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Original poster

Please help me with what to say to DH

101 replies

russellgrantschin · 21/11/2014 15:49

This is along the lines of the porn ultimatum thread and I think the thread got me thinking about it, but now everything's gotten out of control. I have a similar boundary about something in my relationship where DH did it once and we broke up for a while and I was so upset that I thought I made it clear if he ever did it again then we would be over. (He didn't cheat on me, by the way.)

I mentioned the porn thread to him today and he was saying how he felt sorry for the OP's DH. I told him that I understood her position. That if she had made it clear and he had agreed and than transgressed that agreement out of respect for herself and her values, she should leave him.

I added "and the same with you and what we agreed when you did X." Well, DH hit the roof and accused me of threatening him. I said it is not a threat, just something I have been very clear on my feelings about and out if respect for myself I couldn't put up with it if you did it again.

He said "so you would leave me?" I said "yes. It's something I have very strong values over."

And he said "fine. I will not be threatened. I am going to do it right now and we'll see if you leave me shall we?"

I said "do what you want. I have made my position clear."

He then accused me of being controlling and superficial to throw our relationship away over something so small that he didn't even enjoy doing (he maintains that he doesn't enjoy it) That I would throw away a marriage and a DC over a scenario where right now he went and did what I didn't like would be the most pathetic thing ever.

We have left it with him saying he is going to do it, to test me. He has walked out of the house, presumably to do it.

I am in shock as we were laughing and joking about 3 mins before this came up. He is a great DH but seems very upset by what he perceives as this "threat."

What should I do or say now?

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 21/11/2014 16:24

Send him off somewhere, seriously. He is being a pillock.

TheHermitCrab · 21/11/2014 16:25

Yes initially I am sure they did, doesn't mean you then decide it's not for you or is not working, we are allowed to change our minds/leave a relationship if we come to realise it's not making us happy

How many folk agree to try again after an affair and find out they just can't continue, we are human, not robots.

I agree, but how she brought it up is key here. Talking about a mumsnet thread, then starting to lead into her husbands past mistakes, that's just goading someone, not having a proper discussion with your partner about issues affecting you.

The way he reacted doesn't seem like it's the first time she's brought it up, and if it's always in this "sly" manner then he's bound to snap.

BUT if it's the first time she's ever brought it up, he's lost the plot reacting like that.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/11/2014 16:26

Sounds like a difficult relationship with your partner OP
Sorry for you/sympathies
Hope it works out for you one way or another x

rusticwomble · 21/11/2014 16:30

Hi, new here and just browsing. In relation to your dilemma, I think the fact that you showed him the thread, then opened the conversation to your own feelings on your own issue, makes me think that its still on your mind. Which speaks volumes about trust issues between you - in that you don't feel reassured about him doing the thing again or not. The fact is that he hasn't actively done it again, (although him threatening to, is not on) so I would leave it alone and stop fretting. Worrying about things that may or may not happen, leaves no room for the energy it takes to maintain a loving healthy relationship. :)

MaryWestmacott · 21/11/2014 16:32

Your answer is "I've been clear, it's marriage ending behaviour for me. I'm not threatening you, I'm giving you fair warning of what the concequences of your behaviour would be, you can behave however you like, I won't stop you, but there will be concequences, and I couldn't forgive this, so even if we do limp along, our marriage will be effectively over as I'll have no respect for you. Entirely your choice, so stop threatening me to get me to say they'll be no concequences for your behaviour, you are an adult - do what you like, just be aware what will happen. I don't want to talk about it anymore, your choice entirely."

TheHermitCrab · 21/11/2014 16:35

I don't want to talk about it anymore, your choice entirely

But she was the one who brought it all back up.....

It would probably help if the OP mentioned how many times she has brought up this past issue throughout their renewed relationship, or if it has all just come out of no where?

supernaut · 21/11/2014 16:36

So he did something once, you made it clear it's a deal breaker.
He hasn't done it since, says he doesn't like it, yet you're bringing it up out of the blue and reiterating how you'd leave him if he did it.
And people are saying he's controlling? Hmm
Sounds like you are wanting to remind him who's boss and he's fighting back resulting in a power struggle.
Great move, OP Confused

googoodolly · 21/11/2014 16:37

Like PP have said, is it something you've brought up since, or have you only brought it up because of the porn thread?

If it's the former, you can't keep banging on about something like that. You either need to get over it and never mention it again, or realise it's a deal-breaker and end the relationship. Don't say you've forgiven it/are over it and keep bringing it up, it's not fair on either of you.

If it's the latter, it's an extreme over-reaction from your DH and I would say he probably has something to hide, tbh.

Quitelikely · 21/11/2014 16:37

OP IMO you were and have used this visit to a strip club as a stick to beat him with.

There was no need for you to mention this particular thing in relation to the porn thread. I'm sure he realised the connection.

And anyway it looks to me that he has respected your request not to do it again. Underneath that though he might feel resentful that you did what you did.

Can I ask why you object to a strip bar?

TheHermitCrab · 21/11/2014 16:38

Supernaut

I actually missed the bit where he said he didn't like it.

I agree with you here based on the small amount of info provided.

VanitasVanitatum · 21/11/2014 16:41

Sounds like he's talked himself into a corner. One of you needs to extend an olive branch before this gets out of hand.

Why don't you tell him of course you absolutely don't want to leave him you love him etc, you just hate the selling of sex/nudity so disgusting, but that you don't think he's disgusting and you appreciate that he doesn't like it.

