How do you know if you're in love with someone or merely just love them?

[frenchconnection]

i have this query really, my dh and i have been together for nearly 5 yrs, whirlwind romance at start, engaged after 2mths... but now with 2 children (one from my previous relationship)im not sure if we're still in love? As we go days/weeks without so much as a peck on the cheek, let alone a hug.

Some weeks we barely talk then the next week we can be best of friends(i have severe mood swings) and he can make me laugh so much it hurts. To be honest it feels like we are brother and sister rather than lovers and i dont know whether to leave him or stay?We only have sex about once every few wks btw and i cannot bear him to kiss me properly even then, (i turn my head away...!)But some days we are like best buddies...

i feel like this at times. What pushes me to try and to stop being a moody hormonal witch is the fact that I couldn't bear to be without him or to be with anyone else.

Well your not alone hun, you have just described my relationship with my dp - EXACTLY the same! what to do????? - i wish i could be more helpful, i still haven tfigured it out, i think at the moment im living in a 'take each day as it comes' kind of life, maybe its not the right way to live, but with kids, trying to hold it together without making each other too miserable is not a bad thing in my mind.

I wonder sometimes if being 'in love' is overrated. Personally I find that whole romance and flowers bit a tad stressful and difficult to maintain over a long period. What's wrong with being with someone who you are comfortable with, who makes you laugh and is your best buddy? I suspect that that's the reality of an awful lot of relationships once they get past the initial whirlwind of lust.

I think that you are actually vastly underestimating the importance of a love that isn't all about hearts and flowers and passionate kisses but is about something deeper and more longlasting. "Merely just love" is something that many people haven't got and would be grateful for. Many long-term relationships end up like yours, if you left what you have now you might meet someone whp makes your head spin and your heart beat faster but you might never meet another man who you could describe as your best buddy.

LaDiDaDi, you're right, i may leave and never meet someone who is my best mate again, but i miss the lust and the fluttery feelings in my tummy and the whole excitement.....and i am scared i will have an affair sooner or later as i just yearn to feel sexy again,rather than feel like his sister . I want sex that is exciting and leaves you wanting more, rather than getting bored after 5 mins of it and wondering if i paid the gas bill etc...

Oh wow Charlotte, you're named after the spider in Charlotte's Web, are you not! Can't believe I remember her full title..

Sorry.. that was a bit of a thread crash.

Actually, I do have something sensible to offer. From my point of view, there is probably something to be said for the comfortable type of best mates relationship some of you decribe. I love my DH very much but I seem to have this desire to be "adored" and for that to be shown all the time.. which is only setting myself up to be disappointment, most men being most men.. and DH being one of them. Must put pressure on DH as well. I often wish I could just relax in the contented knowledge that he loves me, regardless of lack of demonstrative gestures.

(Crikey.. that was a bit honest under my [nearly] usual name...!]

Yeah but affairs don't just happen. Anyone can be wildly tempted, but somewhere along the line there is a conscious decision to go ahead and do you. You don't have to make that decision.

Excitement and passion can very often be rekindled where there is love and respect. Illicit excitement will not being you happiness and contentment as you grow old and grey. Be very careful not to carelessly push away something very precious that you may never get back. As the song goes.. "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.."

creepy jess, i also have the need to be adored, and when it happens from other men/builders/dads at school i love it! it really gives me a buzz that i dont get from the best mates thing i have with dh.
He used to totally adore me, moved 100 miles to be with me and my dd, but now its all gone flat

you know when you see old folk walking along holding hands. How lovely is that?

It's not easy though, and these oldies may have had a zillion ups and downs in their relationship, maybe some downs that lasted a year or whatever. The point is they carried on. I'm not saying that if a relationship is dead in the water that you should carry on 'for the sake of the children', and it's never black and white.

BUT, only you know whether there's enough left to carry on. You know in your heart of hearts that the lusty phase does not continue FOR ANYONE once kids and gas bills come into it. Also, that's quite an emotionally rollercoastery phase and you would be drained if it continued for years and years!

Love moves into a different phase. Definitely companionship and comfort, but obviously sex and physical contact (hugs etc) are still vital. What's the point of being with someone if you haven't had sex for years? Unless both completely consent to that.

Did you used to like kissing him? When did you stop liking that? What attracted you to him in the first place, write it all down! Then think what's still there, maybe more than you think??

Probably not flat FC.. it' just become normal and everyday. The vast majority of wkmen would get a buzz from being found attractive by (eg) a bloke on the street (as long as he's not a weirdo obv! ). And that's not true adoration anyway.

Meanwhile, your DH probably DOES adore you.. most men just don't show it most of the time. (And I know a relationship where the man does.. and the woman in question, although she loves him, wants to swat him like a fly much of the time because he's just in her face so much!)

Think about how you'd feel if your DH was physically hurt.. or imagine (just for a second) him with another woman. How do those scenarios make you feel?

