I don't find my DP attractive anymore

[freshlycutgrass]

In a nut shell, after several years I've come to realise I no longer find my DP sexually attractive and it's making me so sad.

I'm a very sexual person and a passionate frequent sex life is extremely important to me. There's always been a slight mismatch in this department but I've coped, however now I find myself not even wanting to make love anymore as I simply don't get turned on by my DP. I still feel horny on a daily basis, but just not for my DP and I'm ashamed to admit, more often than not I prefer to 'spend time alone' as at least in my brain I can have the exciting and passionate sex I crave.

The chemistry has never been fantastic, but now that the visual turn on element has gone for me, I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. The love is there, but there's a blockage in my brain that prevents me letting go and releasing the sexual pleasure side, often resulting in very mediocre and unsatisfying sex, at least from an emotional point of view and physical side too, sometimes.

Much of it stems from my DP letting themselves go, where I still make a significant effort to keep in shape and look my best. I've tried my best as delicately as possible to make my feelings know without hurting feelings, and I know the message gets across, but nothing happens.

I have to avoid looking at my DP naked as it's more of a turn off than a turn on, which again makes me sad. I know this must mean I'm very shallow, but I can't help the way I feel.

I can't pretend everything is ok, and the severe lack of quality sex is slowly killing the relationship. I guess I just want my DP to me more sexually aware. It's not that I can just ask for more sex, as I know I'd get it, but it wouldn't be the horny, let myself go stuff I want as I can't switch off my disappointed feelings. Also, despite trying, the technique is not very good even after instruction.

Dunno what answers I'm looking for, other than I know I'm not satisfied and really sad that I don't have the passionate feelings I want and feel I should have.

This happened to a couple I used to know. She was gorgeous and remained so after children. He slowly piled on about four or five stone and totally let himself go. People would do double takes at them in the street as a couple. She ended the relationship. It was understandable even from a relative stranger's perspective. If you no longer fancy someone the love aspect if the relationship may not be enough, especially when your partner's unhealthy behaviour upsets you on a daily basis.

There's not a lot of love going on in the OP though, despite what they say, badbaldingballerina.

And it is a gendered thing. If we were starting off from the basis that neither men or women were routinely sexually objectified by the opposite sex then I'd agree.

But we aren't. And that's why the OP is being less than honest.

I don't think it matters whether the op/partner is male or female; it could have been written by either, about either. Women maybe routinely objectified, but I still find unappealing men physically offputting. I'd have to find someone attractive on many levels for it to work.

I didn't find my exh particularly physically attractive; it wasn't what brought us together. But 5 stone later, I found him considerably less attractive.

I've put on weight, and I wouldn't expect someone to find me attractive, either. It's why I choose to be single...

I've just reread this thread without the fog of 4am. I suspect the op probably is male and didn't say so to avoid gender bias in the responses.

Either way, I don't think anyone should be cruel about another's appearance, or reject them because they feel they deserve better, but it's unrealistic to tell someone they are wrong for not finding someone sexually attractive.

I have a really good friend. He is a gorgeous person and I would go so far as to say I probably love him. But I don't find him sexually attractive and part of that reason is physical. Am I wrong and shallow too?

And as for the technique business, I read lots of threads on here where the woman is bemoaning the unsatisfactory sexual technique of their partner and they are told to tell their man what they like. Can men not do that too?

Leave the poor man/woman and join a hook up site where you can be as picky and shallow as you like.
Seriously, I couldn't have a relationship without chemistry either but the way you are talking about him/her is really unpleasant. If it was ever good, passionate and what you wanted then your change of feelings is probably linked to a change in the way you feel about them as a person. If it was never the kind of sex you wanted then you should probably have ended it way back if it was that much of a problem.

If you don't want this relationship any more then make moves to separate.

Your P unless they are completely oblivious going to be aware of the under currents going on which will only make them unhappy and turn this into a vicious circle.

Just bare in mind everyone changes with age even the most physically beautiful gets older/saggier etc.

Also they may look good and be a complete wanker personality wise.

If you don't fancy him and you've genuinely done all you can and it's making you unhappy, then leave now. There's no point moralising about it; the whole 'lie back and think of England' mentally is still alive and kicking here I see.

Let me tell you why you should go: you WILL-unless you are a hermit- meet a man who really DOES do it for you one day and you'll have an affair (because men aren't so choosy about a casual sexual encounter as regards how she looks-you could be beautiful, I don't know, but still the truth remains). Or you could meet a guy who loves you and you love him back.

So just go. The only other alternative I can see is that if you have children, you sit down and have an ultra frank talk on how you need another outlet for your frustrations.

If no kids, though, forget this and just go.

