bit less, when you are healed, when you feel a bit less 'touched out' you may well want to have sex again. Your DH will just have to wait. If he feels frustrated, he can have a wank. Without porn.

I'm not trying to be mean, and you are NOT a bad person. I hope your DH is a good man who is being a bit stupid. But I am angry for you and I think you need to tell him to damn well get a grip.

Fix this by ditching the porn-fiend-abuser who pesters you for sex several times a day when you have just a) had a baby b) had major abdominal surgery.

He was worked an amazing number on you - you think its your fault he looks at porn - it isn't.