Can I be forgiven?

[Mistakemaking]

4 days before my wedding, I stupidly got very drunk on a night out and kissed the next door neighbour. I did it because I wanted affirmation that I wasn't ugly because I had been torturing myself with feelings of getting fatter and fatter with a wedding dress to fit into. I have body dysmorphia issues. My fiancé saw us kiss but still married me. This was 4 months ago. He regularly tells me I'm a horrible person but he's trying to forgive and that I will go to hell... But he's trying to forgive. We met through an affair sadly too. I was in an abusive relationship and he seemed like a knight in shining armour. He battles drink problems but is doing well with it. I do love him but I can see he hates me. I'm pregnant with my husbands baby and I feel he will never love, forgive or respect me. He can say the worst things to me, even before my mistake but now seems to relish having power over me. Maybe that's just the hurt . Feeling desperate and alone.

You didn't turn him into an abusive arsehole, he was one already, if he hadn't of had your drunken kiss to beat you with it would've been something else. You aren't responsible for this excuse of a man.

I suspect neither drink or body dysmorphia are the reason for your neighbourly snog but rather your desire for penis shaped rescuers.

You need to feel better about yourself and It doesn't matter how inappropriate the appendage attached to the penis is.
You've learnt the hard way that the responsibility for fixing your issues doesn't lie in someone else's hands, your H couldn't but instead, brought a shit load of his own.

The good news, it is in your power to change you. You're going to need support and a good counsellor but you can figure out and learn to rescue yourself. Your pregnant and it's not fair on your child to be at the mercy of someone whode decisions are driven by fear and unwillingness to take responsibility.

You're right. I've always wanted to be rescued from situations by men. I don't get why I did it this time because I really wanted to marry him. So it might have been low self esteem leading me to seek validation in someone else.

You need to tell him to shove his forgiveness up his arse and get the hell out of there. He must have been over the moon when he saw that kiss. The ammunition he wanted, though I don't doubt for 1 minute he would have found his own! He is abusive and controlling. Kick him to the kerb!

And if it was just a kiss you did not cheat either!

Pick up your self esteem, dust it off and take it somewhere else, somewhere you can start noticing how capable, independent and valuable you are.

Stop wallowing in self pity and waiting for yet another knight in shining armour to save you.

I know, bit harsh, but you can do it... first steps...

There are men out there who'll see your need to be rescued and validated, as a vulnerability to be exploited. In the beginning they will hook you with all the things you want to hear, however once hooked, the pretence will stop and their true colours will shine through.

It's time to investigate whatever void is being filled by these men because as long as you don't know or understand what is driving your behaviour, you'll be destined to repeat the same mistakes.

Did you really want to marry him or was he just an escape? I think your failure to acknowledge this and your reluctance to be your own person led you walk down the aisle.

I can't help wanting to help him to trust and love

That's not your job and it's not possible. This is a huge mistake that many women make about abusive men.

I don't think he can forgive you and I don't think he will ever trust you.

You already know you don't trust him.

There really is no relationship here to save.

It doesn't sound like he wants to forgive you. If he did, he would have.

It sounds like he wants to control you and this was a perfect excuse for beating you up with guilt. He would have found something else.

And not allowed to go out with your friends? Fuck that. He doesn't own you. Sounds like now is when you need your friends and family.

^^ This. He is emotionally abusing you now, heaven help you in a few years time if you stay. If you care for your unborn child, then for the love of God get it and yourself away from this man. Fast.

At the very least ring Women's Aid and talk things over with them. They will listen to you and not just push you to leave if you're not sure/ready like I'm doing

You should get out of this relationship and find some therapy, OP. Probably the Freedom Programme would be a good place to start.

Hi all. Thought an update would be helpful as there's rarely a nicely rounded off conclusion to these threads...

I'm the husband and I am very happily married to my wife and I love her dearly. I can't wait for us to have our son together this May. I'm very tempted to present my side of the story of the above to give the full picture of our relationship, its dynamics and the factors that culminated in the event in question but I don't know how productive that would be - and all it would demonstrate is that both of us could have treated and supported each other better at times over our relationship.

