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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional abuse

54 replies

Doormat1234 · 21/11/2014 22:51

I am in a relationship which I feel is not healthy.

Earlier this week I said something he took exception to, i keep going over what I said and it wasn't untrue or derogatory.

Since then I have had the silent treatment, no response to texts, we were meant to go out tonight and no texts, he just didn't turn up. I got fed up and sent a text saying more or less FFS either have it out, get over it or end it." Got a one word response "goodbye".

We have been seeing each other for two years, but don't live together. He will often send me to Coventry and sulk about what I see quite minor things.

We are not youngsters, I have a responsible well paid job, he is on benefits.

Why do I feel absolutely besides myself and upset to the point of hyperventilating and feeling sick?? Please help me over this, I could well end up grovelling. I have not responded since the goodbye text.

I know it sounds pathetic, at my age (42) but i thought he was the love of my life.

OP posts:

Greta28 · 22/11/2014 14:10

you will never meet a decent man intil you get rid of this one
This.
You're on the right track.

Original poster

Doormat1234 · 22/11/2014 15:03

I also think I am upset as after 2 years, I would expext more than being dumped by a one word text messages, it is very degrading :-(

OP posts:

flipflapsflop · 22/11/2014 15:16

he doesn't think he's dumped you. he's waiting for you to capitulate. please don't.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/11/2014 15:39

Emotional abuse is pretty demeaning, unfortunately. Once you realise that you've been manipulated into acting against your better judgement, it's not a good feeling. To get dumped into the bargain only adds insult to injury. I also think he's expecting you to try smoothing things over. Please don't give him the satisfaction.

Lweji · 22/11/2014 16:07

Apart from the EA, it looks like he was a scammer and scrounger.
Lucky escape.

I suspect he'd turn into a cocklodger if you ever lived together.

kittensinmydinner · 22/11/2014 17:18

I am going to give you piece of advice from my lovely straight talking late fil . Given to his daughter when she was in the exact same position. 'If a man doesn't worship the ground you walk on -fuck him off ! " Its a mantra to hold and repeat ad infinitum. Sounds trite but it's the key to not putting up with shit relationships . You are worth more than this.

PedantMarina · 22/11/2014 19:11

DM1234, it hurts so badly, but try to look at it like you've heard about this from a friend - would you want that friend to BE with a man who can act like that and then dump/accept the dump with just a one-word text? Of course not!

I had a similar break-up a few years back. I'd been with a guy shortly after I left my husband - never really thought about him as The One, so in theory it shouldn't have hurt so much. We were together (even lived together) for a couple of years, then drifted apart. We tried to stay friends (and by this time I was with DP who IS the love of my life) and would have lunch together sometimes, but he kept doing odd things. The final straw was when he tried to grope my breast, right in front of my office building, and I was, like, WTAF?!? I stewed about it for a few hours, then wrote him a message, the gist of which was: "Clearly you don't respect me, and I don't want to see you any more". His one-word reply was "Okies".

THAT hurt more than anything else he had ever done! Like, what, am I not even worth fighting for?!? And I was actually happily with DP, so it's only the friendship I was mourning.

But, sadly, yes, to a certain type of man, no woman is worth fighting for.

Original poster

Doormat1234 · 23/11/2014 14:33

Please somebody give me a kick up the arse.

We were mean to be going out later and I most sent a message along the lines I guess we won't be going out later then..... Aargh the urge is so strong as it was something I was really looking forward to!

OP posts:

PoppyField · 23/11/2014 15:04

Hi OP,

Don't send anything! I am here to kick you up the backside. Keep quiet and keep your dignity! You're doing great....

PoppyField · 23/11/2014 15:19

Was just going to say OP, before I saw that you were teetering urgently on the edge of a text...

a)that you have been brave and challenged him and called his bluff

b) I think you have effectively done the dumping. Your initial text in response to his ridiculous behaviour to tell him to get over it or get out, is/was a strong ultimatum. It was the right response. Don't start wondering whether you could have phrased it differently - it was perfect. Don't feel dumped!

Your are only 2 years into this relationship. Yes, two years is a big emotional investment, but from where I'm standing, you still have your self-esteem (and your confidence and your sense about how a person deserves to be treated) intact. That is the crucial thing - I would not have had the courage to send that text when I was in my EA marriage because I was 9 years into it by the time it got really bad and by then totally groomed to accept silent treatment, blaming, complaints against family and friends, undermining, nit-picking - a pile of awful stuff.

So, it's a good job that you don't live with him. Much easier to get rid.

Yes, you may feel that 2 years' of emotional investment has been wasted - don't make that 5 years or 10 years or 20! Which is worse? You will find threads on here of women that have stayed with abusive partners for decades until their self-esteem is wafer thin. Don't let that be you.

