How can we fix this?

[startrek90]

DH and I have been married for 18 months and we have a 7 week old DS. We always had an awesome sex life but when I got pregnant my drive jumped off a cliff. Now my drive still hasn't returned.

I know my H has been really frustrated and he makes a move for sex several times a day which I rebuff as I am ill, exhausted etc... I always feel guilty refusing him as I know it hurts him.

I had to have a csection and I am just about recovered but sex is still extremely painful and I am even more reluctant.

With this in mind, last week my H confessed that he has been going on porn sites everyday. He started when I was pregnant and now was struggling to stop. I had no idea of this. He was crying and kept saying he was sorry. I was calm and I comforted him. I want to help him.

I feel really guilty as I think my low sex drive has caused this. However since I learned all this my desire for him has gone. I love him so much. We had an amazing relationship before this amd he is my best friend. I just don't know how we fix this. Please help as this is eating me up inside.

How does he help you with your exhaustion ?

No, my first husband never "forced" me to have sex, but made things so intolerable if I didn't, that it simply wasn't worth arguing, and I stared at the ceiling while he had sex on my body, whether I wanted it or not. And he didn't care that I didn't want it, as long as he got what he wanted....five weeks after a c section, and for the rest of the marriage.

If someone had told me at the time that it was rape, I would have laughed in their face, whilst feeling sick to the core, because deep down, I would have known it was true.

I can see that now.

You say he accepts when you say no, but if he's pestering you multiple times a day he's not really accepting that no means no is he? OK so he hasn't forced himself on you, but he'd happily have a go on you knowing you're not really up for it by the sounds of it.

If this were a genuine "how do we get the intimacy back after having a baby thread" then I'd happily give you plenty of tips on how to start trying to get things back on track again, but your DH doesn't sound like he deserves it.

Ask him how horny he'd be feeling if he'd been through major abdominal surgery and had a newborn to care for 24/7.

Pestering you for sex several times a day SEVEN WEEKS after your c-section?!?! And you're still defending him because he hasn't yet raped you?! How noble of him. He might not have forced you to have sex, but he's still a sex pest. And an utter arsehole. Your low sex drive hasn't caused any of this. You need to tell him to STOP pestering you for sex. STOP. The c-section part of your story is actually a red herring - pestering for sex is just wrong. Completely wrong. Does he think that's the ultimate turn-on or something??! Urgh.

You mention you and your "D"H feeling unloved/unlovable as though sex = feeling loved/being loved. Do you make each other feel loved in other ways? - do you ever cuddle? Kiss? Hold hands? Or do you avoid physical affection in case you're pestered for sex? This is very much his problem, not yours, but unless you're going to LTB (doesn't sound likely given that you think this is your fault) I'd focus on getting this across to him in the most effective way: "pestering me for sex is never acceptable".

FWIW, I think he's told you about the porn now because he thinks you'll shag him to help 'fix' his 'problem' - he wants his way and he'll go to any lengths to make it happen. This isn't about getting help with his 'addiction/problem' - it's about doing whatever it takes to get you to put out - regardless of how you feel about it. His needs are more important than yours.

Sounds as if he's trying the old "I'm not getting all the sex I want, so I'll tell her I'm feeling unloved and she'll feel guilty and put out" number. How about you show him you love him in other ways; a neck rub, a cup of tea, doing one of "his" chores for him if he's tired? No? Ah, that'll be nothing to do with feeling unloved then, but that he just wants to get sex from you.

FGS, he sounds about 13 years old, shocked too that he is pestering you for sex after a C section 7 weeks ago, is he thick or really that selfish?

I'd be concerned about the porn too and whatever else he is indulging in on the net - makes me sick that women take the blame for their partners shit behaviour. Sex is not a right, it's between two consenting adults, remember that word - consenting.

Any man that was pestering me like that would be the biggest turn off in history.

Op, were you hoping that just one woman would empathise with you, say their husband was just the same straight after a baby and that you should try harder to meet his needs ?

Not going to happen.

actually i was hoping for suggestions on how to help my husband get over the need for porn and maybe suggestions how to improve our sex life after having a baby. i didn't expect to be made to feel like i was
somehow a bad person for wanting to help.

I don't think there is a way to stop him using porn if he cannot cope with holding down his sexual frustrations. That is obviously what he enjoys and is choosing to do.

You're putting yourself in a catch 22 situation. You are not physically or emotionally ready to be intimate with him, but you are not willing to let him relieve himself in other ways.

The only other advice is to do things other than penetrative sex that you are comfortable with. If not you need to communicate your feelings clearly, and come to some other agreement you are both happy with.

You are not a bad person but if that is what you have taken from this thread, then I think you are in more unwitting collusion with your horrible husband than you realise, by a country mile

I feel a bit sorry for you op, your post seems to have opened a bit of a can of worms. Having said that I am going to go against the majority here and point out some positives. 1. He opened up to you in admitting he might have a problem with porn (I don't share some people's opinions on porn it seems, men like to use it, fine, if they can keep it separate to real life). 2. You love him, and want, eventually to have sex with him again.
Putting myself in his place, and I have been there, dp had cancer a couple of years ago and quite understandably didn't fancy having sex, it can dent your confidence. I have also been in your place. All I can suggest is to reassure him you love him, fancy him and will eventually be able to have sex again. If he is a reasonable man he will understand. In the meantime, hold hands, cuddle, have some time alone if you can. A bit of non sexual intimacy can do wonders. I definitely think you are giving yourself a bit of a hard time, you have a 7 week old! It's tiring, it does get better, you will feel human again. X

I think it is very selfish of him to pester you for sex when he knows that having sex is painful for you.

