I get a bit confused about the man who raped me in my teens

[Loveneverfails]

He has gone on to live such a wonderful life.

consultant wife. fabulous job. lovely kids. mega money. tons of hobbies and friends. the whole package. in fact looks to have more than the full package.

no one would guess what he did to me - EVER. I just know it (he was also ridiculously handsome).

HOW can this happen? he obviously hasn't shown his true colours to anyone but me :( Did I imagine what he did to me? (No!)

I do get a bit confused about this. How he can do something so bad yet live such a charmed life.

I didnt say no either :(

I dont know if thats cos i couldnt or didnt know to. :(

LOveNeverFails, you are a lovely person :) Thank you for that

But yep, you're right, the concept that that was 'oral rape' just strikes me as really strange, DESPITE the fact, as I've already said (so forgive me for banging on about it!) I wouldn't have even the slightest hesitation in taking that view if someone else was telling me that.

I still think I must have implied consent in some way, I'm absolutely sure of that, even though I couldn't really speak at the time (too drunk) and even though I couldn't see straight. I had been quite flirty with this particular boy on previous occasions too so that also blurs the lines in my mind.

Mad, as I wouldn't think any of this for even a minute if it weren't me.

But yep, I get your confusion, even though - honestly honestly honestly, hand on heart, trust me on this - what happened to you, as you have sketched brief details here, was a very very serious crime INDEED.
xx

Love, I think you've hit the nail on the head with your last post.

I didn't say no not only because I was drunk but because I didn't know I could.

Terrifies me for my tiny DD, how do I go about NEVER letting her misunderstand this as I did (and still, pathetically, do)?

'I still think I must have implied consent in some way'

i feel EXACTLY like this EXACTLY.

but what animal, takes implied consent in the form of some flirty teenage girl (as we both were) as enough to launch a full on oral or vaginal rape? whilst they are stunned and mute.

deep down we know we didnt actually do anything wrong, we were just very very unlucky.

I am so sad for you. the rapist was my first sexual experiences of any kind.

do you consider your rapist dangerous? or even a rapist? or just entitled. thats where i am struggling - to define him as a person.

Mad, as I wouldn't think any of this for even a minute if it weren't me.

DITTO.

I think that is why rape is such a head fcuk.

and can take so long to get over?

Love oh dear, yes, he was my first ever sexual experience too :( apart from what I think people call 'heavy petting'.

I've always struggled with really enjoying sex with my (lovely) DH but I don't know if this has anything to do with that or not. Maybe it's just the way I would be anyway.

And I agree absolutely with you that it is ahrd to define both him and the experience... do I think he's dangerous? Yes in that I could absolutely see him doing EXACTLY the same thing to another woman or even a much younger girl, these days, at a party. I just think he likes what he sees and takes it. Is that a rapist/sexual predator or just entitled? I think I can begin to see that it's the former. Sort of. Still find it difficult though.

I can't even believe, really, that I am even remotely comparing my situation to yours in that from what you have said it is leagues apart - I apologise if in any way you think I am trying to minimise what happened to you. Honestly I don't think I could have coped in your situation; my God you must be such a strong person with such faith and belief in the basic goodness of people to have borne that. But it's interesting that our views are so similar and - I suspect - there are many others out there with similarly confused and complicated feelings.

I think our experiences are pretty darn similar, please please PLEASE don't apologise! They just did different things to us that's the bottom line!

I'm getting a lot out of our chat. thank you Emerald.

You know what? - I can tell that the feelings we have been left are the same. perhaps as we were both inexperienced teens and are trapped in that.

Total conflicting emotions, cos we liked the people who attacked us. we trusted them. heck we even flirted with them. we simply DIDNT see rape coming so can't quite compute it. Even now.

You mention sex. I am the exact same with my lovely dh. I dont think it is the way you would be actually, had you not been assaulted. I suspect we remain somewhat dissociated despite on a conscious level, giving our all not to be (as we love our husbands).

I think the body goes in to some kind of shock when you are assaulted and doesn't know HOW TO assess sex - fight or flightworthy? or how to unlock itself.

That bit does naff me off I have to admit. I don't like to think he scarred me for life in this respect. makes a mental note to try harder which i know will not work as its not a conscious decision anyway

Love, you are a wise woman indeed; I think you're exactly right about sort of getting stuck in that headspace where you were an inexperienced girl who didn't really know anything about sex or even love.

I was pathetically naive for a 19yo, I really was. My parents had done nothing at all to prepare me for anything at all sex related; I knew NOTHING. Honestly I didn't even know that the thing that boy was doing to me had a name!

But yes, total conflicting emotions because I wanted that boy to like me and even after he'd done what he did I thought it was ok because he seemed to think it had all been simply marvellous thank you very much.

V v much hope you aren't finding all this stuff in the news at the moment triggering, but I suspect you may be and that wouldn't be surprising

And actually, love, it has only just occurred to me that I couldn't possibly have given consent to give him a blow job because I didn't even know what a blow job was!!! I didn't have the slightest idea why he was taking me up to that bathroom (maybe I just thought it was for some snogging) but he certainly did.

Youre too kind guys

Im nothing special. Really I'm not. But I do genuinely thank god that I can love and live again after being so shocked and used and discarded - when essentially I was just a naive child.

I am acutely aware that some people cannot heal.

And I feel desperately desperately sad for them.

My puzzle pieces are still all in the box thank God, I just need to piece myself back together im getting the edges together quite nicely now.

