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Relationships

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Original poster

What would you think if your Fiance confessed to cheating on his first wife?

76 replies

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 12:38

This is a question for my a friend who was recently engaged and her fiance has come out with a confession that he wasn't faithful to his first wife.

I am good friends with her fiance and have known him for 3 years since they met and he seems like a lovely man, gentle natured and seems to dote on my friend.

He loved his first wife as much as he says he loves my friend and they divorced after 13 years of marriage because they "grew apart" and as far as I know the ex wife instigated the divorce an they are still good friends.

I'm really taken aback that he has just made this confession to my friend and I am worried for her. He said he told her because he didn't want any secrets between them.

The cheating was always one night stands. Some opportunistic, some planned and some with prostitutes and there was 17 incidents over 15 years together which went on from the first year to the last year. He has never told his ex wife and she is still in the dark but I was particularly horrified that his best friend and brother were also "in on it" and that several friends know about it and even helped cover up for him.

I like this man and feel like he loves my friend, but he freely admits he loved his ex wife just as much and I am concerned about the capability of a person to lie like that to someone they claim to love.

His reasoning behind it was that they had a lacklustre sex life.

What do you all think of this? My friend had a terrible situation with her ex partner and she deserves to marry someone she can trust and who will treat her right.

What does this say about this man's character deep down? Am I over-reacting and what should I advise her? She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 13:20

I wonder if his wife would tell the same story though. We don't even know if what he says is true. They may have had a perfectly normal sex life and he just fancied a bit on the side.

The fact that he never told his ex that he cheated on her revolts me because some STIs have serious long term consequences if untreated. That's a double betrayal.

Would she be so chummy with him now if she new? I doubt it.

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:20

I think what I am getting at is that even if he never cheats on my friends (I admit my friend is very highly sexed) and it might be that she keeps him satisfied...is it not also worrying that he has proved himself capable of high level deception of someone he claims to deeply love? Also of being unable to communicate with his spouse over important issues? Also willing to allow his wife who he claims to have loved to bits to be humiliated behind her back? What I mean is.......does this not say VOLUMES about his character and that maybe he is likely to be selfish in other ways? Is this the type of man that would stick with you through good and bad times?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2014 13:20

'MORE special'....

Oh dear. It's the old 'You're so much more wonderful than that joyless bitch I used to be married to'... 'my ex wife didn't understand me' trap.... Dressed up a little, I'll grant you, but it's a big old red flag.

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:21

Twinklestein I can't understand how a human being lives with that level of guilt.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/11/2014 13:21

What Twink said.
Also, very generous of him , to reveal this before the wedding. He chose his timing to tell her after being engaged...why didn't he tell her before the engagement? Because it would have been easier for her to walk away then. He is manipulating her and betting on the wedding/honeymoon gilding will be enough of a distraction to over ride rational consideration.

I would advise her to skip the divorce and not marry him; or become financially dependent on him, or have children with him, or have unprotected sex with him.

Has she had a STI check yet? The information he gave her indicates she needs one.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 13:23

If he's so into not having secrets why wait 3 years to tell her?

Is he going to prove his new open stance by telling his ex-wife he cheated?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2014 13:23

I think that's the wrong interpretation about his character. Some people are capable of cheating on one partner but being faithful to another. Shit happens.... people make mistakes. What speaks volumes is that he believes it's perfectly OK to dump this confession of repeated sleaziness on your friend and dress it up as some kind of tribute to her! That's just twisted.

FrancisdeSales · 19/11/2014 13:26

I agree with Cognito. I think he's testing the waters and letting her know what to expect, so that it's clear that if he cheats it's her fault. Also he has a whole structure of friends and family who are complicit in this and obviously have certainly enabled his behavior. It sounds like a nightmare to me. Definitely not husband material. I'd be wondering what he's been up to the past 3 years. If he was unfaithful for his entire marriage why would that change for a 3 year period? Vows mean nothing to this man or his mates/family - she's walking into disaster and heartbreak if she gets married.

I'd love to hear the EX-W's version!

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 13:31

It doesn't sound like he has any guilt OP...

littlemslazybones · 19/11/2014 13:32

I think that people can change but that they generally don't, not in the long run. So although on a theoretical level I think there is a chance this relationship could be different, I wouldn't personally take that risk. Not only has he cheated but he has shown a lot of calculated deception, has demonstrated a support network to facilitate it and has a reckless disregard for the health of his partner by having unprotected sex. That's a lot of character flaws to change.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 13:39

I think it's possible to cheat on one person and not do it again. But that's more likely to take the form of being unfaithful, regretting it and never doing it again. Whereas this guy cheated periodically all the way through his marriage and still doesn't seem to be that repentant. Rather than take responsibility he blames his sex life and the fact his ex was difficult to talk to!

The friend is never going to know if he'll cheat on her too and I wouldn't want to live with that uncertainty.

