Please help me with what to say to DH

[russellgrantschin]

This is along the lines of the porn ultimatum thread and I think the thread got me thinking about it, but now everything's gotten out of control. I have a similar boundary about something in my relationship where DH did it once and we broke up for a while and I was so upset that I thought I made it clear if he ever did it again then we would be over. (He didn't cheat on me, by the way.)

I mentioned the porn thread to him today and he was saying how he felt sorry for the OP's DH. I told him that I understood her position. That if she had made it clear and he had agreed and than transgressed that agreement out of respect for herself and her values, she should leave him.

I added "and the same with you and what we agreed when you did X." Well, DH hit the roof and accused me of threatening him. I said it is not a threat, just something I have been very clear on my feelings about and out if respect for myself I couldn't put up with it if you did it again.

He said "so you would leave me?" I said "yes. It's something I have very strong values over."

And he said "fine. I will not be threatened. I am going to do it right now and we'll see if you leave me shall we?"

I said "do what you want. I have made my position clear."

He then accused me of being controlling and superficial to throw our relationship away over something so small that he didn't even enjoy doing (he maintains that he doesn't enjoy it) That I would throw away a marriage and a DC over a scenario where right now he went and did what I didn't like would be the most pathetic thing ever.

We have left it with him saying he is going to do it, to test me. He has walked out of the house, presumably to do it.

I am in shock as we were laughing and joking about 3 mins before this came up. He is a great DH but seems very upset by what he perceives as this "threat."

What should I do or say now?

He is now back in the house and still threatening to go and sit in the bar and have a drink "just to show me

Yep that's a bit more than leaving the socks on the floor in spite.

That's something really hurtful, and sounds like he's being aggressive about it.

If you want him to show his true colours call his bluff. But even if he doesn't go ahead with it, he's fucking about with your head on purpose.

BUT he might think you were fucking about with him on purpose showing him the thread.

Why did you show him the thread?

How long have you been together? How are things generally? Did this really just kind of erupt out of nowhere?

I'm afraid he does sound like a rather large arse.

I x-posted with you.

See, he even says it himself: "just to show you"

He wants to discipline you, OP.

This is not a nice man.

This is no good.

You need to at least agree to park it and have a proper rational discussion over the weekend.

It sounds to me like you have beaten him with the same stick so much it's broken his back, I reach the point where I decide imight as well be punished for something I have actually done rather than being tormented over something I haven't!
I think you need to suck it up and apologise to him for pushing it to breaking point...

I think you were in the wrong - if you have let your feelings be known and then accepted what happened you need to let it go and put it to bed - you cannot keep casting it up. Keeping on casting it up is unfair and by keeping on and on and on about it is bullying. either drop it or leave.

And truthfully, if he was my husband, I would pack a bin bag with his stuff and chuck him out. I've done it over 'lesser' things.

Sorry but I would interpret that as meaning he never agreed with your ultimatum at the time but went along with it for peace or to get you off his back, indicating he will/has/intends to do it again!

For some reason I am picturing a toddler in a high chair, making strong stroppy eye contact with his frazzled mother as he pushes his bowl of spaghetti closer and closer to the edge of the tray table.

This is the grown up version of that.

Was there a reason you brought the porn thread up with him? Was it to underhandedly mention the strip club issue, or was it just idle chit chat.

My OH asks me what's going on in the world of mumsnet now and again, but I think he does it purely for gossip though.

I'd never show him a post to prove a point or anything like that...

Strange how it escalated so fast.

I don't know why people write posts leaving out what the actual issue is' as it just means everyone focuses on trying to work out what the issue is, rather than giving them any help. From your description, I think it is terrible that he is going to do something deliberately to test you simply because you have said it crosses your boundaries. Worse than doing it because he wants to. But then it does rather depend on whether you are being reasonable about the issue - if he bought royal gala instead of empire apples, then the scenario is a little different to if he has just popped out to snort cocaine off a prostitute's breasts in the toilets of the House of Commons.

But they were apparently having a normal discussion when he 'hit the roof'. The op didn't take it to the next level, the way I read it.

Well it seems to me from the limited information, if he has said he won't then bringing it up again is just a further irritant. You are clearly not over it, nor do you want to move on from it.

If the boundary has been agreed between you then to keep bringing it up is thoughtless and rubbing his nose in it. You have made your stand and your position clear (which I applaud) so now leave it, if he does it again your threat is clear that it's a deal breaker then go.

Bringing it up again like that is insensitive and it is continually challanging him. I'm not sure he will break his promise (despite his threats), but equally there is no need to keep reminding him of it. If it is that much in your thoughts then you have not forgiven him and you are not over it, and that is something you do need to sort out.

Yeah, he goes to strip clubs.

If it was something he never did & had no intention of doing again, why would be care?

De-escalate this situation!

Suggest that you both take a deep breath and get some tea / go to the shops / put the telly on.

It needs talking about, but not now when you are both angry, emotional and the stakes are so high.

I would turn it around him and say "so you are going to throw away our marriage by going to a strip club?"

Ultimatums are always a last resort. They shouldn't be casually waved about. If you say that the consequences of crossing the line are dire and the line is then crossed, you have to follow through with the consequences. What he's doing is calling your bluff.

At the moment, therefore, it's a standoff. If you want to stay in a relationship with each other I suggest you find a way to both back down and save face at the same time.

Tell him to stop being a giant baby.

This upset you so much that you split up with him, why are you not allowed to even mention such a huge thing? Was it agreed that its off limits?

Really unfair folk saying you can't cast it up, yes you can, it signifies you have been unable to move on from whatever it is he has done to you.

Really unfair folk saying you can't cast it up, yes you can, it signifies you have been unable to move on from whatever it is he has done to you.

They both agreed to get back into the relationship based on the fact he wouldn't do it again. Clean slate if you ask me.

If this is the first time it's been mentioned then he is being completely batty to react the way he is.

BUT if you regularly say things like "just like the time you went to that strip club"...etc and remind him, and then IF (I don't know if you did) you showed him the porn thread just as a way to bring up what he did again, and he felt like you had tricked him into the conversation, then he's eventually going to snap.

All depends on how many times this issue has already come to the surface.

I think you were being a bit goady here - sorry.

If someone bought something like this up with me - ie. reiterated an ultimatum for no particular reason, my hackles would be raised and I'd feel like rebelling, like your DH is doing as well.

Agree with Cog that you both need to somehow come back from that and diffuse the situation somewhat. Maybe you could start by apologising.

Sounds like she didn't show him the thread, just brought it up in conversation. But still, I suppose there are different ways of doing that...

They both agreed to get back into the relationship based on the fact he wouldn't do it again. Clean slate if you ask me.

Yes initially I am sure they did, doesn't mean you then decide it's not for you or is not working, we are allowed to change our minds/leave a relationship if we come to realise it's not making us happy.

How many folk agree to try again after an affair and find out they just can't continue, we are human, not robots.

Not sure an apology is required. However, if the situation can't be mutually defused, if he goes to the club you have to LTB and if he doesn't go to the club there's going to be a lot of resentment.

I think someone else has pointed out that this sounds like an unresolved (or badly resolved, carpet brushed) problem if it has resulted in such an extreme reaction all round