Slap her - your too soft

[solitudehappiness]

Been in a new r/s for just over six months. My lo is 17 months old. R/s is going well, and lo likes him.
But, we went for lunch a few days ago, and lo was getting bored and wanted to draw. Whilst waiting for waiter to bring paper, bf ripped a bit of the disposable tablecloth for lo to draw on.
Lo was getting more bored, and was hungry too, so not a good combination. She pulled the tablecloth, almost knocking stuff onto the floor.
Bf said I'm too soft on her and that if I'd slapped her she wouldn't have done it again and would have learnt not to do it! Said he was beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm. Yes, I was beaten as a child too, and swore I'd never beat my own children.
I totally and utterly disagreed, and told him so. Agreed that we'll never agree on the subject.
But, its left me feeling do I want to be in a r/s with someone who feels this way about raising children.

Glad you've seen him in his true colours. You'd never have been able to trust him with your DC.

So he did actually mean thorough beatings from his mother, not just a once in a blue moon slap on the legs when he pushed the boundaries too far! I got the very occasional slap as a child when I was acting up. They were last resort type of rare and I was certainly never beaten.

I'm not getting into the why and wherefore of the smacking or anti-smacking debate any further than that though.

This man claims that the beatings from his mother did him no harm, but he is clearly demonstrating that the opposite is in fact true. The lesson he took from his mum was that it is normal and not harmful to actually BEAT a child, even if said child is still pretty much a baby and probably copying his own action (ripping the piece from the tablecloth). In that case then a 17 month old probably wouldn't have a clue what it was they were supposed to have done wrong anyway.

Really don't get the big deal about a little slap. I know it isn't the popular answer, but we got the odd smack as kids. It was effective for stopping naughty behaviour. The world has gone PC mad!!

Fuck him off, definitely. Good luck.

it is not 'politically correct' to not want to hit your child. It is simply a different point of view and parenting philosophy from the 'hit them it's fine it teaches them' pov

You're doing the right thing, OP. This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me too. As others have said, sounds like it will be a lucky escape from having to deal with his mother as well.

Bluebelle, I disagree. A 17 month old will not connect the slap with her mistake (and this WAS a mistake, as PP said, she was copying the BF ripping the tablecloth).

I was smacked as a child too and all it taught me was that my mother was untrustworthy and sometimes frightening. As I got older it became clear that the smacking was more about venting her anger than imparting any lessons about behaviour to me.

Ultimately, it made me respect her less and, as an older child, did not act as a deterrent because, what was she going to do? Hit me again? Whatever.

That's why I never have and never will raise a hand to my dc and I feel OP is right to be wary of someone who would.

and the point is not even whether a parent chooses to, it is that this man, who is not the father of the child and who has only been a boyfriend to the mother of the child for a matter of months, is telling her to hit her child and criticising her as a parent for not wanting to, and disclosing that he was beaten (note beaten, not slapped, beaten) as a child and he thinks that's ok.

very very different from the view that some hold that a parent 'tapping' their child as part of discipline is ok.

Be prepared for him to make all sorts of promises in order to get you to change your mind. Remember he has shown you who he is already.

And not just 'beaten' either, but 'severely beaten'.

Good heavens, OP. So glad you've decided to end this. Because a man who advocates smacking, beating or severely beating a child would very likely be smacking and severely beating not only your little baby but you as well, given time.

Well done for being strong, and good luck with your life.

I agree with a PP. If he ripped a bit of the paper tablecloth off for her to draw on, she was probably copying him!

Hope it goes well. Dumping him is the right thing to do - no question.

Vivacia's point is very interesting - that he has to see a beating as being OK, either that or reject his mother. Makes sense, sadly.

Do people really say "The world has gone PC mad"? Not just as satire?

Really don't get the big deal about a little slap.

You could go and find a thread about a parent giving their child a slap and your post would at least be relevant there.

I was beaten as a child and it made me dangerous.

Like this chap will be once his feet are properly under the table.

Oops. RTFT fail. Good on you OP.

And Bluebell

if someone said that, my motherly instincts would've made me leave him on the spot.
Whether he still thinks his abusive mother is fantastic, he's been abused. If he thinks YOUR child should be abused in the same way, he can get lost.

whether you agree with slapping or not isn't actually the matter of concern here.

what IS beyond out of fucking order is that a bloke you've known for a matter of months thinks he is in anyway entitled to state any opinion with regard to (a) your parenting, and (b) anything to do with your child.

you're going to end it, and that my love is the best decision you have ever made wrt this bloke.

how many times has he even met your lo? if you've been with him for 5m? he's a very nasty and shitty man.

Really hope it's going OK, OP.

Not sure why the face, disgrace? Big difference between a slap and a belting.

Ok, ended the r/s. Felt quite shitty doing it.
Really annoyed me though, that he said he'd been joking about me being too soft with my lo and slapping her. Didn't see the funny side to that at all. He also said he'd never slap lo. And he was horrified that I thought he might, or would do it when I wasn't there.
All extremely confusing, and as I said to him, its not something to joke about at all.
He cried, which made it worse, not wailing, but I could see tears running down his face, which he was embarrassed about and quickly wiped away.
Strangely as we parted, he said he'd see me again. When I asked him what makes him think he'll see me again, he just said I think I will.???
Uh, no, you won't.
Not feeling too good at the moment. Know I've made the right decision, but wtf?? Why did I meet such a guy, and why did it take 6 months to find out what he was like?

6 months is a fairly short time in which to suss a guy out, you obviously have good instincts.

The "I'll see you again" thing sounds quite threatening. He sounds like a guy who targets single mums and believes you'll get desperate and come crawling back.

Your instincts continue to be great - yes indeed how presumptuous of him to say he would be seeing you again when you have just told him it's over.

6 months is not too long at all to have seen through him. You have done very well to find out this fundamental problem so quickly. You can be proud of yourself, really.

Yes, 6 months meant that, if he is abusive underneath, then he was starting to feel comfortable enough within the relationship to let the "mask" slip a little.

If he isn't abusive (and you can't possible know at this stage) then it's just that the situation never arose before where discipline became a topic.

I don't much like his "I'll see you again" either - could just be a "you'll be back, you'll miss me too much" sort of comment, or again, could be more sinister.

Well done anyway - hope you have a glass of and some or equally nice food!

Well done. And for those saying a little slap here and there......the OP's child is 17m old! Totally not acceptable.....

the OP's child is 17m old! Totally not acceptable

It is NEVER acceptable.