Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay?

55 replies

Purplelolly2000 · 15/11/2014 21:04

Since my baby was born 7 months ago, things have gone from bad to worse with my partner. Things have got so bad he recently spent 2 weeks away from home as I just couldn't take it anymore. Basically it all boils down to the fact that he wants to go out drinking every weekend and I don't, because we have a child.

Our baby wasn't planned but we had been together a little while and were in a strong position (good jobs, own house etc) so I thought it would ok. He keeps saying to me that he hasn't changed, which in essence is the main problem. I knew he was very sociable and liked a drink etc, but I honestly thought he would calm down a bit once the baby arrived as he was so excited.

He just keeps saying how it is possible to have a baby and a life, but he doesn't seem to understand that he is the only one having this 'life'. Not that I want it, I adore my child and am happy only to go out every few weeks as a treat. He always says he is 'just popping out for an hour' and then rolls home 3-4 hours later, drunk and then often ends up vomiting noisily in the bathroom. His argument is that he works hard (true) and needs a break at the end of the week but obviously thinks I don't know he stops off at the pub on his way home nearly every night.

During our time apart we had a serious talk and he said he wants us to go out more as a family so I came up with a list of things we could do together that were suitable for a baby but he rejected all of them for some reason or another. What it comes down to is he wants to hang out with his mates at the pub.

I'm aware that I'm going on and on, so I'll narrow it down a bit. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to stay home with me in the evenings on weekends? Also, if I decide to go it alone (seriously considering it) am I going to ruin my baby's life by not having his daddy at home full time?

OP posts:
Ikeameatballs · 15/11/2014 21:07

Absolutely not unreasonable.

My ex-dp was the same, I wish I'd left sooner and not spent my children's early years with an alcoholic.

My advice, get out now.

Smukogrig · 15/11/2014 21:09

No.

Things will be easier if u r not resentful.

He either will or wont be a half decent father. It's not your responsibility to make it as easy as possible for him to do what u'd walk ovrr hot coals to do. Ie, parent

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/11/2014 21:09

No, you are not going to ruin your baby's life by leaving this relationship but you are at risk of ruining your own by staying with someone who never planned a family life with you and now finds he has one.

LadyLuck10 · 15/11/2014 21:12

You shouldn't stay op. He clearly does not want a family life and why should you be begging him to? You and dd deserve so much more, you will be happier on your own.

LouiseBrooks · 15/11/2014 21:13

You haven't said how old you are but he sounds at best incredibly immature. He seems to want to behave like a single man, out with his mates and getting hammered.It's very sad but I think for the sake of you and the baby, you might need to end this.

losthermind · 15/11/2014 21:13

You're in no way shape or form going to ruin your babies life by being a single parent.
If anything it will affect your child more if you stay,put up with it and make yourself miserable.
Children are very resilient but they are quick to pick up on hostility.
Do what is best for you and baby

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 15/11/2014 21:14

Allow me to reconfigure some of your own words:

if I decide to go it alone (seriously considering it) am I going to ruin my baby's life by not living with his accidental biological father who wants to go out drinking every weekend and always says he is 'just popping out for an hour' and then rolls home 3-4 hours later, drunk and then often ends up vomiting noisily in the bathroom who rejects any ideas to spend time as a family because he wants to hang out with his mates at the pub

Does that help you make your decision?

Living with one good parent is much much better than living with two where there is one good parent who spends all their time worrying, and generally being consumed in attempting to manage the behaviour of the other parent who is a shit.

Goingintohibernation · 15/11/2014 21:16

He sounds like he has a massive drink problem. I think leaving would be very sensible.

Fallandfly · 15/11/2014 21:20

He sounds like a manchild. He is not listening to you or accepting that things change when you have a child. He is taking time and money away from your family to indulge himself. You will not ruin your child's life by finishing this relationship. Part of me wishes I had had the courage to do the same when mine were babies as the impact would have been so much less. The future holds many possibilities for happiness, give yourself that chance.

Original poster
Purplelolly2000 · 15/11/2014 21:23

You all just made me cry because I think deep down I knew the answer but I just wanted so much more for my little one. I'm going to have to stick it out for a while till I figure out how to manage financially as although I can go back to work, by the time I've paid for childcare there isn't anything left over.
I just can't believe I've got myself in this situation and the thought of my poor little boy is breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 15/11/2014 21:25

This sounds a hell of a lot like me when we had our first DC and I don't say that with any pride. DW basically laid down the law - that it was the pub or her. She didn't ban it outfight but my visits were to be curtailed. I don't say I changed overnight, but I did eventually. We've been married 36 years now. I'd say give him an ultimatum BUT you must be prepared to carry it out if he refuses to change and that is a very big step.

Tobyjugg · 15/11/2014 21:25

outfight =outright

Meerka · 15/11/2014 21:29

Your little boy is an adorable sweetheart and he will be alright with you. You don't know what's the future on your own. But you can have a good glimpse of the future now if you stay; your little boy puzzled why Daddy isn't around weekend evenings and why he's so grumpy and unhappy on saturday and sunday mornings.

It really doesn't sound as if your partner is interested in anything but having a good time, and your little boy will need more.

Hug him, kiss him and you will be alright Flowers

Fallandfly · 15/11/2014 21:35

Hopefully he will take the opportunity to be a good dad to your little boy, maybe better than he is now. My exbil sounds very similar to your partner, he is now a much better involved father than he ever was when in his relationship.
Your little boy will he much happier if you are happy and it doesn't sound like you are. Take as long as you need to look into money, maybe working tax credit to help with childcare?
Having a child with someone does not condemn you to accepting less than you deserve. Have courage.

