Narky NC SiL being weird again.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Am NC with narcissist SiL. It's been lovely.

She text me yesterday saying 'Happy Birthday' and some bullshit about not having sent a card because she's been so busy and just hasn't had the time.

We've been NC since April. APRIL

WHY is she contacting me? And on my birthday? What kind of freakshow texts just to tell someone they were too busy to post a card? WTF?

Ironically the last conversation we had she ripped me apart for not sending a get well card to MiL who had a cold or summat. My job, clearly. Although DP got a roasting too.

Then she text today to tell me she's posted a gift. WHY? We haven't spoken since APRIL!

She knows this. No contact. I've blocked her calls, blocked her on FB, ignored and deleted all texts.

Has she just forgotten how she treated me? Has it escaped her teeny mind? Does she think I haven't spoken to her for 7 months because I'm too busy or something??

I don't want her gift. It'll be shit. She buys me utter crap and it depresses me. [Ungrateful Brat Emoticon] Contact hooks, napkins, wire... (seriously). Just don't want it. Can I refuse to sign for it??

I've got a fair bit going on at the moment and I could do with her just fucking off. I'd forgotten about her. What's her issue?

Good point. Shame to let chocolate go to waste!

These "NC" threads confuse me - does she know you have done this, have you expressly said to her "I am refusing all contact with you" because she could just be incredibly thick skinned!

They sound like nice thoughtful presents to me though.

i've noticed narcissists can go the other way with gifting, sometimes they can seem really generous, but only if it serves them or they get something such a praise or validation out of the gifting.

Well done OP. I hope you never set eyes on her again. Merry Christmas! (i would probably re-gift the socks as it would remind me of her every time I saw them and you don't need that, even if you are feeling ok about things).

Oh Attila you just wrote a perfect summary of how my narcissistic mum is with presents. So accurate it made me shudder.

They can be generous – my mum complains if I don't want her to spend lots of money, because the more money she spends, the greater the guilt and control. But the present is always carefully designed to make me feel bad somehow, ignore the preferences I expressed, make me look crap, etc.

Joffrey this is obvious hoovering - she is put out that when you said NC, it turns out you actually meant NC. You weren't actually having a drama queen flounce as part of an ongoing codependence. You actually don't like her and don't want to see her and for a narc that is too much to handle. She is trying to suck you back in with guilt - first making sure you know how much it has cost her to make this effort - then sending a "generous" present - which is loaded with weight projection so actually all about her, and clear signals that she doesn't have any interest in what you want (something she knows you already have).

Think of a narc as the sun with planets orbiting them because that is how they see the world. They need those planets to reflect their own glory back at them. If a planet leaves, the sun feels colder and tries to pull it back – but only to get that reflection back. You, as a planet have no value and no meaning - except in that you hurt her by turning away and she needs to force you to undo that.

No, I never expressly said 'I don't want to see you again' but for several reasons:

Their family often flounce off with each other, decide they're not speaking and then are best buddies a month later. So saying I don't want to see her wouldn't be taken seriously.

Don't see why I should. She bullied me, made me utterly depressed and spoke to me like shit on the phone when I tried to smooth things over. She effectively ended the contact by being too vile to be around/speak to. Not me.

I didn't want 'a drama'. I wanted to shuffle off quietly. I didn't contact her because she's just speak to me like shit again. Why risk it??

It's been 7 months. She claims to be highly intelligent. She'll have worked it out.

Honestly, guys.

It won't work. She won't suck me back. Her sending me those few texts last week plunged me into a depression. She's not coming back.

Even DP doesn't mention her in front of me now. He's seen the pattern.

I'm done.

Much happier now I've blocked her texts.

Oh OP - you missed your opportunity to text back 'who is this?'

Nah, not my style.

Promised myself I wouldn't contact her again after that vile phonecall and that hideous week where she bullied me and DS.

Sticking to that promise.

Might be the first time I've stuck up for myself (albeit very quietly). Makes me feel stronger. I don't put up with shit any more.

well done.

wipsglitter, you would get it if you had a narc hoovering you up. I tried to let a narc know I was not going to communicate or socialise any further and of course all he did was remind me of all my faults, give everything I'd ever done a toxic interpretation, basically he wouldn't accept my right not to associate with him anymore. it was like a court case where he cross examined me and tore apart my reasons for not wanting to talk to him anymore!!! and because he did all of that with a cheerful smile and a laid back shrug and told everybody else how 'fond of me' he was, it made me seem like the cold hard bitch. NOw I see it all clearly. but if you tell a narc you're not seeing them any more then they see it as an invitation to list off all your 'faults' and all the ways you've wronged them.

ps, I think "robbing her of the drama" not announcing the no contact is exactly the right way to go. She has nothing tangible to challenge you over.