FrancisdeSales · 19/11/2014 13:39

Also this bloke is saying he loved his ex and would therefore still be married to her and still be cheating if she hadn't divorced him.

I think he just expects to repeat the set-up. That's marriage to him.

molesbreath · 19/11/2014 13:43

Golly this guy would have to be amazing for me to trust him for the rest of my life.

I know everyone deserves a second chance and all that… but blimey … not sure i could cope with all that baggage.

Windywinston · 19/11/2014 13:44

Someone doesn't seek out threesomes with prostitutes because sex with his wife is lacklustre.

This man clearly has a high sex drive and is into more than just plain vanilla. What happens when he gets bored of her or they have children.

Sorry, I couldn't marry a man who treated a woman he professed to love like that.

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:45

Also this bloke is saying he loved his ex and would therefore still be married to her and still be cheating if she hadn't divorced him.

Exactly! And if he had stopped cheating he'd have still been putting his head on the pillow every night with a woman he'd betrayed multiple times with pre-meditation and sneaky tricks to get away with it!

OP posts:

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:46

I suppose what I am really worried about her is that this man might have a very diferrent idea of what "love" means to what I do, and that could translate itself into all sorts of problems later on.

What will he be like for example if she got fat? Or old? Or ill? Or if they had money problems? Or kids?

I just can't see that he has the basic tenets of character. Integrity, loyalty, honesty, commitment?

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 19/11/2014 13:48

They married at 18? And he started cheating on her pretty much straight away because of a crappy sex life. Doesn't seem a very likely story. Nice excuse, though.

If someone wanted to pile this shit on me at the least I'd be looking for remorse and some self awareness and as someone else said "growth". I might be able to trust someone under those circumstances if the cheating was one off or similiar.

In no circumstances would I trust a serial cheat. I'm not saying someone cant change, maybe he has, but I wouldn't trust them...and it's pretty miserable and useless being with someone who you don't trust.

I think you might need to be there for her in the future to pick up the pieces, I'm afraid...

AnyFucker · 19/11/2014 13:48

I would think that this man has cultivated a culture of cheating within himself and those surrounding him

I think that men who pay for sex are cunts and would never stay with one if I found out

I think your friend is going to feel the to keep up the pressure of the Pick Me Dance constantly and that ultimately it will demean her

AnyFucker · 19/11/2014 13:49

feel the need

Twinklestein · 19/11/2014 13:50

She'll have to stay slim, fit, young-looking, and up for it for the rest of her life, and even then he may cheat because he fancies a threesome.

MonstrousRatbag · 19/11/2014 13:50

Long-term, organised cheating done with the help of others, sometimes involving prostitutes and blamed on the lack of sex life in the marriage?

If I were your friend I would break it off immediately, sorry. he sounds like a man with fundamentally iffy ideas about women and relationships who probably would not be constant or supportive in hard times (or perhaps he would, but he'd reward himself with a quick visit to a prostitute after telling your friend he was going to football with his brother).

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:52

The funny thing is, my friend is really unusually attractive and he is nothing to look at. He fawns on her like she is his living dream come to life. She is also adventurous in bed with a high sex drive so perhaps she might well be his perfect woman.

I am just worried she is marrying a man without character, and I think maybe he is disguising a black heart under a nice guy facade.

He is the anti-christ of her alcoholic, abusive ex and he is kind to her, loving, would do anything for her and I think she is blind to what a big problem these confessions are.

I really don't want to see her get hurt, but you're right, she won't break it off. She thinks he's her soulmate!

OP posts:

rb32 · 19/11/2014 13:52

Or.......

Maybe he's realised it was wrong. Maybe he wants to get it all out in the open so that there are no skeletons in his closet. Maybe he has actually changed with no intentions of ever doing that again.

Whether his fiance thinks about this is up to her, but the fact he's told her isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Or put it another way, if OP's friend had come on here two years down the line saying 'I've just found out my husband of two years cheated on his ex lots even with prostitutes, why didn't he tell me?' then surely you'd all be saying that he should have told her so she could decide what to do before getting married!

AnyFucker · 19/11/2014 13:53

OP, is this really about your "friend" ?

Original poster

PaisleySheets · 19/11/2014 13:55

Maybe he's realised it was wrong. Maybe he wants to get it all out in the open so that there are no skeletons in his closet. Maybe he has actually changed with no intentions of ever doing that again.

This is what she thinks, but I have been married and not in a million years could I have betrayed H like that, even for a day - so regardless of how he has changed and his intentions being honourable now (I bet they are) I am worried of what he is capable of.

I don't think most people would be capable of that. imagine having such big lies inside you from which you keep, and all your mates keep for FIFTEEN YEARS.

My Goodness.......

And his ex wife feels guilty for leaving the marriage!!!!!!

OP posts:

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