I get a bit confused about the man who raped me in my teens

[Loveneverfails]

He has gone on to live such a wonderful life.

consultant wife. fabulous job. lovely kids. mega money. tons of hobbies and friends. the whole package. in fact looks to have more than the full package.

no one would guess what he did to me - EVER. I just know it (he was also ridiculously handsome).

HOW can this happen? he obviously hasn't shown his true colours to anyone but me :( Did I imagine what he did to me? (No!)

I do get a bit confused about this. How he can do something so bad yet live such a charmed life.

Sadly cogito I agree with you :(
I'm absolutely sure he thought I was a willing participant. Absolutely. Which is Partly why I have such a hard time realising that I wasn't.

The only 'karma' which has any effect on people who drug, rape and abuse others is the sort handed down by a judge. If they can't be convicted they at least deserve to be investigated. If they can be investigated they at least deserve to be publicly exposed. It's so sad when women blame themselves or stay quiet out of fear or shame.

Cleanmachine, your poor poor poor friend. My heart goes out to her.

I never managed uni either at the time, due to the rape. Well, I went but I had to come home - I was breaking down :(

BUT there is good news, despite the kids, I am back to uni now full-time and to my surprise I am top of the class (due to graduate in a health care profession). I hope she can do something in her latter years as I have now done.

If people were mirrors, rape is like taking a mallet and smashing the mirror right in the middle and watching it shatter and splinter to all four corners. The repair job can be massive.

My rapist, remembers me only as a girl he 'slept' with I am sure. In fact, I am sure he holds with me disdain.

I met him in a pub, maybe 5 years after the rape and he said to me 'how about we have a Fcuk for old times sake?'.

I left and vomited, such was his lack of insight.

He said he thought of my body when he had sex with other women.

I put on lots of weight, which I have still not lost (I was young and slim then).

I sometimes wonder if it is protective, as my body is certainly very obese now and nothing to 'think about'.

Strange, the far reaching effects of rape.

Whats worse is, I see his mum around as we still stay locally and she always tells me how my rapist is, as if I care. I don't have the heart to tell her, well actually your son raped me. That is how I am, I wouldn't want to crush another woman - even if it is HIS mother :(

Ive stayed quiet because i couldn't remember and I know how women are ripped apart on the stand. I'd rather not give him that satisfaction. Of walking free due to 'lack of evidence' :(

The fear of being ripped apart on the stand does put people off reporting but it has led to a lot of women opting to suffer in silence and get zero help whatsoever. If you talk to an organisation like Rape Crisis there's a lot of things you can do for yourself in terms of telling your story and receiving counselling and other support that don't necessarily involve the justice system or the police.

My grammar and syntax are shot this morning.... sorry

I actually tried the rape crisis email service.

It was an epic fail sadly.

Nice person(s) at the other end, but it was heavily sanitized-return-answers that didn't really acknowledge what I had said and I felt it was very disconnected from any help.

I think I would find SAYING my story harder than TYPING them Dont know why. I get confused about HOW counselling would benefit me. What ARE the benefits?

dont worry about that! I never care ha ha

The person who raped me had and still has no idea what he did. He's in a good job and sadly one of great authority and power over others. He is seen as a nice family man with a loving wife and wonderful children. His wife and children are very lovely its him that's the problem. In truth he's a shit that cheats on his wife. Preys on women for sex and thinks its his entitlement. He thinks if he has to pay for sex then he's doing something wrong. Just writing that makes me furious! He actually said to me that some women 'enjoy rough sex' and he would always stop if someone said 'no' to him. Well he didn't stop. He kept going and decided not to hear. Afterwards I was told I was a 'good girl'! I haven't reported it simply because I wouldn't get anywhere with it. He knows the system far better than I do and I'd be made to look like the fool. I doubt my marriage would survive as my dh has no idea. I won't be the only one. I'm convinced there will be others out there and one day he will step to far and hopefully brought to justice but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I agree Karma doesn't exist. However I will also not allow his actions to define me or ruin my life. I've had mental health problems since this happened and will have them for the rest of my life. Anxiety, depression, PTSD etc but I now also have a good career and a family and a husband who respects his family and most importantly all women.

I've had counselling which was invaluable, without it I wouldn't be here today.

I now work with other survivors and help them through their experiences.

Rapists come in all shapes, sizes, colours and races. They can be drunks, they can be doctors, MP, teachers, council workers, gardeners etc. The one thing that all have in common is they think they are entitled to take what they want. They are wrong.

No matter what you said or didn't say. No matter where you went or didn't go. No matter what you wear or didn't wear. It can never be justified.

A survivor or rape of sexual assault is never to blame!

The benefits of counselling are roughly an extension of what you're experiencing here ie. a non-judgemental, supportive forum to tell your story and have it acknowledged. Only counsellors are trained professionals that can offer real insight and MN is a well-meaning bunch of randoms with no formal qualifications.

Nice person(s) at the other end, but it was heavily sanitized-return-answers that didn't really acknowledge what I had said and I felt it was very disconnected from any help

That's exactly how I felt about my GP.

I'm on the path now though.

I always thought time was a healer, but it's just got worse and worse for me. That's why I've found MN to be so useful as I can type without feeling I'm hurting the person I'm talking to as I do with my DH or mum.

V sorry to hear that Joysmum. But glad at least that you can get some feeling of release on here.
Loveneverfails, I agree with you totally about not being able to say these things out loud, I think I'd just feel utterly silly and as if I was overplaying some minor incident. I'm v accustomed to counselling as I've had it for many years (anxiety problems that are almost entirely to do with my upbringing and nothing to do with the incident at that party) and can be very open and honest with my (excellent and empathetic) counsellor but I don't really know what I would say about this if I ever brought it up. I know she would be wonderful about it but I just think I'd feel so silly. It's just impossible for me to get past the fact that I didn't say no or try to stop him so how on earth could he have known I didn't want to do it.

Have been wondering actually what he'd have done if I HAD said no or tried to stop him. I think he'd just have found a way to do it anyway tbh.

Much handier that I was incapable of speech and hardly able to walk, really.

It does make me wonder who could possibly get off on this sort of thing, I mean isn't it just horrible having sex with someone who doesn't want to do it???

So sorry for all who have posted about their own or their friends experiences, it does make me think there aren't very many good men out there which surely cant be the case, I know lots of very nice men!!

I tend to think it's mainly good men out there, this was 1, out of all the men I've ever known, apart from him there's one 'friend' (a friend's partner) who I wouldn't want to be left alone with if I was drunk and vulnerable, but I still believe most of the other men I know are basically decent.

i agree, there are MOSTLY good men.

But sadly, as these threads show, the ones you would think would NEVER EVER EVER RAPE SOMEONE NOT IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS

CAN HAVE.

now that is an eye opener.

Exactly.

My experience has shaped my life in 2 ways.

1. the guilt at not reporting and always trying to make up for that and never being able to no matter how much I try

2. my lack of trust in my own instincts. I trusted, I was wrong to. I doubt myself now and play it safe.

Joysmum, I understand.

I could weep that there are sooooooooooo many victims of rape and or sexual assault.

I look around sometimes at friends and family and wonder, if they too have been hurt, as I have as no one would guess about me.....