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Original poster

What would you think if your Fiance confessed to cheating on his first wife?

76 replies

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 12:38

This is a question for my a friend who was recently engaged and her fiance has come out with a confession that he wasn't faithful to his first wife.

I am good friends with her fiance and have known him for 3 years since they met and he seems like a lovely man, gentle natured and seems to dote on my friend.

He loved his first wife as much as he says he loves my friend and they divorced after 13 years of marriage because they "grew apart" and as far as I know the ex wife instigated the divorce an they are still good friends.

I'm really taken aback that he has just made this confession to my friend and I am worried for her. He said he told her because he didn't want any secrets between them.

The cheating was always one night stands. Some opportunistic, some planned and some with prostitutes and there was 17 incidents over 15 years together which went on from the first year to the last year. He has never told his ex wife and she is still in the dark but I was particularly horrified that his best friend and brother were also "in on it" and that several friends know about it and even helped cover up for him.

I like this man and feel like he loves my friend, but he freely admits he loved his ex wife just as much and I am concerned about the capability of a person to lie like that to someone they claim to love.

His reasoning behind it was that they had a lacklustre sex life.

What do you all think of this? My friend had a terrible situation with her ex partner and she deserves to marry someone she can trust and who will treat her right.

What does this say about this man's character deep down? Am I over-reacting and what should I advise her? She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life.

OP posts:
rb32 · 19/11/2014 13:57

Paisley, maybe thats why he's had to admit all these things. And don't be so nieve, everyone is capable of doing those things.

JoanHickson · 19/11/2014 13:57

She will never feel she can refuse sexlife or trust him.

Original poster
PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:58

Yes, it is my friend. If you look my other posts up I joined a little while ago due to my own marriage problems with y H trying to get me to take him back after he left me.

If I seem to be taking this personally it is probably because I was betrayed in the extreme by my own H and feel really worried my friend will go through the same.

I also thought my H was the good type of guy who would never do anything bad and I am honestly starting to believe no good human being exist anymore.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 14:04

No worries OP, I have a friend who has made repeated bad decisions about men and I've spent far too much of my life worrying about her.

I think good human beings exist, but you can't tell which men will cheat until it happens. Although prior history of serial cheating is a massive clue...

AnyFucker · 19/11/2014 14:09

OK, just checking Smile

Original poster
PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 14:14

I think I don't want to see anyone I care about hurt like I was. It makes it hard for me as he was there when my ex was being a complete bastard (he helped me move out etc. and told me my ex was not a real man) and I remember thinking how nice it was that good guys still existed.

Maybe I feel personally disappointed to discover that he is just as if not more, flawed than my ex was and I feel angry about it being kept secret for so long.

She's actually quite a tough cookie. I might be one of those bitter people who is angry at everyone, but I just can't understand why people are so untrustworthy.

If I wasn't satisfied with my sex life, I'd just tell the person!!!

OP posts:
JoanHickson · 19/11/2014 14:17

I think you need to focus on you now. They are walking down the Isle I formed. You can say to your friend you back her and be there to mop it up or book a holiday to clash with the wedding and focus on you.

Original poster
PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 14:23

Right, I'll butt my nose out, go and enjoy my day off and accept this isn't really my problem but thanks for the comments that most of you think this is a bit abnormal. I'm confused over whey she seems to think it's a good thing, but we are all stupid when we're in love. Kleenex at the ready and I'll just try and support her in whatever choices she makes.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 14:30

If were me, I would share all my concerns, and if she carries on regardless that's up to her.

My sister married a fool, and now that things are going wrong I'm glad I said what I did at the time, because I don't have to feel responsible that I could have flagged stuff with her and didn't. I did everything I could.

Maybe that's selfish I don't know, but it's a heap better than feeling guilty!

Itsfab · 19/11/2014 14:38

If she falls for the you are so much better, what we have is so special, we are meant to be bollocks then she is a naïve person.

If she decided to leave and he would never have cheated on her then it isn't a real loss given she will meet someone else. There is more than one person for us all.

If she stays and he cheats then she will be devastated and he has his Get Out Of Adultery Jail card as she knew what he was like Hmm.

It might be loves young dream but I doubt it given he is already spouting The Script.

IrianofWay · 19/11/2014 14:38

"Also willing to allow his wife who he claims to have loved to bits to be humiliated behind her back?"

