I don't find my DP attractive anymore

[freshlycutgrass]

In a nut shell, after several years I've come to realise I no longer find my DP sexually attractive and it's making me so sad.

I'm a very sexual person and a passionate frequent sex life is extremely important to me. There's always been a slight mismatch in this department but I've coped, however now I find myself not even wanting to make love anymore as I simply don't get turned on by my DP. I still feel horny on a daily basis, but just not for my DP and I'm ashamed to admit, more often than not I prefer to 'spend time alone' as at least in my brain I can have the exciting and passionate sex I crave.

The chemistry has never been fantastic, but now that the visual turn on element has gone for me, I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. The love is there, but there's a blockage in my brain that prevents me letting go and releasing the sexual pleasure side, often resulting in very mediocre and unsatisfying sex, at least from an emotional point of view and physical side too, sometimes.

Much of it stems from my DP letting themselves go, where I still make a significant effort to keep in shape and look my best. I've tried my best as delicately as possible to make my feelings know without hurting feelings, and I know the message gets across, but nothing happens.

I have to avoid looking at my DP naked as it's more of a turn off than a turn on, which again makes me sad. I know this must mean I'm very shallow, but I can't help the way I feel.

I can't pretend everything is ok, and the severe lack of quality sex is slowly killing the relationship. I guess I just want my DP to me more sexually aware. It's not that I can just ask for more sex, as I know I'd get it, but it wouldn't be the horny, let myself go stuff I want as I can't switch off my disappointed feelings. Also, despite trying, the technique is not very good even after instruction.

Dunno what answers I'm looking for, other than I know I'm not satisfied and really sad that I don't have the passionate feelings I want and feel I should have.

Deliberately withholding your sex/orientation always just comes across as a bit wanky tbh. It also implies the people you are asking are homophobic or anti men or whatever and it's not really a great way to approach people now is it?

Your partner really isn't going to show you more desire, need or horniness if you are giving off 'eww I don't fancy you' vibes, which you clearly are.

If they are clean - then I think your obsession with 'putting any effort into their appearance' is very very shallow.

'Have to avoid looking at my dp naked' - my dp is not a paragon of physical perfection, in fact before I met him I wouldn't have thought I could find that body shape attractive, now I can't get enough of him naked. Are you really sure you love your partner? It sounds like it's you falling out of love for other reasons, otherwise surely you could see past the imperfections.

They might be your best friend but are you are theirs? Sounds like you're focussing on your physical satisfaction over their happiness.

Also find the disguising of genders a bit offensive, I'm sure we're capable of avoiding sexist or homophobic bias.

Really? People can choose to withold information surely? I don't understand the opprobrium. Genuinely don't get it.

I really don't care whether the OP is male or female, gay or straight.

Whatever, they're in a relationship with a heavy emphasis on sex, attraction and appearance, which is apparently currently falling apart.

I don't care either and that's totally my point.

I think you are spot on Bad. If my wife was overweight I would still love her but not find her as attractive. I find overweight women a turn off. Load of bollocks to put sex and love together; you don't have to be in love or even in a relationship, to have great sex. As I have post err d before we have an open marriage and are swingers and we have both had great sex with others. (although for me it is even better with my wife).

Chipping - If they are clean - then I think your obsession with 'putting any effort into their appearance' is very very shallow.

Why on earth is this shallow? It's part of being in a relationship.

Also find the disguising of genders a bit offensive, I'm sure we're capable of avoiding sexist or homophobic bias

Really? I would say there are examples of gender bias on here.

I agree not everyone does it, but some people do.

What I find shallow is the underlying narrative of, 'I find my partner quite repulsive to look at but I've tried to teach them how to give me pleasure to improve things'.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not find someone attractive if they have put on a great deal of weight.

When I met DH, he had a 34 inch waist and was in pretty good shape. I fancied him. He can now barely fit into a 42 inch waist and has a huge stomach that bulges over the top. I have no idea what his actual 'waist' measurement it. I find it repulsive. I would never have looked twice at him had he looked like that when we met. He is obese and I don't find that attractive. This isn't putting on a few pounds here and there-he has put on about 5/6 stone.

I am pretty much the same size as when we met. I've had kids and things aren't as pert as they once were but my body shape has not changed beyond all recognition because I eat continually.

If I fancied obese people, I would have married one. I feel irritated and short-changed that I should put up with a man whose stomach is so big, we can barely have sex just because we are married.

letseatgrandma......did he eat grandma?

A mismatch in sexual desire is difficult to deal with.

However, sexual attraction has little to do with 'looks' and whether or not somebody 'has let themselves go' (whatever that means exactly). Maybe they have gone off you??

The most important sexual organ resides between your ears and not your legs.