He's done this before, and you've dismissed it or tried to ignore it. These were warnings. He is treating you with no respect. This is just the start of a long slide downhill. You may have ignored the first few or many warnings, but you have woken up now and you are not tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Well done you. Now you just need to keep it up.

You may love him, but whatever he is doing is not love. What is clear from his actions is that he does not respect you at all. Reflect on the way he is treating you - does anyone deserve to be treated like that? No.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 23/11/2014 15:23

Can you go out to the thing with someone else?

Original poster

Doormat1234 · 23/11/2014 15:29

No!! As he will be there.

Thanks for the virtual kick Poppy lol i have been beating myself up about the ultimatum and going over and over what I said, and it really wasn't that bad - I just disagreed with him but did not personalise it.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/11/2014 15:30

I think he expects you to contact him about it.
Don't play into his hands.

Do something to distract you from it. Make other plans, ring a friend, stay here.

Ohbollocksandballs · 23/11/2014 15:31

Keep talking to us, distract yourself, do anything to take your mind off it.

This will only get worse if you keep allowing him in.

Lweji · 23/11/2014 15:34

Your disagreement showed you didn't share the same values. Do you really want to be with a man who is so far away from what you deem decent?
How you do see your future with him?
Stop wasting your time.

PedantMarina · 23/11/2014 15:51

Go out with somebody else, to somewhere else.

If you have any - ANY - connections with him (on FB or etc), sever them now (if you haven't already). If you know he's friend of friends, change your settings.

Then go out. Relax. Enjoy. Have a leetle drink, but not loads. Ensure the friend you're going out with knows enough to keep your phone away from you if you're wavering.

Stay strong.

Jux · 23/11/2014 19:10

You can do it, op ( can't call you Doormat!). You can, because you are not a scammer and a scrounger and you do not want to spend your life with one. Do you really want to be arguing over moral and ethical behaviour with a bloke in his 40s? No you don't. You want to be having a fun time with a chap you trust to behave towards you and others with decency.

2 years isn't that long, really. You don't want to invest any longer in a moral wilderness.

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 23/11/2014 19:20

I grew up with silent treatment from my father either towards me or my mother. It'd go on for days sometimes. It is hugely damaging and upsetting.

If ever you needed a reason to step back and seriously assess the relationship, this is it.

Tinks42 · 23/11/2014 19:42

3 and a half years here OP, and like you, I had my stuff together in every other area of my life. Im now nearly 3 years out of it thank god. He had many an emotional weapon (which I won't bore you with) but his favourite was "the silent treatment" looking back it usually lasted 3/4 days until I was a total wreck, ended up on Citaloprams the lot.

Once I started reading these boards I became stronger and stronger, calling him out of his behaviour. The bottom line is he left me soon after due to not being able to manipulate me anymore and hooked up with another poor woman 2 weeks later.

So, OP stop this now. Do what's advised, go "no contact".

I also say that anyone who thinks this is normal they need to either look at themselves (if theyre the one that implements this very cruel behaviour) or wake up and smell the coffee.

Original poster

Doormat1234 · 23/11/2014 19:56

I haven't caved in yet, but feel really upset today, tearful but holding it together as my teenage son has been here all day. I can see how people end up on citalopram, I feel stressed to the eyeballs, I keep thinking of him enjoying himself at something we were looking forward to going to together, and if feels like I mean nothing to him.

God I sound like such a drip, but I am struggling so hard not to text

OP posts:

Original poster

Doormat1234 · 23/11/2014 19:58

He had demanded I apologise for disagreeing with him, but I had refused as I felt so strongly on principle that I didn't agree with his actions. I am almost feeling like saying I am sorry, I know this is wrong and playing into his hands, and anyway, I just can't be dishonest about something I feel so strongly against.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 23/11/2014 19:59

OP you are not a drip, you're an emotionally intelligent person, that's why he's chosen you. My ex used to do this when something nice or special was organised, it had more effect of course.

Mariposa10 · 23/11/2014 20:14

He sounds horrible. I agree that he said goodbye not because he means it but because he wants you to think he means it, and he knows it is making you suffer. It's control. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

PedantMarina · 23/11/2014 20:22

Well done, you! Totally NOT a drip!

What I said earlier about: "what if this was your friend ..." Well, it still applies - just look at your own words in black and white and ask yourself: what kind of a woman do you want to be, one who caters to the whims of an emotionally abusive man or one who sticks to her principles?

As to the emotional ups and downs, well you can't very well vent when you've got teenage DS in attendance. Completely understandable. I repeat: not a drip! You're fine. Really.

Lweji · 23/11/2014 20:41

Why would you want to stay with a dishonest man anyway?

You really should have dumped him there and then.

And one who plays the silent treatment with you to the point that he can't even bother cancelling a night out, leaving you waiting for him.

He does not deserve you in any way. You are so well rid.

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