Slap her - your too soft

[solitudehappiness]

Been in a new r/s for just over six months. My lo is 17 months old. R/s is going well, and lo likes him.
But, we went for lunch a few days ago, and lo was getting bored and wanted to draw. Whilst waiting for waiter to bring paper, bf ripped a bit of the disposable tablecloth for lo to draw on.
Lo was getting more bored, and was hungry too, so not a good combination. She pulled the tablecloth, almost knocking stuff onto the floor.
Bf said I'm too soft on her and that if I'd slapped her she wouldn't have done it again and would have learnt not to do it! Said he was beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm. Yes, I was beaten as a child too, and swore I'd never beat my own children.
I totally and utterly disagreed, and told him so. Agreed that we'll never agree on the subject.
But, its left me feeling do I want to be in a r/s with someone who feels this way about raising children.

He wasn't joking though, as shown by the conversación you had about adults hitting each other and being charged for GBH.

It took 6 months for his facade To slip, it wasn't you not knowing what he was like at all but you did see it when he showed you who he really is. Well done. A lot of people miss it in the early stages. And don't worry about Those crocodile tears. You have absolutely made the right decisión.

Be kind To yourself and look after you and your baby.

Not sure the "i'll see you again" should be taken too seriously. it's possible that he's simply lost in what he thinks of as a normal upbringing (though it isn't). he could have been genuinely fond of you and sad to loose you and it's the sort of thing you say when something ends and you don't really want it to.

But it's clear that you and he have very, very different child-rearing styles and are not compatible.

Also, he might be genuinely a bit sad but even so the things he said were worrying. He might have slowly turned into a different man.

You did the right thing. But don't worry about what he said.

Not sure the "i'll see you again" should be taken too seriously. it's possible that he's simply lost in what he thinks of as a normal upbringing (though it isn't). he could have been genuinely fond of you and sad to loose you and it's the sort of thing you say when something ends and you don't really want it to.

I agree with this.

You did the right thing. But don't worry about what he said.

And this.

Bluebelle: A slap is how it starts. By the time I had the courage to fight back (and the testosterone to give muscle bulk) we were into fists.

In those countries where corporal punishment is banned childhood deaths are incredibly low, lower even the relative conviction rates (adjusted for population) for parental wrongful death would suggest. Abused children take more risks, conceal illnesses for longer, prefer to keep out of sight and are more easily attracted to predators.

I could have died 36 years ago when I was knocked to the floor for the last time, the middle class professionals would have closed ranks, and it would have "gone away".

he does something...your dd does it ..he wants you to slap her for it? wake up

Woke up this morning, and the first thing that came into my mind was
'mama said to stay away from the big bad wolf'.
Literally the first thing that came into my mind. Drinking a cup of tea whilst lo still sleeps and keep thinking I've had such a lucky escape.
Thank you all for your messages. Its great to hear that so many of you support not smacking. And for those that say a little smack doesn't do any harm, well, that no harm in adults, turns into control and fear.

Yay and w00t!

Really don't get the big deal about a little slap. I know it isn't the popular answer, but we got the odd smack as kids.

Hows about I come and slap you for some perceived slight?
Will keep you from being naughty.
Oh - you'd call the police would you? Why's that then?
Because it's different for adults is it? Adults can walk away, kids can't.

keep thinking I've had such a lucky escape.

Luck? I keep thinking that here's a parent with the conviction and strength to listen to her instincts and the values to put her child first.

You've done brilliantly op.

Well done OP.

Always pays to listen to your inner voice and 'spidey sense'. Those words that came into your head on waking were telling you something.

You are setting a strong example to your daughter, as well as protecting her and yourself. Applaud you!

I don't know... it's a shady subject! It's not, not really.

1] he wanted the op to 'slap her' for doing something that he himself did (pulled the tablecloth), which she essentially copied

Before you all jump & say children shouldn't copy etc, she is tiny & doesn't grasp the "don't do as I do" thing

2] into a 6 mth relationship it isn't up to him how op disciplines her child & I don't think he should be offering advice

3] if he thinks a slap is acceptable, what else does he think is acceptable?

