Can I be forgiven?

[Mistakemaking]

4 days before my wedding, I stupidly got very drunk on a night out and kissed the next door neighbour. I did it because I wanted affirmation that I wasn't ugly because I had been torturing myself with feelings of getting fatter and fatter with a wedding dress to fit into. I have body dysmorphia issues. My fiancé saw us kiss but still married me. This was 4 months ago. He regularly tells me I'm a horrible person but he's trying to forgive and that I will go to hell... But he's trying to forgive. We met through an affair sadly too. I was in an abusive relationship and he seemed like a knight in shining armour. He battles drink problems but is doing well with it. I do love him but I can see he hates me. I'm pregnant with my husbands baby and I feel he will never love, forgive or respect me. He can say the worst things to me, even before my mistake but now seems to relish having power over me. Maybe that's just the hurt . Feeling desperate and alone.

I'm afraid it sounds like you've jumped from one abusive relationship into another. He may overcome the drinking problems but the rest sounds like his personality...

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't be happy if my dp cheated on me with the next door neighbour, but if you continue with a relationship you don't throw it in their face every 5 minutes. Do you think he is almost pleased that it happened, given how much power it gives him?

Have things got worse since you found out you were pregnant?

I would think your best bet would be to go for counselling to see if you can get this marriage to work. Sounds like you've understandably got off on the wrong foot, and it's going downhill from there.

Can you really see yourself being happily married to this man, with kids, in 5 years time?

Get counselling and start thinking what your life could be without him. No need to make a decision immediately.

A drunken kiss isn't the end of the world - so stop worrying about the act itself.

Its revealed what kind of man your husband is. He thinks he has a say over who goes to hell. I can tell you for sure, he doesn't. (Unless he's Jesus. In which case, you've got no problem with the forgiveness but the publicity is going to be hard to take).

If its true that he can't or won't love, forgive or respect you, then you would be better off without him.

I'm sorry you are in this mess. Forgive yourself (that's what the counselling is for) and start looking with a clear mind at how your husband treats you.

I think he is pleased. Today I found out he had been putting kisses on texts to another woman pre-dating my mistake. We'd always had an agreement not to do this with opposite sexes because of how we met. He then had a massive go saying I had no right to be upset and he was glad I was, after what I had done .

Thank you Humblepie Monster. The funny thing is he hates anything to do with Jesus, it sends him into a rage so no idea why he thinks about people going to hell etc.

He also says I need to do lots of things to make up for what I have done. That anyone showing him attention would be better than what I can give him .

Then you need out, I think. He's not being nice. Living in this terrible state isn't good for you and your baby. Do you have parents you could go to?

I do but I'm so worried about telling them what I have done. They'll be so sad.

What you have done?
Is there something you aren't telling us?
Are you parents/ your husband's parents very religious?
There are few adults (except on Mumsnet) who make a big deal of a drunken kiss.

They might be sad. But if they love you they'd be more sad to think that you are being punished daily for a mistake, when you're pregnant and have already had a hard time with a previous relationship.

Tell them if you can bear it and if they will help you. Get counselling. Learn to forgive yourself and develop some self-esteem. Love and look after your baby when s/he comes. And take it slowly with your husband or with any future partner.

I don't think your parents will be worried about what you've "done." If your dh knew what you'd done and still married you then it's between you and him.

Your parents will be sad however if you don't go to them for support when you're in such a horrible situation. Your dh sounds like he does have a bit of a Jesus complex, deciding who'll go to hell and who will be forgiven.

I don't think anything you do will be enough, life isn't really like that is it ? Does he have some sort of quota or list that once you've achieved it you'll be absolved ? I think you're right that it's just a stick to beat you with.

It sounds like what you have done feels massive to you right now. Not surprising when you are being told that it is the worst thing in the world on a daily basis. He doesn't sound like he knows how to be thoughtful and kind and is very defensive in his own behaviour, constantly turning it back on you. If you have low self-esteem this will be easy to do.

Humblepie is right, the most important thing right now is you and your baby. Talk to your parents. Hopefully they will be able to give you the support you need. What you did isn't unforgivable. If they can't give you that support then find someone who can, for your baby if nothing else. You do deserve it.

Good luck.

You kissed someone else

Yes that is bang out of order and a horrid thing to do.

You kissed someone, you didn't have a naked orgy in the family home.

He is using this kiss as a get out of jail card and beating you with it.

Treating the person he married in this way trumps any kiss, he is being vile.

Speak to your parents.

Sounds like a pretty toxic relationship, you cheated on him just days before you married him and try to justify it by blaming body issues and he's using your cheating as a stick to beat you. Just four months into a marriage the future must look pretty bleak. I think you both need to accept you've made a mistake getting married.

Yes I cheated. I drunkenly kissed someone else and consequently feel terrible. I don't know what to do to put it right, but hand on heart, I wouldn't do it again. Ever. To anyone. I acted selfishly in a split second. Had I been sober I would never have gone there. I just don't know why he needs to string out the forgiving or not forgiving part. We can go a week or 2 with everything fine and then he turns again. This time because I said I was upset that he put kisses on messages to one woman and not others I might add, despite our agreement pre-dating my mistake. When I was upset he left me crying and told me he didn't care and he was glad. This suggests real malice. My mistake was out of selfish insecurity not anything as dark as malice.

He says it'll take years to forgive me and I am not allowed on nights out with friends anymore either.

OP he's abusive. This is what your married life is and will continue to be. He will always try to punish you and hold a drunken kiss over you. He sounds massively controlling. Do you really want to live like this?

I can't bear it, but I can't help wanting to help him to trust and love. He doesn't really have anyone close but me. And I'm scared of being alone.

He says it'll take years to forgive me and I am not allowed on nights out with friends anymore either

Oh dear OP. Whoever's fault it was, you cannot live like this, especially when pregnant.

Sorry love, I think you have to leave this relationship, you cannot bring a child into a situation like this.

Why are you getting so drunk when pregnant that you can't control your actions? Do you have issues with alcohol too?

Your H sounds abusive and I think you need to seriously consider if this marriage can work.

This was before pregnancy.

Why are you scared of being alone? Nothing bad will happen you know, if you're on your own. Plenty of bad will happen if you stay with him though, he'll eat away at your self esteem until you feel totally worthless.
You'll have your baby to concentrate on soon and wouldn't it be better not to have him hanging this over you, torturing and controlling you?

And I don't drink very often when not pregnant.

Yes pinky, you're right. I just feel like a failure. I had a lovely 2 point 4 family upbringing and now I feel like I'm letting my child down.

But obviously id be letting him or her down if I stayed.

OP you are not a failure! You've jumped from the pan into the fire relationship wise but that can be sorted. Even if you're not ready to leave right now why not put the wheels in motion ie. See what kind of housing you could get/benefits etc, make sure all your important documents are safe, save some money. Then you'll have a much clearer idea of where you are and it'll give you some strength knowing that you can sort yourself out when the time comes.