Of course you have a right to have such strong feelings and boundaries, but imagine how you would feel if he said he would leave you and the children over a single moral call you made, especially given he isn't defending strip clubs.

PeppermintPasty · 21/11/2014 16:45

Yes, you're all right, bit more info needed. I totally read it as him going bananas with something to hide + being an arse. Bit jaded today.

Coyoacan · 21/11/2014 16:47

I think the point about moral principles is that you either share them or you don't. I would want any partner I had to share my moral principles and if they didn't, I don't think I could be in a relationship with them. And I certainly wouldn't like someone else imposing their moral standards on me, as if I were a small child.

I think your DP does not like strip clubs, as he said, but is fed up with being treated like a child without a right to form his own moral judgements.

BrockAuLit · 21/11/2014 16:52

Excellent example of why you should NEVER make a threat you're not prepared to carry through, be it with toddler or adult.

Afraid you've stymied yourself here, OP. I suggest you both have an adult discussion here about what you hate about strip clubs and what's going on in his head (possibly as simple as not wanting to be threatened). Chances are you will find some middle ground somewhere.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/11/2014 16:57

Why can't he just say "I know it's something you feel strongly about, I don't like them anyway, stop worrying I won't go to one again"

Perhaps I'm missing the subtleties here but some of you seem to have low expectations of what is possible in a man's behaviour - can't he make some effort here?

Jan45 · 21/11/2014 17:00

I agree Juggling, I think the fact the OP is bringing it up is cos it clearly does not sit well with her since he did it - going by his OTT reaction, she's perfectly entitled to have a go, it's disgusting behaviour and he's lucky he wasn't shown the door initially, I think he's taking the piss myself by deliberately inflaming the situation.

Eustasiavye · 21/11/2014 17:00

I agree with Coyoacan.

Life is much easier when you are with someone who is on the same moral ground as you.

no right or wrongs here, but it is very difficult to be with someone whose moral core grates on you,.

TheHermitCrab · 21/11/2014 17:01

Why can't he just say "I know it's something you feel strongly about, I don't like them anyway, stop worrying I won't go to one again

Perhaps I'm missing the subtleties here but some of you seem to have low expectations of what is possible in a man's behaviour - can't he make some effort here?

I'm making assumptions due to the lack of info. But she already knows (or he's already said He doesn't like them.

His reaction suggests (though not a fact) suggests that it's not the first time she has brought it up, and it's obviously made him snap.

Most of us have suggested that she. A. can't keep bringing it up with him, and it wasn't a very clever way to bring up the subject if it is something bothering her.

And B. That IF it is the first time she's said anything about it, and this isn't a build up of a lot of tension over the subject, then his reaction is not acceptable.

It's not about a man or a woman's behavior.

TheHermitCrab · 21/11/2014 17:04

People seem to be bringing up the fact the aren't on the same level morally.

From the story he went to the strip club for a stag do, and didn't like it, that doesn't sound like shady morals, sounds like it genuinely wasn't his thing, so they probably are on the same page here.

(Yes, he didn't have to go at all, but it wasn't as if she found out he was going on his own, regularly, behind her back...etc) And they both resolved he wouldn't do it again.

I'm struggling to see what he did wrong besides disagree with her over the discussion of someone elses problem on MN. And then for some reason, she brought up his past mistake.

Now if my OH did that to me, I'd immediately think he had led me into the conversation purely to bring up my mistake again. And it would anger me (not that I would react in the way he did!) but maybe I'm just suspicious!

Quitelikely · 21/11/2014 17:06

Yyy to hermit crabs last post!

I feel sorry for him and I think it was he who was pushed into a corner!

Jan45 · 21/11/2014 17:12

The OP has made it perfectly clear to her OH that she won't tolerate him visiting strip bars (yuck), she even left him briefing because of it. The fact she has raised it is not the point - his reaction is, any decent man would not have reacted like this, unless of course he didn't give a fig what his partner thought. OP, I think you raising the issue proves you really are not over what he did and probably don't trust him not to do it again.

Interesting too he feel sorry for a man who has a porn habit.

MajesticWhine · 21/11/2014 17:13

My advice to OP is back down. Apologise for being provocative and issuing an ultimatum. Admit that you feel vulnerable on this issue and you hid your vulnerability behind a lot of bravado. You don't have to change your stance on strip clubs.. Just admit you brought it up in the wrong way. He overreacted too and you are both at fault in my opinion. There must be a lot of festering negativity for things to have escalated so quickly.

Eustasiavye · 21/11/2014 17:14

So why is he threatening to go again?

Very childish.

I think the op doesn,t believe he wouldn,t do it again.

the op is wrong for bringing it up ( repeatedly) and he is wrong for threatening to do it again just to punish her.

Personally I would not want to be with someone who was prepared to do something they despised,just to hurt and punish me.

Original poster
russellgrantschin · 21/11/2014 17:14

I think I unconsciously brought the porn thread up to bring the strip club up again. I didn't do it knowingly, it just seemed to ring a bell with me.

I didn't show him the thread, just told him about it.

Maybe I am being controlling.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 21/11/2014 17:16

Hang on. It isn't YOU throwing your marriage away because your principals are so important to you. HE is throwing the marriage away because he doesn't respect you. How can he when he is doing something he says he doesn't even like just to teach you. And by teach you he means control and bully.