The incident that happened just before our wedding was a difficult time and seriously jeopardised our relationship but I am so glad it did not break it. Was I angry and hurt? Of course I was. I dread to think what would have happened if it had been the other way round! Do I find it difficult to trust someone? Yes. Or to truly forgive them? Yes. Do I know she has tackled her body dysmorphia, binge drinking and 'knight in shining armour' syndrome? No. I have to be honest about that otherwise the only person I'm fooling is myself. But I am committed to tackling my issues as well as supporting her as best I can with hers.

I think these discussion forums are a great thing (I wish I had talked to someone about it all too) but I don't think they accurately represent the multitude of factors and problems that exist within relationships. Contributors only get to see a tiny part of the problem from one angle. If they could see the whole picture and see it from a number of angles, their views/advice would likely be very different at times.

Good luck to you all in your relationships and personal development. If you are unhappy and know what drives your behaviour, or just know what you need to do - do it now, before any negative thinking/behaviour kicks in and ruins something good in your life.

For me, I am looking forward to many happy years with my wife and family.

Does your wife know you are posting on her thread?

The fact that you feel you have the right to post that underlines your controlling nature.
The fact that you feel the need to post underlines your insecurity.

OP, I imagine you're facing some pretty awful consequences of him finding this thread. Just remember...you don't need his permission to leave him; he doesn't have to hit you to be a bastard; and there are single moms up and down the country doing ok.

Good luck.

He sounds an absolute nightmare. Going on and on about a kiss. It's not the kiss if it wasn't that he'd find something else. These types always do. I don't see any prospect for this relationship I'm afraid. Unless he wakes up one morning changed. And he won't. I think you should leave.

Ah go on ladeez. Settle down now, our heads have been patted. We can carry on being good little girls

OP. I hope you are doing well. Maybe come back with a new name and get some more support.

theDH How did you find this thread?
Did your DW show it to you or do you totally control her by checking her web use?
Of course we only get one side and we are here to support the person requesting help.
What your DW has outlined is abuse and control - pure and simple.
You need to look at why you do it. Get some help if you want to salvage this relationship.
EVERYTHING your DW has said here screams ABUSE to all of us!!!
She's not made all this up.

mistake can I suggest you contact Womens Aid. Ask to take part in their 'Freedom Programme'.
Start to see when abuse and control begins so you can see it and get out fast.
From what you have posted I still think you need to listen to other posters and get the hell away from this abuser.
There was a reason you needed reassurance you were attractive. Your DH doesn't give you that. I think your binge drinking and body image issues will lessen hugely when you are away from your DH.

Yes hellsbellsmelons. Very suspicious. Op is obviously very vulnerable. I hope she is OK.

"And if it was just a kiss you did not cheat either!"

I shall remember this gem next time someone catches their man snogging their neighbour/work colleague/barmaid down pub!

Do that, Sleepless.

In context it meant that a drunken snog isn't always a sign of a cheating heart. Then again, I don't make snap judgements or expect to live in a 100% perfect world. I expect I live in a world where people make mistakes and can often be forgiven for them!

She wasn't married when she kissed the other person. So didn't break any vows. It's hardly adultery. What a storm in a teacup.

I don't expect to live in a 100% perfect world either, I just very much doubt that if the roles were reversed people would be quite as willing to forgive or consider mitigating circumstances

DH posting here is creepy and controlling. You don't let her see her friends, can't she have somewhere to outlet? OP I hope you find a way away from this man.

Thanks everyone. Surprised at some of the responses. Yes, for those that have asked - I knew about this thread as she told me. And I also checked that it was appropriate for me to comment within the mumsnet guidelines too, which it is. I think it's really healthy to share views. I was simply making a positive statement about my wife and our relationship now - we have worked on it and we are stronger for it. And we are excitedly preparing for our son to arrive in May.

I knew I ran the risk of backlash by commenting here and I understand that, that's fine. Threads are regularly left dangling though and sometimes there's a positive story to tell.

Aha - you see, I've only just noticed this was originally from November 2014!
That will teach me to look at the OP date!
On that note, I'm very glad you and your DW have worked at things and they have turned around.
I truly hope you are both happy and good luck with the new little one in May.