I get a bit confused about the man who raped me in my teens

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He has gone on to live such a wonderful life.

consultant wife. fabulous job. lovely kids. mega money. tons of hobbies and friends. the whole package. in fact looks to have more than the full package.

no one would guess what he did to me - EVER. I just know it (he was also ridiculously handsome).

HOW can this happen? he obviously hasn't shown his true colours to anyone but me :( Did I imagine what he did to me? (No!)

I do get a bit confused about this. How he can do something so bad yet live such a charmed life.

Rape is not so much about sex. It's about controlling someone and having power over them. It's abusive. Try to separate the sexual element. It's a means to violate, humiliate and dehumanise.

I honestly think the past always has a way of catching up with you.

One day, you or someone else might feel differently about what happened and report him. If not he might reoffend and get caught that way. The thought of him having children makes me feel sick. He doesn't deserve them IMO.

Well done for not letting this incident define your life.

thanks.

It has affected my sex life but i am slowly reclaiming that too.

I feel sad to think soooooooo many of us have been assaulted. I didnt realise how common it was.

Horrifying.

and yes youre right, rapists must come in many shapes and sizes, you just dont think theyll be so - well, lovely looking and successful makes it easier for them i guess ggrrrrr

If you don't have a conscience I can see that making you a risk-taker, and if you're also lucky, risk-taking can get you far in certain aspects of life. Could even be a psychopath - it's rare, obviously, but for all you know he might be one. Apparently they master the art of appearing normal, as they realise as they are growing up that they will stand out otherwise.

I have never articulated this before but i almost felt like an experiment to him, at the time, as he assaulted me every which way. perhaps he was a bit psychopathic, there was a coldness .

Have you had any counselling or similar? Have you told anyone at all?

that i have never ever experienced before or since. in a person, aside from the assault. like i was a living mouse to be played with by THE cat.

I am thanking god right now that I am with my lovely husband he is a million miles away from that creature who attacked me. My life is so good now, this has made me realise i have a lot to be thankful for.

ive never discussed it in detail in real life.

im not sure if the words would come out.

i have processed alot of it internally. it doesnt hurt to look at so much but was fucking horrific to face at the start

I die a little inside when i think this is a battle many people face. and that rape and assault is not rare, as i thought.

i have told hubby though as in a fact. no details.

it would break him if he knew details he adores me too much no really ha ha he must be mad lol

That is certainly chilling and I think your interpretation may well be correct. I also wonder if you've had any counselling. In the wake of all the 'celebrity' abuse cases Rape Crisis have had a large number of women, rather like yourself, come forward. They report that, for many women, just being able to articulate what happened is therapeutic. Prosecutions don't necessarily follow but, if there are other victims, your story -however incomplete - could be an important piece of the jigsaw

When I was in school, one day a teacher said to the class that she'd heard that 25% of girls our age (or some such figure) had been sexually assaulted. She told us that she couldn't believe the figure was right, and asked how many of us had been sexually assaulted. (She must have been very inexperienced, I am guessing now!) Of course we all sat there silently. I'd managed to escape someone trying to rape me, and I knew my friend in the class had been flashed at a few weeks before. That experience in class really drilled it in to me that it must be both very common and very well hidden.

I think being depersonalized by him and objectified and used as if i were dead I was paralyzed but awakish

whilst he looked every which way around me and systematically attacked me so slowly and curiously is what bothers me most.

it fucking was chilling youre right!

I have never ever identified this until this thread

though i actually feel better for sharing. cathartic. somehow.

cos i am free now and thats in the past.

phew!

i believe that stat.

and i worry at what predators can access online these days to whet their apetites even more

THANK YOU all for listening anyway,

I dont really know why i started the thread other than I know women are believed on mumsnet. they dont need to prove their innocence.

i think its healing. to be believed even if its anonymously.

The way you describe what happened is absolutely horrific. I wonder whether anyone else has reported him and there's not been enough evidence to convict him. I do think it would be worth reporting it to the police - there may well be people on file there that have said the same thing. I'm so glad you have a nice husband now. I really pity his wife.