Quite Hmm

APlaceInTheWinter · 19/11/2014 14:51

It's a disaster waiting to happen. He's telling her so that when he inevitably cheats, he can say she knew what he was like. He's also already laying the groundwork for her being suspicious when he is with the people who facilitated his previous cheating; and he can say she condoned his previous cheating hence she thinks it is justified in certain circumstances.

Could you possibly persuade her to get an STI check? It's so prosaic and practical, it might jerk her out of her romantic deluded he trusts me so much he told me he sees marriage as a recipe for cheating attitude Hmm

The other possibility is to persuade her to attend pre-marital counselling sessions. You could maybe sell it to her as a way of cementing their relationship and showing their commitment to making this relationship different from their previous ones. Hopefully sitting down in front of a counsellor and discussing his extra-marital sex would shine a light on how fucked up this all is.

I don't envy you. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion Thanks

Original poster
PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 14:54

I will share my concerns with her. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have, but I think it'd be wrong not to. She is the type of person who won't get angry with me for speaking my mind, but she'll still do whatever she wants.

I've met his ex wife and she seems like a nice person and she's Mum to his kids. It makes me really angry that she will go her whole life without knowing the truth about her marriage.

Not my place to get involved though, I think I just feel a lot of sympathy for his ex wife along with fears for my friend. It might be that he's reformed, I just can't respect or like him much after this.

OP posts:
Windywinston · 19/11/2014 14:58

You can't choose your friends' partners, all you can do is voice your concerns and let them make their own decisions, then be there if they get hurt.

I'm sure if your friend is a reasonable person, she'll take your talking to her about your concerns in the spirit in which it is intended.

APlaceInTheWinter · 19/11/2014 15:09

There is something insidious about him admitting it to your friend, when he hasn't admitted it to his ex-wife. It makes your friend complicit and creates a wedge between her and his ex-wife. It's very unpleasant behaviour.

SunbathingCat · 19/11/2014 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 15:30

I agree Winter, his ethics are all over the place.

In the friend's position I would feel obliged to tell the ex.

Mom2K · 19/11/2014 17:21

So his misogynisitic use of prostitutes is because his sex life with his ex wasn't great?

She needs to LTB. He has a problem, and it isn't going to end with her.

Mom2K · 19/11/2014 17:26

I doubt he's reformed, or he would (in his confession) be taking the blame for the fact that he had an issue that he has now conquered (through legitimate means like counseling etc). He would not be blaming it on a poor sex life.

If that is his true reason, then what happens when your friend has children and can't have sex for a few weeks after birth? Or if she gets sick? Or is just too tired occasionally? He obviously feels entitled to get it somewhere else. There's no reformation in what he's said, at all.

MonstrousRatbag · 19/11/2014 17:27

He's not reformed. He is still deceiving his ex-wife. She would very probably not be on friendly terms with him if she knew what he had done. He is continuing to keep it from her, knowing she feels guilty about leaving him, so he can have a friendship and be the good guy. He sounds manipulative and just very unsound.

Original poster
PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 18:10

I agree

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 18:21

He's also deceived the OP's friend all the way through their relationship. He may not have lied outright, but he not share the truth about his past until she was so in love with him she didn't care, which he may have banked on from the start.

A female friend of mine didn't tell her partner she couldn't have kids until he was in love with her, it didn't end well. Deceptions rarely do.

WannaBe · 19/11/2014 18:21

IMO the key here is timing.

If he'd been up front with her from the outset then perhaps it could be argued that he has been honest with her and they'd entered into and progressed with a relationship from the outset. She could then have decided from the beginning whether this revellation was a dealbreaker for her or not. But they have been together for three years. In that time he has got to know her, they have fallen in love, has asked her for a commitment and only then has he decided to be up-front about his past.

On that basis there is no way I would continue with the relationship.

Tbh, seven one night stands with different women and prostitutes would be a dealbreaker for me even as a confession at the beginning whereas a one off affair with regret wouldn't (people have affairs, the world isn't black and white). But after three years what would be the dealbreaker would be the withholding of information until I was well and truly committed.

VanitasVanitatum · 19/11/2014 18:23

Paying for sex would just absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I could not marry someone who would think that was ok.

Isetan · 20/11/2014 08:07

He treated his Ex wife with such contempt. For all her tough cookieness, there's something quite insecure about someone who believes that their love vagina has the power to stop another individual cheating.

My empathy lies with the Ex wife, as she is the one who appears to be in the dark as to the creep she was married to and is still friends with.