Hi I couldn't help but not reply . I've been following your thread and a lot is ringing alarm bells for me in my own situation . I admire you for going NC with your sil .
I've been friends with a girl since school and I have put up with some awful things from her . After doubting myself for so long I took the decision to slowly cut contact with her it's a long process because I know if I go full on NC she will go mad or either cry her eyes to everyone how awful I am . Think she knows at the moment I'm pulling back because I'm getting the hoovering situation . ( I've learned this from here ) she goes on multiple hols a year , she's godmother to my two children but never buy them anything ( I don't expect either ) but this time has requested what to buy and for my son she wants to buy a brand name thing is not so long ago she asked me about this brand and I said he's not into it but hey here she is she's buying it for him !! I know it's all a gesture of how nice she is !! Loads more I could write a book ! Funny I have gone NC with my mother a long time ago but haven't the guts to deal with the aftermath of this one . She makes me so anxious when she wants to meet up even the phone ringing and her name coming up I dread it .

My own jungle you are so right of "robbing her of the drama " they love it !!!
My so called friend decided she was going to Australia and not going to be my bridesmaid there was no emergency reason why she had to go it was just she wanted to go travelling around Australia at that time .

She makes me so anxious when she wants to meet up even the phone ringing and her name coming up I dread it .

That's it!

That's how I felt. It's HIDEOUS! a normal person doesn't make other people feel like that.

I know I can see it clearly now she always knows better aswell even what's best for everyone !! Always saying what you should be doing .. And an interrogation about things aswell .. Why why why always putting pressure on can't accept the word no ! Anther one form a few weeks ago was a text with pic of two young girls saying psychologists say people who are friends for more than seven years will always be friends that one puzzled me like really even they are treated like shit .. ( sorry for language ) she doesn't fool me anymore

Once you cut a narc out of your life you will feel amazing.

It's incredible. All of the tenseness and anxiety slips away. It's like sliding into a lovely warm bath.

SiL could still call and text until I got my new phone. I used to ignore it but it was like a jagged edge cutting into my happy. Much better with no contact at all.

It is hard. I've been 'hoovered' (didn't work, MNers were hot on that and told me what to do and she attempted the 'flying monkeys'. I've not yet had the savage bitchiness which is apparently the 'final thingy'. Now I've blocked her on my phone it's unlikely to happen.

I read a lot of websites on narcissism. Is an interesting read and very educational.

I wonder what she is after. What is she buttering you up for

I think they thrive on the conflict of power-struggles; they enjoy striving, manoevering and outright shouting in the battle to come out on top of anyone that they come across.

Someone who isn't engaging is slipping away and often can't be allowed to do that without several attempts to get them back into the fray to subjugate them.

I wonder what she is after. What is she buttering you up for.

I expect she wants us to visit for Christmas. Not because she wants to see myself or DS (who back in April told him to his face he wasn't a biological family member), she wants DP.

Also possibly doesn't want to be alone with MiL who she lives with and can be hard work.

And she wants presents. I'm a good and generous present shopper. Haven't got her any this year. DP can do it if he's that bothered.

I invited MiL down for the week on DP's birthday. Got a text back from SiL saying that MiL didn't want to visit us, MiL wanted us to go down there for reasons I've forgotten. I rather suspect that MiL never even saw the text. I reckon it was deleted before MiL even saw it.

what is flying monkeys kingjoffreys?

Hang on, she told your DS he wasn't biologically family?

WTF? How old is he? Did he know? And again, WTF???

Do you have plans for Xmas. I would be incredibly busy if I were you.

A 'flying monkey' is the person that His/Her Narkyness gets to call/speak to you and say, "Why aren't you speaking to Narky? Narky is sooooo upset. And Narky is soooo lovely how could you possibly not totally adore him/her."

WTF? How old is he? Did he know? And again, WTF???

Yes, he does know. But it's mentioned sensitively and discreetly. Not dropped like a bombshell in the back of our car mere minutes after we'd picked her up.

He's 11. He was gutted. He doesn't want to see her again.

She slipped it into conversation but was obvious she was planning to say it. DP didn't hear it, she was careful. Her whole trip was designed to send me into a spiral of depression (I'd recently recovered from a nervous breakdown).

does you DP know she said that?

That's a hell of a dealbreaker. Unforgiveable, the way it was done. As you say, it's something to be handled with sensitivity.