You'd be taken very seriously if you were ever to take this further. What you're describing sounds very calculated and premeditated - almost ritualistic - on the part of this man. There's no ambiguity of interpretation, put it that way. If he didn't go on to repeat the behaviour I'd be very surprised. If anyone else had reported something similar, investigators would remember it.

You've done well to start sorting it out in your head. Don't rule out counselling either, though, or talking to your dh in a bit more detail - see how you feel later.

perhaps he did go on to hurt more women than me.

I know i was his first cos he told me :(

I pity his wife too now actually, he has a dark side. I pray she never sees it :( if she hasnt already. :(

I think you are right.

I have always felt confused by rape. as mine felt less violent and more, well as i describe.

and i felt like it somehow made what happened to me less bad.

but i can see now it was just as bad just different.

Drugging someone so that they can't stop you raping and sexually assaulting them is one of the most violent things you can do, bar murdering them.

I didnt think about it that way,

i do remember being unable to move. and he moved me.

i was in and out of consciousness and waking up to certain things.

then going back under.

it is the stuff of nightmares.

and to think i was only 16.

no wonder i had a mini breakdown afterwards.

and failed my exams.

sad thing is, i was on the way to becoming a doctor, and his assault stopped me.

plus if you met me now, mrs suburbia, happy kids happy life,

you would never guess what trauma had befallen me,

i sometimes look at others and wonder what has happened to them

and i cut people alot of slack and have a wealth of friends, as i am very forgiving and kind, as i know that life can be harsh and people need grace,

thats something good that has come from this.

Oh my goodness OP, some for you

You have described it very clearly actually, with really strong words which leads me to believe you are a very strong and grounded and empathetic person, your horrible rapist has not taken any of that away from you which is all down to your courage and strength of character.

In the most minor of ways compared to your dreadful experience, I can relate (am not in any way trying to claim that something similarly dire happened to me) because I can't really quite believe that something that happened to me when I was a teenager (the perpetrator was a teenager too and a 'friend' of mine) was actually sexual assault. Seriously, I just cannot get my head around it. And part of the reason for that is that the man (well, not much more than a boy at the time) concerned was such a larger-than-life, hail-fellow-well-met character that it just felt, to me, like a jolly old wheeze he thought he was entitled to. So the fact that he waited until I was drunk, led me up to a bathroom, pushed me to my knees and (sorry for TMI) shoved his penis into my mouth, was just something he quite fancied doing and so why shouldn't he. Like helping himself to a piece of cake.

A huge part of me (and I cannot say this in RL as it makes me sound utterly pathetic and twisted) still just thinks, "Oh, well, he probably WAS entitled to it, really. He was a jolly good bloke. People liked him. He was the life and soul of the party. (in fact it was HIS party it happened at, so I was really just a party treat for him.) It isn't really an assault, I didn't even say no.'

However what I know is that if a friend told me this had happened to her of if - God forbid - my still-tiny DD ever came ot me and told me this had happened to her, I would KNOW it was sexual assault.

As someone upthread says, the trouble is that these perverts come in all shapes and sizes, and it is VERY hard to identify them as perverts/deviants/criminals when they are charming, good-looking, successful, popular, the life and soul of the party.

So sorry you went through what you went through, OP and yay for you for making such a bloody great success of your life with your lovely DH. As others have said, maybe counselling...? Only you can know, though, how best to deal with it. You survived and you are believed.

emerald. you were orally raped. it is very clear to read.

i can almost feel your confusion. it seems very similar to mine somehow (you are right).

have you had counselling?

Im just thinking what would i say?

I think im better on here tbh, youre such a lovely wise bunch for you too.

I would kick your rapist in the nuts if i could, for you entitled twat how bloody dare he

ps' you said Seriously, I just cannot get my head around it.

this is where i am stuck too.

it doesnt make any sense does it? how, HOW could they do it? its not right for the person that they were?

NO ONE could have seen it coming. too unbelievable, even as the victim, no wonder we blamed ourselves. it had to be us mis perceiving this, right?

but we are smart. we know. it was rape. by 'normal' undangerous looking men. thats what is most chilling. well i think.

how can we teach our children to be safe, when we were so deceived so readily. it defies thinking about.