To move in or not.

[sereneno]

Ive just started posting on mn so feel a bit cheeky asking for help when im so new but you are all so supportive and balanced...so here goes. Ive been with dp for nearly 3yrs and we are at that point where its so hard to intergrate our lives and the next logical step would be to move in together. i have a tiny terraced house with NO garage(he cant live without a garage)in a lovely area. He has a bigger new detached house which i hate (anyone remember Brookside?!)Moving in with him would mean moving dd school plus employing a childminder- at the mo my work is close to school so i can take and pick up. sorry for being so long- i just dont know what to do.

Have you considered selling both properties and buying something in your area with a garage??

good idea freckle! but make sure you have a written agreement about the mortgage and what you'll do if you split up. becomes horribly messy otherwise.

I know. that would be the obvious solution but we have both survived awful divorces and both are terrified of giving up the security of our houses - i was lucky enough to live with parents until i managed to find a house (needed everything doing to it) otherwise we would have been in B & B. It feels like security is more important to us than risking everything for each other. So what does that tell me about our relationship? Have i just answered my own question?! I would love him to show me how sure he is by taking a chance and moving in here then buying somewhere together. After all he only has himself to consider, i have 2 children. Feels like he is hedging his bets

Have you spoken to him about this? Properly?

The Freckle solution is good. If he can't live without a garage but can live without living with you that probably says enough....

What's stopping you buying together? It's less risky than if one of you had to sell your place. In either case you need a written agreement before you do move in together.

60 - 70% of second marriages fail so it's best to be cautious. May be wait unless and until he proposes for example.

Thanks Xenia i think you have hit the nail on the head. I suppose im looking for some sign from him that this is a permanent committed move- not just a 'lets live together and see what happens'. I know nothing is guaranteed in life but i darent risk unsettling my children again on a whim of his. The 2nd marriage stats are frightening! why is that? You would think 2nd time rounders would have realistic expectations and know the work required. Anyone been married twice? or more?!

oh no!! I din't know about those stats. I would have thought the other way around myself.

DH has been married before! [panic emoticon}

i think until you are ready to buy together you should notmove. YO can always buy another house as an investment.

Why the hell should you change everything and him nothing.

Why is the garage so important to him? Is there a garage near you that you could rent perhaps?

I have to say that if someone who purported to love me ranked having a garage above living with me, I would have to question our relationship.

The garage is more important than the woman... men and cars I suppose.

The stats are true. I had to check them last week and the US stats are the same. I think it's because those married before know divorce is possible, they have extra strains - two sets of children to meld, financial obligations to another family, they may be people prepared to divorce whereas those married for life for religious or other reasons stay together or they marry too quickly on the rebound or they're just the serial monogamists who abound.