How do you know if you're in love with someone or merely just love them?

[frenchconnection]

i have this query really, my dh and i have been together for nearly 5 yrs, whirlwind romance at start, engaged after 2mths... but now with 2 children (one from my previous relationship)im not sure if we're still in love? As we go days/weeks without so much as a peck on the cheek, let alone a hug.

Some weeks we barely talk then the next week we can be best of friends(i have severe mood swings) and he can make me laugh so much it hurts. To be honest it feels like we are brother and sister rather than lovers and i dont know whether to leave him or stay?We only have sex about once every few wks btw and i cannot bear him to kiss me properly even then, (i turn my head away...!)But some days we are like best buddies...

We've already got the biggest king size we could find!! yes i think its something to do with him feeling rejected, either that or he just doesnt like me any more..he is also extremely protective/possessive of our son, wont let him out of his sight when he returns from work, this includes the sleeping with him problem.
he reckons we should stay together for the kids, but i have never liked this idea, whats the point? but its not like the kids see us fight as we dont. i just dont want to carry on like this for the next 20 yrs. i feel 47 not 27 right now.

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread, but I would say the words 'merely just' underestimate what can be the most valuable sustainable and strong relationships around.

By "stay together" he means stay in the same house in separate bedrooms, we only bought it 6mths ago and neither one of us can face the whole selling/buying hassle so soon again. He doesnt mean stay together as a couple. i have suggested Relate countless times but he refuses point blank and just tells me to shut up. dont really know what to do!! thanks for the advice though, much appreciated! xx

I agree with Blu. But then I always do - would post a lot more than I do if Blu hadn't already added my twopennorth!

I am the one who will leave the house with dd and ds, we will have to rent somewhere and be on benefits for a while.dh will stay in the house as he earns more than me. dh has said he wants to see the kids (particularly ds) every single night and weekend!! so i will never have a day i dont see dh! aaaaaaaarrrrghh i will never get away!

its true we do have a laugh sometimes, and very rarely have sex, but tbh its only to try and convince myself that we are still a normal couple. he usually stops half way through and says it doesnt feel right, then i sleep next door!

Just thought Id post as I have been through something very similar..It horrible I know when there is a brick wall facing you when you suggest things that might help your marriage. IMO if you leave it will be very very hard and awful for ages , and then suddenly life starts to get better again and you see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i have moved on from a similar situation and 5 years later am happy, married with new baby and older son who is now much happier in a loving home. however, it is a huge step (i realise that you dont need telling this) and it does sound like you might benefit from some counselling yourself - this really couldnt hurt whatever you decide to do, and a good counsellor will make you imagine how life would be in different scenarios and help you reach some decisions. Good luck and a big hug. you do deserve some happiness and life does not have to be like this. xx

Amen, LaDiDa.

I think the entire Western concept of 'love' has a lot to answer for.

Let's all remember that gold is hidden in ordinary rock. Rock gave birth to the gold, nurtured it for years and years, and even when you take hte gold out, the rock's still there.

And too right, Blossom and Blu.

EVERYTHING in life changes over time. Obviously, you've grown from a baby into a woman, Summer's gone to Autumn, etc.

So why don't people accept that love changes, too, and relationships? I mean, we accept that from our kids, why exclude partners as well?

I don't get it.

i dont know why i put "merely love" someone, i would be happy to know i loved him! i dont even think there is that any more. we are just mates sometimes, flat mates the rest of the time.i wouldnt say we loved each other, im also confused who is rejecting who, feels like we take it in turns and now he has given up for good.

And ive been through the whole splitting up thing with my dd's dad, 5 yrs ago. we went to court to sort out access rights etc, and had DNA test to prove she was his! (unneccesary!!)he sees her now every fortnight which is ok.

Am facing some similar issues as some of the people on here (not read in detail just skimmed). There is a book I have seen on amazon called 'I Love you but I'm not in Love with you' bu Andrew G Marshall see here . I think he is a psychotherapist - I've not bought it yet but might.
HTH

Don't take this the wrong way, FC, but I think you need counselling.

I think you have some self-esteem issues, tbh.

This post of yours: 'anniemac you are totally right, thats exactly what i'm like, i have always craved the initial lust/excitement and that has generally lasted about 2yrs then the relationship just peters out and we BOTH lose interest completely. i know i am unrealistic,'

says A LOT!

That's all fine and dandy, but you seem to be making a pattern out of this AND involving children in it, b/c when you split up, it affects them.

Greatly.

I'm gonna stick my neck out here, and probably get flamed for it, but hey, this is a public forum.

You sound really immature.

And I urge you to get some counselling b/c the drama and trauma of your pattern of break-ups could very well f*ck up your kids long-term.

Good luck.

there shouldn't be the word mere in your title it belies what you are thinking which is a shame. Ibelieve that love is somethng far greater than the giggly giddyness which come to the newly in love.

love is

taking your wife to the toilet when she has flu.

there my dear. thats love. anything else is like boots no 7 - superficial.

Thanks for that, expat.

i will go away now.

"I think the entire Western concept of 'love' has a lot to answer for."

ITA. Any longterm relationship is so much more than the initial passion.

Sometimes though, love really does just disappear and its not always possible to get it back. Of course it evolves and changes over time, and IMO the
lust hearts and flowers thing is really just a temporary thing, what comes later is much more meaningful. But sometimes it doesnt come...
And as has been pointed out, divorce is always horrible for the children. I live with the huge guilt of this around my ds every day. But I also know that it was so hard (impossible) to be a good parent in a loveless marriage.
Agree, counselling good idea, particularly as he wont go to relate. Go by yourself!

i am back for a bit. had a good evening with dh yest, he was quite affectionate and says ive been really cocky since going to night college!! wtf? i suppose he's seen a change in my confidence really and it makes us both different.. makes me feel more independant and i guess he feels like im making my way in the world now.

FC, I think you are describing a perfectly normal marriage!

If you want to do 'it' more then it's sometimes a case of doing it when you don't actually feel like it; bizarrely it seems that it's one of those things that the more you do it, the more you want it! And I had exactly the same thing with my dh re the kissing but we talked about it and I taught him to do it how i like it

I don't think there's any such thing as being in love - I think what that means is having a crush on someone!

What you describe between you and your DH (being best buddies, then like brother and sister) is I think, basically what marriage is like and IS real love! Obviously ideally added to this is being lovers as well and that adds another layer to the love, but I think many many people struggle with this, specially when you have young kids.

In marriages these things come and go and come back as the years go on. You just have to take the long view sometimes. And if something isn't right then you simply need to deal with it so always keep lines of communication open.

Are you sure he's not seeing someone else? Doesn't he want to feel like he's in love with someone? Is he not starved of affection? I know my dh is not the most romantic man in the world by a long shot but even he will complain if he feels neglected. Sounds a bit suspicious to me. And how would you feel if that was the case? Would you make an effort to keep him? That's what you've got to ask yourself.

hi, i know he isnt cheating, he is very shy really and dead against people cheating within a relationship, he said if he would never let himself be tempted and risk ruining the relationship with his son.. if anyone were to cheat i know it would be me..
He does get a bit down that there is no affection but tbh we have got so used to the lack of love that its just become a way of life..
Plus he doesnt have the time to cheat(works 65hrs plus a week) and never meets any women at work!

Sorry but you just never know. But then again it's very hard to offer advice to someone when you don't really know their situation, and I know it's hard to take advice from lots of well meaning people! Just seems crazy that you're both in the same position yet only one of you is prepared to do anything about it. I wouldn't recommend having an affair anyway. Leads to nothing but guilt. And that's if you don't get found out. I dread to think what can happen happen if you do.