Remind yourself of what you loved about him when you were first together. Unless he's turned into a git (doesn't sound like it), those things are still there. We just get bogged down and familarity breeds a little boredom if not contempt. Try showing him some affection, plan things to do together and spend days looking forward to them, when you are out and about, look out for little presents that you know would please him and occasionally get him things as a surprise. Put into the relationship what you would like to be getting out of it.

Very true Fartmeister. Those enviable old folk have probably been through the biggest ups and downs.. maybe affairs, separations and all sorts. Point is, in the end, they found reasons to stick it out. Won't work a lot of the time, but for some it does. Maybe they're the soulmates.

It's not about having the perfect relationship... or even near to it.. it's about knowing that deep down, you love the person beneath all the stuff created by daily grind, or beneath the situation created by the mistake made by one or both of you, or the lies that were told, or whatever. If the love really is there (and sometimes it takes some looking for and real soul searching) then the relationship is worth working at.

I think you are being unrealistic. That fluttery feeling in the stomach and excitement and lust is what you expect in the early days but I don't think it is common in couples who have settled down together and have had children. You are bound by far deeper and more important feelings and shared experiences now and you should appreciate that. Those old couples you see walking hand in hand have been through many stages in their relationship and it is most likely to have included the phase you are going through now. Ask them and see if I am not right.

Do you know what is a half-decent test of whether you are still with the guy you ~should~ be with? You know when you have a night of.. how can I put this... erm.. lovemaking? Sex? Shagging? [insert preferred word].. and then the next day you are going about your business doing ordinary mundane things.. and then you get a shag flashback.. and I mean a good one.. when you get this little 'ooooh' feeling going through you? Well that's my little test of being with the ~right~ guy. He may not be Mr Perfect or Mr Wonderful; we may not be Mr Pitt & Ms Jolie, we may not always have the Most Wonderful and Glorious Sex In The World.. or whatever.. [this is open to the process of 'evolvement' as well']. but if you still get that little feeling occasionally then you have a half decent thing going!

It's easy to strive for the ideal.. and not saying someone should ever settle for being unhappy.. but things can be improved.. and worked on.

no, i dont get that ooooh flashback any more, we hardly ever do it anyway, but i know what you mean. used to get that feeling all the bloody time! now i just dont enjoy it... feels like shagging my brother although he is very good with his hands! (dh, not my brother! yuk!)just dont like kissing him!

But do you make any attempt to 'set the scene' ever FC? This isn't possible, practical or preferable much of the time, when you have kids, bust life etc.. But sometimes, if you planned ahead, flirted a little.. discussed how to spice things up? Would this make any difference? Eve nif you had a to ad lib a bit to begin with? (It's very easy to get out of the habit of making this effort and end up feeling as if you really don't want to..)

no, i dont try any more.. dh works 6 days a wk, gets up 4.30am, gets home at 9 then falls asleep most of the time.. neither of us has the energy and he never wants to go out just the two of us as he says i enjoy other men looking at me/chatting me up. this is true, i do like it, and i used to let it happen to make him jealous, stupid me eh?
our ds is 2 and never sleeps, he is a bloody nightmare!!

It sounds as if it might well be the situation that is the problem FC, rather than the man. Is there any way you can sit down together and discuss how to make a few life changes, even if they are compromises re working hours or whatever, in order to give your relationship a little priority?

anniemac you are totally right, thats exactly what i'm like, i have always craved the initial lust/excitement and that has generally lasted about 2yrs then the relationship just peters out and we BOTH lose interest completely. i know i am unrealistic, i have always

i have been trying for the past few weeks to work on my marriage but my dh isnt up for it. he never talks to me any more, he is like a robot really, we sleep in different rooms ffs, and have done for a year. he says he doesnt care if i sleep with someone else. so i cant really change that, can i????????? if its only me making the effort then i am not letting my children down, am i?

Anniemac you are totally right, thats exactly what i'm like, i have always craved the initial lust/excitement and that has generally lasted about 2yrs then the relationship just peters out and we BOTH lose interest completely. i know i am unrealistic, i have always lived in a dream-world.

i have been trying for the past few weeks to work on my marriage but my dh isnt up for it. he never talks to me any more, he is like a robot, we sleep in different rooms ffs, and have done for a year. he says he doesnt care if i sleep with someone else. so i cant really change that, can i????????? if its only me making the effort then i am not letting my children down, am i?

ooops didnt mean to do that

I just know (sounds corny) that I would life so hard and sad without dh.

My love for dh has changed and grown iykwim When we first met it was very passionate and we aren't like that anymore but we still are in love and it's other things that show me how much he loves me.

We are sleeping in different rooms as our ds is 2 and demands to sleep with his dad and i never have the drive/energy to sort this problem out. its made 10 times worse by the fact that dh loves sleeping with ds and tells me to sleep elsewhere.he says they are "sleeping partners". so i always sleep in my ds's bed (not cool, i know).
my dh says i am psychotic and too controlling with money (i do suffer severe mood swings and we have very little money and debts so i work out where every penny is going) but i reckon most of the problem is that we are withdrawing from each other.