Sex is alongside food and shelter as being an essential and life and the drive is incredibly strong. This only stops being the case in later life where two old people may have less sex drive and happy just to kiss and cuddle. But in youngish people; the drive is strong.

I don't think you're "vile" at all op.
I am coming out of a relationship for a number of reasons, but one of them is sexual attraction.

I'm loving reading the differences of opinion from those who think it's a make posting and those who think it's a female...

male*

I dont think you are shallow for having these thoughts although chemistry comes and goes in a long term relationship.Are you sure he is treating you well or are you looking at him through different eyes as the relationship has changed and this is a symptom of that.
I woudnt kiss my DH for yrs as he had bad breath! So hard to get across why i felt like stepping back when he lent in and it took ages for him to make a real effort in the hygiene dept.

The OP is talking about their partner in horrible terms TheHermitCrab, man or woman.

I think it's a male.

People saying 'if you don't find your partner physically actractive, simply leave'. And say goodbye to the kids on your way out ? Maybe see them at weekends ?

Whichever sex they are, it's a cold post. They say their partner turns them off, but they still want the partner to do sex with them according to an instructed technique.

My gut feeling is the OP is male.
And it does make a difference, particularly if there are young children. If the OPs partner has 'let herself go' partly through being pregnant and giving birth, then night feeds etc and the impact that can have on physique then I do think that's pretty disgusting then for her partner to ditch her for physical reasons.
I'm also probably a naive traditionalist but I believe in wedding vows (though the OP may not be married) so for me that reason alone wouldn't be enough to give up on a marriage, of course we don't know whether there are other issues or not.

I don't think it matters whether the op/partner is male or female; it could have been written by either
and carefully crafted to appear so.

Well yes, it could I suppose be one of those opening posts to which posters respond genuinely, and then there is the supposed big gender switch reveal which is meant to make all the foolish women here who have taken the time and trouble to respond realise that they've let themselves down, they've let the world down, and most of all they've let Mumsnet down. Yawn.

I think my opinion on whether the OP is 'vile' or not kind of depends on their definition of 'let go'. Are we talking about half a stone, a few wrinkles and some balding (normal aging), or are we talking about 5 st, no longer washing and generally giving up completely?

I do think both parties in a relationship have a responsibility to take care of themselves for both physical appearance and more importantly health reasons.

If the attraction is no longer there and the DP isn't willing to make any changes then you simply have to decide whether love alone is enough or not. To be blunt if he / she completely 'turns you off' then it sounds like things are probably beyond repair anyway.

I said let the dp go, because they are not loved or valued as anything other than for their looks and ability to follow instructions in the bedroom, to enable op have the sexlife op wants.

If someone puts on five stones and stops washing they are likely depressed, if their dp can't see that they should let their dp go.

The OP is talking about their partner in horrible terms TheHermitCrab, man or woman. And all the other similar posts.

I know this, I completely agree, male or female they should be given the same answer. Which from me would be.

"You obviously need to be attracted to your partner on some level, but a relationship should be much more than than, and much deeper, therefore there must be more to work on than looks and sex alone, but obviously a relationship with no attraction is not going to work"

That's just my opinion above.

It was just interesting to read the comments made by certain individuals where they thought it was a specific sex. I.E from one end of the spectrum having caring and understanding comments, to the other end of the spectrum commenting on watching too much porn..etc.

I never suggested it was a "test" post or anything to trick anyone.

Interesting to see is all....

I'm afraid I think posters are being disingenuous if they say that appearance doesn't matter. Ok- it may not for some. But for most people attraction is a blend of physical and emotional/ intellectual.
It could be argued that someone who has let themselves go is showing no respect for their partner's feelings and is being utterly selfish.
Who wants a partner on the verge of a heart attack or diabetes because they can't be arsed to live healthily?

Normal ageing is one thing- self sabotage and lack of engagement with how this affects others is something else.

BUT-OP if you do come back, the question is- if your partner lost weight or sorted out their appearance, would you want them anyway? Ask yourself if the weight/ appearance is an excuse for your loss of interest in them. If you no longer love them for whatever reason, then tell them and leave.

Either way the OP clearly does not love their partner, so the relationship's over.

Thanks everyone for you honest and frank replies. I deliberately withheld our sex and sexual orientation for fear of a biased response which I feel shouldn't make any difference.

Forgive the use of the word instruction. It was a bad choice and I should've used the words gentle and loving guidance which is far closer to the intent.

I have much soul searching to do, but in answer to one of the more recent replies, I guess I'd be happier if there was just more desire, need and horniness shown towards me. I think the sexual apathy towards the relationship I feel is shown has left me feeling a little bitter and sorry for myself which is not helped when I feel they are also not putting any effort into their appearance.

We need to talk and work through things as the person I question is not only my DP but also my best friend.