Emotional abuse

[Doormat1234]

I am in a relationship which I feel is not healthy.

Earlier this week I said something he took exception to, i keep going over what I said and it wasn't untrue or derogatory.

Since then I have had the silent treatment, no response to texts, we were meant to go out tonight and no texts, he just didn't turn up. I got fed up and sent a text saying more or less FFS either have it out, get over it or end it." Got a one word response "goodbye".

We have been seeing each other for two years, but don't live together. He will often send me to Coventry and sulk about what I see quite minor things.

We are not youngsters, I have a responsible well paid job, he is on benefits.

Why do I feel absolutely besides myself and upset to the point of hyperventilating and feeling sick?? Please help me over this, I could well end up grovelling. I have not responded since the goodbye text.

I know it sounds pathetic, at my age (42) but i thought he was the love of my life.

A big hug to you.

Sounds like classic narcissistic behavior. It will take ages to get over because its a shock when someone you love turns on a dime because that's not normal. It's not normal because they are incapable of love. The strain of trying to reconcile the two things (he acted like he loved me + he never cared) frankly does your head in.

Read this thread for more on silent treatment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2237616-Does-being-ignored-cause-anxiety?

and the link I posted about why it was abusive:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

This is now about grieving for your lost relationship, time to get over it and STAYING AWAY FROM HIM. GO NO CONTACT.

He will contact you again. It's inevitable. Your job is to be in a strong enough mental state so you won't respond. (Ask me how I know. )

Sorry to hear this i think though if he has behaved this way imagine what things would have been like!! Think you escaped at right time.....

That second link is very true to form, instead of trying to reconcile things or issue false apologies I was so fed up I issued the ultimatum. I am going to go no contact - I don't know how I will react if he contacts me, if I ignore doesn't that make me as bad as him?

Nope. It makes you strong and puts you in a position of control.

He is ignoring you as a punishment. You are not responding because he is out of your life forever.

(I hope you can manage it because I've been there and weakened again and again and again)

He is seriously bad news. Can you block his number on your phone, or at least edit the contact details so he comes up as "TwatFeatures" or something? Just to remind yourself that he is out of your life and you do not want him back in it.

You will never meet a decent man until you get rid of this one.

I think his 'goodbye' is your emergency exit. Saves you the bother of dumping his sorry backside.

'If I ignore does that make me as bad as him?'

No. People like this exploit the fact that the other person is decent, wants to keep the peace, doesn't want anyone to feel hurt etc. They have no such scruples, of course. So go no contact with a clear conscience. You owe him nothing

I have no better/further wisdom than the previous posters, so just a hug from me. Stay strong!

I am married to someone who uses the silent treatment. I second everyone else's advice. Don't go back to him or have any contact. You are now free to enjoy your life without continually second guessing yourself, or being anxious. It also leaves a space for you to meet an emotionally balanced, open and loving person. Don't accept anything less.

(And I think you should change your user name ).

Thank fate for giving you an escape route I say!

Make that the last conversation you have. He will never be happy, you will never please him, and to stay with him would be condemning yourself to a life of upset, confusion and the gradual erosion of your sense of self.

Goodbye indeed.

Thanks for the responses, I put that as my user name because it is making me feel like one. I don't take any nonsense in other areas of my life and am very assertive at work. I just don't know why I have put up with this crap from him, and let it go on so long.

It's easy to be manipulated into settling if the alternative is long winter evenings alone :)

It's sounding pretty possible that he was very upset with you, perhaps more than you thought, without knowing the details of what it was you said to him, and kept bringing up. It's hard to be confident either way. He may have just broken up with you, however I don't see how you could reasonable call anything you've described abuse.

*reasonable

I feel that the silent treatment is emotionally abusive, as he has used it in the past to "punish" me if I don't agree with him or if we fall out over minor things.

I had said to him that I didn't agree with him benefitting financially from something to which he wasn't entitled. I did not name call or be derogatory, only that I did not agree with it.

Doormat

I just read this after someone on another thread (toxic relationship in the title) said emotionally abusive relationships can be chemically addictive and I googled.

cafephilos.wordpress.com/2011/03/17/why-women-sometimes-become-addicted-to-abusive-partners/

and also this:

www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/relationship-addiction.htm

@ icelander.... Silent treatment in isolation is not abusive. As a repeated pattern of behaviour and especially when the aim is to control, punish, intimidate or manipulate another person, then it becomes abusive.

May I ask OP why you think he's the love of your life? Are you sure?
Or is that something you longed for and decided to cast him that role?

Is your soul mate really an emotionally abusive enemployed loser? He doesn't sound a match for you at all.

What you said was entirely reasonable, and it was your true opinion.

If adults can't talk about problems then they never get solved, and ultimately the relationship is doomed anyway - at best one of you will be uncomfortable and full of resentment.

It is very childish behaviour on his part; he sounds like a spoilt brat, from this one incident. As you say this is his normal reaction, it is abusive. He is using your natural response to his silence as a punishment, and to coeRce you.

I was in a 'silent treatment' relationship for 4 years. Things that would trigger the silent treatment would be: not sharing his view, having gone out with people other than him and had fun, having gone out with people other than him and not had fun ("I told you so"), coming back from somewhere at a different time than planned, not contacting him often enough/first/every morning/whatever, and on one occasion even for watching different television on Christmas to him when we were apart (yes seriously). As I write this now I of course think "how did I not see this was abuse?!" but at the time I genuinely didn't. Having grown up with a similar father I actually thought this was normal and I wouldn't get better from any other relationship, which he compounded by making me feel as if I was something he had to 'put up with' and using language like 'high maintenance'. The problem with an emotionally abusive relationship is also that in the style of the classic poem, when it is good it is very good and when it is bad it's horrid. So many times, once my partner started being nice again I would be on cloud nine and forgive him everything. I did genuinely love him and our good times. We had some of the best good times I have ever had in a relationship. But in the end I saw that I deserved better than the bad times. I only wish that like you I had seen it sooner.

My 'd' m was like this. It's abusive.

It sounds like you had a lucky escape.

If he contacts you, you can simply reply It's over, please don't contact me again, and don't respond to any further contact.

I think it's likely that he will contact you. He fully expects you to grovel to get him back. Please don't. You are worth a lot more.

I suppose I think he was the love of my life as we got on exceedingly well in between the silent treatment episodes - every time it has happened I have got really upset and made the first move and apologised even if I don't think I am at fault.

This time, what I commented on is something I feel very strongly about, and I refused to validate what he was planning. I said that it was up to him what he did, but I did not agree with it and felt it was unethical. He then got really angry and said I was accusing him of being a scammer and a scrounger (I used no such words)x

He then appeared to be ok, we both went home on good terms, but then he sent me a shitty text the next morning before launching into the silent treatment.

I am considering if his over reaction was projecting, as deep down he knows those words would fit his actions.

Probably, DM1134, but please don't dwell on his and his - for want of better word - "reasoning". You made a lucky escape there.

Do a Mumsnet search for "shit coffee" or "poo coffee". It's the best analogy ever.