I hate what my rapist did to me. He genuinely stole from me. But his icey hands can't really touch me now. I know that.

Perhaps one day I should tell the police, just incase he IS a serial killer or rapist in the disguise of a reputable rich married man.

In the meantime, you are right, I shall keep on keeping on. Its a good mantra.

But yes, I do get triggered. I watch the scene again and again, as if searching for an explanation. There is only one but I can't quite accept it - I was raped. I remember the teenage girl who simply got dressed, never told a soul and has never even really cried.

But I hope one day, to use my journey to help other kids who have been in my shoes. That would be a life worth living wouldn't it.

Ps. I am the same. He stripped me naked and was kissing my chest , and i never even knew people did that I lay there in total shock.

Assholes.

I am very VERY angry at your assailant Emerald. I wish he could be held to account. He was disgusting.

penguin said something on another thread about rape just now.

what shocks her most, is that she may well know some rapists in real life.

and she really might.

people who know my rapist will think of him as salt of the earth and 'together' having got it all, professionally and personally

I guess, you can't read a book by it's cover. It is good to remember that.

I know exactly what you mean, I was a very drunk 18 year old, the boy/ man who raped me would never have seemed the type (not that there is one really), cheeky smile, no shortage of girlfriends, so why would he want someone who was practically unconscious, unable to participate in any way?

I'd never, ever join in victim blaming of someone else, but I can't help doing it to myself. Why did I drink so much? Why didn't I stop him at the point when I did start to come round a bit?

I do wonder what he went on to do with his life, although if he had a beautiful, clever wife I'd rather not know. I don't think he would ever consider himself a rapist, it drives me crazy, that every time I hear about the Ched Evans case, I can't get him out of my head, but I probably never cross his mind, certainly not in that context anyway.

im so sorry burn. but i do understand. how awful for you.

You are right they wont give us a second thought, bar the consensual sex they had with us once.

I victim blame myself still a bit too though am coming round to being sympathetic to my younger self, fuck it, who doesnt drink too much? at some point. They are monsters for abusing girls who were so out of it. I shudder how they even could? whats it a person to make them hurt the vulnerable? I know I couldn't, everything in me cries to help not hurt.

You ask yourself why would they do it? when they were so seemingly normal and could have sexual experiences other consensual ways?

its mystifying.

Thats half the battle.

They were simply opportunistic. Saw an opportunity and took it at great cost to someone else

I 100% believe you and i 100% know it was not your fault, you didnt ask to be raped. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

It's so easy to believe it about someone else, but so hard about yourself isn't it?

We definitely need to forgive our younger selves, I've been drunk on more occasions than I should have and that is the only time it's led to something horrific happening. I know the difference isn't what I did, but who he was, I just still don't entirely feel that.

oh yes!

its as if we cant quite see clearly, as we were involved.

I hope one day you can feel it, me too xx

I think that in the wee small hours if they wake up, or when they are sat quiet with no one around to distract them, No wonderful life, or job, or pretty wife. They remember what they did to another living, breathing, feeling, human being and they KNOW that they are scum. They KNOW that they are worthless, and that nothing they can ever do will ever change that.

No matter how they paint over the cracks, it will always be there. They may bluff and lie to themselves and others, but they know. They will live in fear that people will find out and see them for what they are. They know that you do see them for what they are. And I don't think it ever goes away.

You lovely ladies, on the other hand, survived. You are facing up to what was done to you by those monstrous cowards. And what's more, you support each other. You will, I hope, find peace.

They never will.

Love, Emerald and Burn - I believe you

Love, Emerald and Burn - I believe you too

This thread struck a chord with me as I have been reading through.

I was also drugged when I was 18 (in a night club). The guy pushed into me so my drink spilt everywhere, he then apologised and said he would buy me a drink. I agreed and ordered the drink myself, ensuring the bar man gave me the drink. The guy then asked for a kiss which I refused. He then asked for a hug. As he hugged me I assume this is when he slipped the drugs into my drink.

I was fine one minute and the next I just went completely out of character. I remember he then tried to drag me by my arm off the dance floor and tried to take me out the door. (I was powerless) A mutal friend saw and he told her 'I was coming home with him' he was very persistent and I was extremely lucky a male friend saw and pinned him up against the wall and told him to leave me alone.

I was like you I knew what was happening but felt so powerless. I lost consciousness in the toilets after being sick for several hours.

I was very fortunate nothing escalated, just wanted to say how courageous and strong I think you are and I am very sorry you had to go through that. Makes me shiver to think what could have happened if my friends didn't interfere. It scares me also how common it appears to be. Men like that should be jailed and put away for good!!!

Glad to hear this thread his helping you! Keep moving forward and don't let this scumbag get you down anymore!!

I don't think people like that have a conscience, sorry. I don't think they wake in the night wracked with doubt. They are far more likely to rationalise their behaviour, make excuses, claim their victim was a willing participant etc. Look at the attitude of the footballer in the news at the moment. Despite a conviction, which we all know are difficult to secure in these cases, he still doesn't accept he did anything wrong. So apologies but I really don't believe there is much remorse going on in the head of a rapist

Very moved by this thread. My best friends was drugged and raped at 17. She never recovered. I am the only one who knows. She didn't go on to do a levels or to uni like the rest of our group. The rapist went on to uni and now enjoys a massively successful career in London. Breaks my heart. I love my friend so much but we never discuss it. Hugs and love to you all.