4] I can name 2 cases where the boyfriend killed the child of his girlfriend

If he had threatened to slap the op, would you be saying it was shady then?

It's a massive red flag. I wouldn't be staying with him.

Why did I meet such a guy, and why did it take 6 months to find out what he was like? Perhaps he was being very careful not to reveal his true self? This could have been a slip up, it does sound like he tried to back track when you met him to end it.

Better now op, than a yr or two down the line when SS are involved because he 'slapped' her.

You had luck in that he showed his views early.

You acted on that sign. That took the ability to recognise the sign and the ability to make a decision.

.. Ychromosome (love ya name) have you got a link to that research about child deaths being lower? It sounds a really quite interesting factoid.

If you put "smacking ban child mortality " into Google, it comes up with the Durrant study which examined the link between smacking and parental killing in Sweden. There are also some good links on Action Against Abuse.

Conversely, you can also find a lot of rightwing bollocks justifying smacking as "God's will" or insisting that the Scandinavians aren't innately violent anyway. Tell that to Erik Bloodaxe!

I was slapped as a child. It was awful. The fear and humiliation I felt was indescribable. No physical pain, just humiliation... Please do not do it.

disgracetotheychromosome Thank you. You speak a lot of sense.

Its ironic that as parents, we are taught to protect our children. And, then 'some' say oh a little slap won't hurt. You've go to teach them who's boss early on. And, oh your being too soft. It never hurt me.

Well, how come then, when we become adults, we are punished by law for slapping, when we behave as we were taught as children???

It just doesn't make sense to me??

I don't and won't have my lo fearing me. Fearing that she will be slapped if she steps out of line. I want my lo to love and respect me. I want my lo to grow up knowing she is loved and that I've protected her as best as I can. I've imparted my wisdom onto her, and done all I can to teach her how to be safe in the world.

Parenting is the most challenging, but rewarding job, and I'm learning new things every day. But, first and foremost, my lo will grow up with love and kindness. I'm not perfect, and I do make mistakes, but I'm not too proud to say I'm sorry, I was wrong, forgive me. Its all a learning curve, and one that I'm thoroughly enjoying.

Thanks solitude.

One of the rewards for not beating DD was last night: "Daddy, you're just like my girlfriends; I can tell you anything. Of course my girlfriends aren't fat and bald". I laughed until things fell out of my nose.

Note the lack of fear there.

You are doing just fine At this parenting lark OP. Even though dd is only 17 months, you have just pulled off some powerful role-modelling for her.

Thank you! Aww sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. And lol at stuff coming out of your nose!

I've not heard from ex, and haven't once felt like contacting him. I just have to look at dd and know I love her too much to put her and me in harms way.

I have a 17 month old daughter, she is wilful and stubborn and everything you should be at that age. She is developing and learning and a huge pain and so funny at the same time. She has just stopped being a baby and turning into a wee toddler, if anyone suggested I hurt her for behaving exactly how she should for her age I think I would hurt them instead. Well done OP for getting rid of this person from your daughter's life. He was not kidding and yes he did mean that you should slap that precious child you love.

I was perfectly happy with smacking my dd, but she is totally against smacking my dgd, who is almost the same age as your dd. At this stage, seeing my how dgd is, I cannot imagine anyone smacking or slapping her. You did totally the right thing, OP, and you should be proud of yourself. You have your priorities in the right place.

I think you did the right thing, that is a very risky thing for a potential step parent to think/say.

Thank you everyone for all your comments and words of support. I've had a great day with lo today. And keep looking at her and thinking how could he suggest to smack her. One post said about children being killed by step-parents. That made me cry, and really scared me.

solitude don't get worried. there are probably hundreds of thousands of step parents in the Uk and the number of severe situations is relatively very small.

You instincts served you well. Trust them. There will be someone out there who will be a true partner to you and good parent to your little one, somewhere =)