Good luck with talking through this - that may help. Or not.
Consider psychosexual counselling IF you both want to address this issue.

Definitely not. Thank goodness for punctuation; it saves lives!

However, sexual attraction has little to do with 'looks'

Really, is this true?

Well, I fancy tall, dark haired types with blue eyes.
DH is nothing like that.
Go, figure!

But apart from anecdotes, it is true that as a race we favour certain attributes that indicate 'health' but for different cultures and times that can mean different 'looks'.

Sexual attraction between 2 individuals can wax and wane, but afaik most people experience a levelling off from 'I cannot keep my hands off you' with familiarity

The issue in these things is rarely that one person is 'right' in their sexual desire and the other one is 'wrong', but that they are mismatched.

Woody Allan:
Therapist - How often do you have sex?
She: All the time. At least 3x/week

Therapist: How often do you have sex?
He: Hardly at all. Only 3x/week

Apologies for the straight set-up, but in principle works for all couplings IMO.

When you love someone and decide to stay together for life, anything can happen to either one of you. Illness can strike, requiring a serious operation, or debilitating conditions that bring about disabilities. Ageing occurs and wrinkles appear. Hair goes white. Does this mean that, once the physical perfection has faded or been ravaged by time, one stops loving? And to me, (and my dh) sex is an expression of love. The feeling of total, mutual love means that sex follows as its expression. There are always ways to achieve sexual satisfaction together (and not by issuing instructions!) If one no longer 'fancies' ones partner, I reckon love has died too. If you truly love someone, you don't start looking around for a fitter substitute the moment they lose their attractiveness. My dh and I are absolutely ancient old wrecks to look at, but we still love each other and fancy each other too.

Hatespiders I presume your husband isn't grossly obese , hasn't let himself go , and makes an effort to have sex / be affectionate and presentable.

I'm sick to death of hearing how when you love someone you should find them irresistible. Love doesn't make you blind to a 8 stone weight gain , love doesn't mean it doesn't matter that they don't make an effort sexually and it definitely doesn't mean you should accept it. There's no reason why anyone should tolerate being married to a slob and having a sub standard sex life.

Having been in the ops shoes I don't think it's really about sex or attraction. I think it's about starting to realize your partner is taking you for granted and can't be arsed to make an effort or meet your needs. Some people do this by refusing to pull their weight domestically , others do it by being selfish in some other way. Being a slob and making no effort is exactly the same.

My ex had made an effort to be attractive his whole life. Several years later he became grossly obese . The massive weight gain upset me. Lack of sex upset me. Nothing upset me more than his belief that now we had settled down he no longer had to make an effort and that I should just accept it.

If anyone thinks I'm vile and selfish for dumping my obese ex feel free to inbox me for his details as he's now single. The lack of washing , the bad breath , the issue of being morbidly obese shouldn't be an issue as he's a really kind person. Form an orderly queue.

As much as I love my husband for who he is, would I still find him attractive if he put on a heap of weight and started to look unattractive? maybe not. I would love him, but the sexual attraction would possibly go.

That isn't shallow, you can't force yourself to find someone attractive. I became that way with my ex husband, I just couldn't be intimate with him, and as much as I tried to fix that I couldn't.

I need to be attracted to someone, the nicer they are, the more I love them the more I am attracted to someone, but if they change so much I can't guarantee I will continue to do so. Love and attraction are usually tied up pretty close together, but if my husband became 10 stone overweight would I be as attracted to him? I honestly couldn't say either way for sure.

I assume I will still just be as attracted to my husband when he is old and wrinkly, or by then it won't matter so much, but I can't call anyone shallow for not feeling an attraction to someone who has let themselves go.

How are the sentiments expressed in your OP affecting your DP Freshlycutgrass ? Genuine question.

Being overweight or obese isn't the same as having bad breath or not washing.

Being overweight/obese is generally due to eating too much.

Bad breath can be due to lots of things. Gum disease? Poor dental hygiene? Underlying illness?

Not washing is due to not washing.

They are all very different. I'm not sure what point you are making?

Does it matter what causes these things ? I think most people agree they're not very attractive .

Neither is stupidity or ignorance.

You're shallow, you know this.

"I feel they are also not putting any effort into their appearance"

Why should they? In order to "keep you interested"? You must see how incredibly selfish that is. Their appearance is not about you.

I want my DH to find me attractive. I'm sure there are times when I'm sick and feeling gross, or tired that I'm not... ditto for him, but the constant fear that if I stopped "trying" or didn't look my best at all times is so 50's housewife and something I find really offensive.

You need to stop pretending this is about looks or something they've done, or not done, because it's not. You've fallen out of love with them and sometimes that happens. It could have several reasons, it could have none. Admit you want out and do it as lovingly and kind as possible.