So whilst having sex for him is his way of feeling loved by you, what does it say about sex being his expression of love for you? would you seek to fulfil your own emotional needs and sexual needs in a way that will hurt another person? No probably not.

I can understand that men often feel unloved and rejected and that the way they feel validated and desired is through sex. And he is possibly quite genuinely crying because porn will not meet that need. Which is why he is still pestering you.

But, it is not you fault that he is watching porn, it is his fault that you now feel guilty.

As for how you can sort this out, lots of talking. Not to us, to him.

What AF said. Please try and 'see' what is going on here OP. He is manipulating you in the most awful way and you cannot or refuse to see it. Please try, for without knowing him, you cannot help him or have an equal relationship with him and issues will arise time and time again because you are subjugating yourself to him and his ways.

I don't think that it's up to you to be "helping him" at this moment. Your primary concern, for now, ought to be your 7wo baby and yourself. He should be helping you with that, not whingeing about his own needs.

You're ill and exhausted, have just had a c-section, and a new baby to look after. The fact that he's asking you at all (correction - pestering you several times a DAY) says it all really. That is not a man who is loving or considerate.

It seems Op has absorbed the damaging message from some sections of society (I include her husband in this) that it actually her job to assist him in getting his unreasonable demands met and save him from the hellhole of having to make do with porn. And that she drove him to it.

It is not your fault he is looking at porn.

He is not at all happy that you are no longer putting him first, he is no longer number one in your life jumping to his every demand, so he is laying on the guilt really thickly so you cure him of his oh so terrible horrible porn addiction by letting him fuck you.

It is not your job to satisfy his demands. In any room of the house.

I had a section. I know we had sex at 6 weeks as I thought you were meant to so you could tell the midwife if there were any issues. I can't remember when DH and I had sex next but it wasn't for months, not days or weeks, and he never pestered me once. That is what a loving husband is like. Yours is not a loving husband.

Op please listen to what people are saying. Anyfucker means well and always speaks sense. Look her up, she has good form.

He is being unreasonable and selfish. His sexual needs really are not a priority right now!

How does he help you to feel better? What does he do to help? Does he realise that you and the baby are more important here?

My ex husband did this to me , constant pestering for sex , making me feel guilty. Really it was abusive . Have you told him to stop pestering you for sex ?

Ewww, what a nasty little man. I can imagine he's turned you off sex for life, as it happens, or at any rate sex with him.

Tell him to stop using porn and treat you like a human being for a change.

OP you can't fix the fact that your husband is a whiny, entitled little prick who pesters his post partum wife for sex and makes her feel guilty for his porn use. Grim.

I sigh whenever I see on here a thread about "we" fixing it. You just know it's going to be some poor women making the effort when their partner isn't.

He's not upset about the porn use, not "confessing". He's playing you. It's a not particularly veiled threat. Working, it's it? You poor thing. You should be enjoying your first weeks with a tiny baby, not worrying about this and fighting off his advances.

He can fix this.
Easily.

He can back the fuck off and be a good father and a good husband.

^actually i was hoping for suggestions on how to help my husband get over the need for porn and maybe suggestions how to improve our sex life after having a baby. i didn't expect to be made to feel like i was
somehow a bad person for wanting to help.^

Your husband doesn't 'need' porn. He's choosing to watch it. He has now chosen to tell you about it because he thinks you'll help to 'fix' his problem by shagging him before you're ready to.

Tips for improving your sex life:

1. Not being pestered for sex by your husband
2. Recovering from major surgery

You are not a bad person. Your husband is vile. He's a sex pest. He's putting his own needs above those of his wife and baby's. This isn't what good husbands do. People reacting strongly to your post are aiming their disgust at HIM, not you. You should be focusing on recovering from your section and adjusting to life as a new mum, not worrying about satisfying your selfish pig of a husband. That's what people have a problem with - you're not the one with the problem - your husband is.

Startrek The replies on this thread must have come as a shock to you, and it wasn't what you expected to hear.

But I also agree with what has been posted upthread.

I just wanted to reiterate that by asking for sex several times a day your H is NOT listening to you, and he is not accepting your right to say NO. If he did he would simply drop the issue, and support you and your baby until you have healed up and are ready to discuss sex with him.

You say the comments here have made you feel like a bad person for wanting help. No one here is saying you are a bad person. Perhaps you are internalizing the wake up call comments about you H, just as you are taking on board your H's issues as your own issues.

It's not your fault.

I hope you feel you can return the thread to explore how the issues raised here are manifesting FOR YOU. We may be bolshy, but we will support you if that is what you need.

muddylettuce you have hit the whole thing on the head there

we had a long chat last night about sex intimacy etc... My DH does not want me to have sex before I am ready but he does feel knocked back. However he knows that this is only temporary and we just need to wait it out.

The porn issue is an issue for my DH. He is struggling to not let it get out of hand. He has arranged counselling, changed his phone, won't go on the computer unless I am in the room. He is disappointed in himself and is struggling.

He apologised for putting pressure on me. He didn't mean for me to feel like that and just didn't think at all.

In answer to pp: yes we do kiss and cuddle, hold hands etc.. and my DH does parent DS with me.

I don't believe DH is abusive AT ALL. I do think that we were both not prepared for how much a baby changes the physical aspect of a relationship.

If anyone has suggestions on how I could best support DH through dealing with his need for porn and how to get back to a sexual relationship after a baby I would love to hear ideas.