Slap her - your too soft

[solitudehappiness]

Been in a new r/s for just over six months. My lo is 17 months old. R/s is going well, and lo likes him.
But, we went for lunch a few days ago, and lo was getting bored and wanted to draw. Whilst waiting for waiter to bring paper, bf ripped a bit of the disposable tablecloth for lo to draw on.
Lo was getting more bored, and was hungry too, so not a good combination. She pulled the tablecloth, almost knocking stuff onto the floor.
Bf said I'm too soft on her and that if I'd slapped her she wouldn't have done it again and would have learnt not to do it! Said he was beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm. Yes, I was beaten as a child too, and swore I'd never beat my own children.
I totally and utterly disagreed, and told him so. Agreed that we'll never agree on the subject.
But, its left me feeling do I want to be in a r/s with someone who feels this way about raising children.

If you had slapped her for this, as she was tired, she would have just screamed the place down and ruined your (and everyone else's) day. And next time, she would have gone for it, because there is something satisfying in annoying people then getting a reason to scream the place down when you are overtired and very young. Complete waste of time.

If he can't realise this, he is not a keeper.

And if this has put you off him, I would trust your gut feeling. There are probably other things that have been niggling you.

Alarm bells.

Even if he agrees with physical discipline a) she is a BABY, it would be totally inappropriate and she wouldn't understand it and b) she IS NOT HIS CHILD.

If you were much further down the line in the relationship and your child was older...and he had some opinions on your discipline tactics that he wanted to raised in a mature and calm fashion...maybe you could take them on board.

But at this stage, blurting out at a restaurant that you should slap your baby?! He sounds ghastly and I would be worried about his attitude.

I'm sorry this hasn't worked out as you may have hoped, OP.
But you can be proud of yourself for knowing your own standards, your own values, and sticking by them.

Exactly, of course she was bored! And he'd shown her how to rip off a piece of tablecloth - she was probably copying him! This man clearly has a lot to learn about childcare - fair enough, if he's not a father (?), but this makes it even more of a cheek for him to tell you what to do.

This must be so disappointing if the relationship was going well. Good thing it's come out now, but disappointing. Hope you find someone who's a better match soon.

If a bf said this to me he'd be out the door.

I just know we wouldn't be compatible, even if he later claimed he wasn't serious.

It's just a dumbass thing to say.

If anyone wanted to slap / advised me to slap / mentioned slapping my DS then they'd be out of my door.

You don't need to have a 'good' reason to get out of a relationship as new as this, you can just walk away. However, bringing up children with a partner is ridiculously stressful if you don't agree on basic things like discipline, until you meet someone who shares your views, you're better off being single. There are lots of perfectly decent men who don't think that slapping children this young is acceptable.

The tablecloth situation/conversation is concerning enough - that he sees the answer as dishing out discipline rather than figuring out what else you can do to keep her amused. She's 17 months old. She 'almost' knocked stuff onto the floor - so actually all she did was pull the table cloth. "No" followed by a distraction for something like this, surely?

His general outlook is much more worrying though. Beating a child is not ok. Walk away.

His mother severely best him! No way, that's physical abuse.

That means she agrees with it, he agrees with it and he is blind to the damage it does.

Imagine what he would do if you weren't there? It's scary isn't it. Don't take the risk.

He would just refer to the parenting methods he was taught growing up.

Agree with you all. My lo comes first and always will. I felt in my heart that the r/s was over when he'd said that. My poor little babba. I'd never in a million years have slapped her. Yes, I'm too soft, IN YOUR OPINION mister!!!

Have arranged to meet him after he finishes work and will end it.

Feeling quite sad and good about myself at the same time. But, ultimately, I know I'm doing whats best for me and my daughter.

Thank you for all your comments.

A slap is entirely different to a beating.

Slap? Well, I was slapped occasionally, I slapped my son occasionally, I personally think it may have a place in discipline sometimes as a final resort.

However

I don't think it's ever ok to slap such a young child for being fidgetty and hungry.
I don't think it's ever ok to tell a parent what discipline methods they should use with their child.

And I absolutely wouldn't let anyone who thinks a beating is acceptable near my child, ever.

Maybe suggest that he try counselling? Not that he'll listen, probably... he thinks he's fine.

Best of luck Solitude, with your strength, you'll be just fine

6 months in and he's already criticising you and your parenting, and advocating that you hit your daughter? Em, dump, immediately.

This is a massive warning, and if you ignored it you will regret it.

I know you have decided already, but he is advocating violence to a baby. And criticising you into the bargain.

You've made the right call

Be careful this evening. Rationalising such behaviour may be the only way he has of coming to terms with how his mum treated him and of maintaining a relationship with her as an adult.

I feel weirdly very proud of you and your decision.

As someone who had a very violent parent, I think you are making the right decision for your family. Long term this would always be an issue and in my experience the person who condones violence as a punishment will always act on it.

Well done OP for putting your daughter and her welfare first. Some people do not.

Thanks everyone. We're meeting in a public place after he has finished work. I'm going to make it short and sweet, and try and be as kind as possible. BUT, he wanted me to slap my baby FFS! How dare he dictate to me, and to be violent too. And the fact the clearly doesn't feel the same as me is an indicator of how different we are.

Good luck solitude. I hope it goes well. Don't be snowed by promises that he's "not like that" and "you're overreacting."

Slapping a 17m old child? Good lord no!

You don't need to be kind, and you don't need to explain yourself. A factual "I've decided this relationship is not working for me" is truthful, and he cannot gainsay it (since you're not giving him justifications to contest).

You will be fine, however you handle it.

for what its worth I'd never be in a relationship with someone where its been made clear I couldn't trust them alone with my dc. even if he doesn't slap "your" dc, I would be worried it would be an issue trusting him with "our" dc in the future.

wouldn't waste anymore time with this one. good luck.

Goats is right - don't get wrapped up in "being kind." Just state that you want to end the relationship, you don't need to explain yourself.

For some reason I'm quite relieved to hear you're going to be ending it.

the combination of 'i was severely beaten as a child and it did me no harm and I'm very close with my mother' (to combine the two sentances) makes the hairs on my neck quiver

Except clearly it did

You are making the right decision OP