I don't find my DP attractive anymore

[freshlycutgrass]

In a nut shell, after several years I've come to realise I no longer find my DP sexually attractive and it's making me so sad.

I'm a very sexual person and a passionate frequent sex life is extremely important to me. There's always been a slight mismatch in this department but I've coped, however now I find myself not even wanting to make love anymore as I simply don't get turned on by my DP. I still feel horny on a daily basis, but just not for my DP and I'm ashamed to admit, more often than not I prefer to 'spend time alone' as at least in my brain I can have the exciting and passionate sex I crave.

The chemistry has never been fantastic, but now that the visual turn on element has gone for me, I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. The love is there, but there's a blockage in my brain that prevents me letting go and releasing the sexual pleasure side, often resulting in very mediocre and unsatisfying sex, at least from an emotional point of view and physical side too, sometimes.

Much of it stems from my DP letting themselves go, where I still make a significant effort to keep in shape and look my best. I've tried my best as delicately as possible to make my feelings know without hurting feelings, and I know the message gets across, but nothing happens.

I have to avoid looking at my DP naked as it's more of a turn off than a turn on, which again makes me sad. I know this must mean I'm very shallow, but I can't help the way I feel.

I can't pretend everything is ok, and the severe lack of quality sex is slowly killing the relationship. I guess I just want my DP to me more sexually aware. It's not that I can just ask for more sex, as I know I'd get it, but it wouldn't be the horny, let myself go stuff I want as I can't switch off my disappointed feelings. Also, despite trying, the technique is not very good even after instruction.

Dunno what answers I'm looking for, other than I know I'm not satisfied and really sad that I don't have the passionate feelings I want and feel I should have.

Feeing a bit sick or feeling a bit tired isn't really in the same league as 'putting on 6 stone' though, is it?

I agree stupidity and ignorance isn't very attractive. How many times have you called the Op shallow ?

It isn't shallow to not be attracted to an unattractive person. It's not up to you to decide what other people should find attractive .

Twice? Why? What does that have to do with ignorant & stupid people lumping bad breath and not washing in with being obese? They are not one and the same. There are plenty of non obese people who have bad breath and don't wash and plenty of obese people who don't have bad breath and who do wash.

I'm not sure what you mean about stupid people lumping bad breath / not washing and being obese together . Maybe your referring to my description of an ex ? There was no lumping together , it was a description and it was an accurate description.

I'm perfectly aware that those things occur independently.

When you started sleeping with your partner and realised the sex was not the kind you liked, why did you decide to "cope"? Was it because you thought you could teach someone how to have the kind of sex you wanted, so your partner would one day be up to your standards? Did you indicate to your partner that this was how you felt, or might your partner actually be under the illusion that you always liked sex together as it was? Have you hinted since then that you would actually like a different kind of sex, or might your partner think that, as you were satisfied for some time, that was the kind of sex you liked? In other words, have you been honest? Or is this situation in fact a hole you have dug yourself?

What was stupid and ignorant about the description of my ex chipping ?

He was obese , he didn't wash and he did have bad breath. And it wasn't attractive. What about that is stupid and ignorant ? The way I wrote it ? The fact I didn't find it attractive ?

Blimey, this is hardly a new problem is it? Most relationships are fab at the beginning, with passion tailing off into a more settled pattern. If agony aunts had a quid for all the women wanting advice on how to get the spark back, they'd be millionaires.

The OP was worded in an odd way and this has annoyed people. But fundamentally, this is just the human condition writ large isn't it.

And yyy to the pp who pointed out that when men don't seem bothered about giving women what they want in bed, women are advised to ask for what they want. Wtf is wrong with that.

@ravenmum

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head, but its taken reading your post to make me realise the reality if the situation. Sadly, sex and sexuality in general just isn't anywhere near the same level or priority to DP as myself.

For example, I'd been abroad with work for a couple of weeks and was really looking forwards to getting home for some passion. Nothing. For days.

I was really saddened that my DP didn't gave that build up of lust or desire and couldn't wait to see me again like I imagine would be the case in some other people's relationships.

I feel that they could happily live without lustful sex forever.

Problem now us that because I'm frustrated by the situation, little things that I'd ordinarily not notice if care about are grating on me, like not taking care of their appearance, or wearing nice clothes, or keeping excessive weight off etc. It's the apathy towards me that I guess hurts.

Sorry if my wording has annoyed people, I'm not very good at expressing myself with the written word. If I'm selfish and shallow for feeling the way I do, I guess that makes me what I am. It's not intentional, just maybe a flaw in my intrinsic character.

The thing is, you can feel the way you like as long as you're open about it, so your partner can take it or leave it. It seems like you've not been voicing your thoughts and preferences about sex OR fitness levels, which is hardly your partner's fault, is it? And now it's a bit late to open up, as it wouldn't be so nice to find out now that you actually weren't satisfied all along...

If you don't enjoy sex with your partner as you're not getting the kind of sex you like, then very likely it shows, and your partner is not going to lust after you for that reason; you aren't spontaneous, excited and relaxed either. Maybe your partner has been feeling down lately, either because of the unspoken tension or for some other reason, hence the "excessive" (excess?) weight and lack of interest in dressing up. It's a vicious circle isn't it: dissatisfaction > lack of self-esteem > "letting yourself go" --> more dissatisfaction. In that atmosphere, many people would be happier living without sex as it is not fun.

Your partner might well turn into a sex god/goddess with someone who made them feel that way. Or might be happier with someone with matching preferences. Might have been happier a long time ago if you'd been more open from the start and not let it get this far.

When you say that your feelings are a flaw in your character, do you mean that you are not going to change? Fair enough, but then don't blame your partner for not changing, especially as you haven't provided an opportunity for doing so by explaining what kind of change you were hoping for all along.

Chipping should read the 'AIBU to think comprehension isn't a strong point with some people' thread in classics... Ballerina was clearly referring to her ex, not saying all obese people have bad breath and don't wash! How bizarre!

I don't think you're being selfish OP. Sexual attraction is usually one the major reasons people get together, why should that change once you're a couple? I make a conscious effort to look good for my DP - yes he's seen me sick/tired etc but there's a huge leap between that and not ever making any effort. Massive weight gain or generally being a slob would indicate to me that my DP no longer cared whether I fancied him or not, that in itself would make me re evaluate the relationship (barring any medical issues ofc).

Yep, good communication is your only way to resolution of this situation.

Good luck.