Jolleigh · 15/11/2014 21:52

OP, you won't ruin your baby's life by not having his daddy there full time if you decide to leave. Because his daddy isn't there full time or even part time by the sounds of it. He works during the day 5 days a week, goes to the pub on his way home most evenings, goes on a bender each weekend and has do deal with the inevitable recovery time, then in the time leftover, rejects ideas of what you could do as a family. YOU'RE the one doing all the parenting here. Does your gut tell you that your DP has a chance of strapping a set of balls on and being a dad?

Huge sympathy (or empathy? I never did learn the difference) for you. I also have a 7 month old. I left the ex when she was 6 weeks old due to similar behaviour and drug use. You want to know the weird thing? Being a single mum when she's this young has been amazing. I've never been so in tune with anyone in my life and things are very consistent for her because they're only done my way with zero interference. I don't work now (I did before she came along) but am starting volunteer positions and a course of study to retrain for something I actually enjoy. Life is good and it can be for you too. Yes I'm a parent but since leaving the ex, I've never been more me...And that happiness will surround my daughter.

Original poster
Purplelolly2000 · 15/11/2014 22:05

I just want to thank all of you for your advice. I started this thread feeling a bit desperate and now although I am terribly terribly sad, I don't feel as hopeless as I did before so thank you all.

I must admit during those two weeks apart, I actually didn't find it hard being on my own. Practically speaking, I didn't have any more work to do than I normally do. In some ways it was a bit of a relief not have to deal with the fallout from the weekends.

I had really high hopes that we could work something out but then yesterday he came home and announced that it was the start of what he calls 'silly season' (Christmas period) and that he had 'obligations' to his friends to attend various parties etc. it sounds ridiculous to me now, but when he is so adamant that I'm being unreasonable, I start to doubt myself.

i have thought about giving him an ultimatum, but I think honestly, that we would lose. I had hoped that Our time apart would make him realise how hollow and shallow going out drinking is when you don't have your family to come home to, but unfortunately it didn't.

Jolleigh, I wish you every luck in your retraining. I did it (after picking myself up from another failed relationship a few years ago - seriously, what is wrong with me) and it was the best thing I ever did. I took myself off to uni and trained to be a teacher, so now I have a job that I love. I hope you find what it is that you want to do and give yourself and your DD a wonderful life.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 15/11/2014 22:17

Thanks for you m'dear. As if being a new parent isn't enough, eh? If you choose to split, will living arrangements be fairly straightforward? Will he be the one to leave or will you and LO need to?

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 15/11/2014 22:25

No you shouldn't. You get one life why waste it with someone like this?

Clarabumps · 15/11/2014 22:29

It's a very sad time my love but you have your head screwed on and you can see that this is not good for anyone involved. Your life changes when you have kids. You might not want it to but if you're serious about it then it has to. It's a shame he doesn't realise this.

Your little boy will grow up in a loving stable environment with a Mum who loves him dearly. He won't ever ask the question "why does Daddy like the pub more than us?". He won't see him puking in the bathroom on a Sunday morning when you had a nice family day planned. You are doing him a favour by shielding him from that.
You will get everything together and have a great wee life.
Thanks

NickiFury · 15/11/2014 22:31

I had one like this. We were together for 8 years and he never changed. I made him leave a number of times then let him back after "sincere" promises to change. He's still the same, I like to call him "the oldest swinger in town", still puts his social life before his children but at least we don't have to live with it anymore. When my children DO see him at least it's quality time. He manages to out them first for about four hours a week Hmm and thinks he's the best dad in the world.

I hate the fact that I spend the first years of both my dc's lives crying and unhappy and despising myself for putting them and myself into this crap "family" situation. Leaving him is the best thing I could have done for them.

SeasonsEatings · 15/11/2014 22:47

Some good advice here. Take care x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2216799-Will-this-work-will-he-change?pg=1&order=

Original poster
Purplelolly2000 · 16/11/2014 11:10

I love being a mum so much, it breaks my heart that he doesn't feel the same way about his family.
The house is in my name so I would stay, but I'm not sure how it would work financially as by the time I've paid for childcare there won't be anything left over. I think I will go to the citizens advice bureau this week and see where I stand with tax credits etc.
SeasonsEatings, I read your link. What did or didn't you do? I was thinking of relate too as a last ditch attempt.
So far this weekend he has been out Friday and Saturday night and I know he will be out again today because as he puts it 'I've been going to Sunday club since I was 18'.
I just hate that my little boy isn't important to him enough to give up his social 'obgliations'. What about his family obligations. He's almost 39 by the way, so I'm not exactly making him miss out on his youth.

OP posts:
1FluffyJumper · 16/11/2014 11:15

He sounds awful! Good luck with your plans!

Greta28 · 16/11/2014 11:32

Please find strength to move on, it must be exhausting to deal with fallouts... Hugs to you xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2014 11:36

Make plans to get this man out of your lives and stick with that plan to do so. You and this man are better off apart; he will just drag you and your child down with him otherwise. And no, such men do not change. These men too put drink first and their thoughts revolve around where the next drink is going to come from. His own "silly season" plans fit in with that mindset.

Go to the CAB and look at the "entitled to" website re benefits.

Counselling for yourself is a must I think. Forget going to Relate with him, there is really nothing to save here because he has and continues to put drink first. His behaviour is precisely what alcoholics do.

BTW what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you learn to rescue and or save others from themselves?. Those are questions that you should be asking yourself now. You may well need to completely reassess everything that you learnt along the way and ditch the possible co-dependency issues that you perhaps learnt as well.

If he refuses to leave (which he may well do) use legal means to get him out.

Protect your most precious resource, i.e. your son, from his drunkard of a father. This 39 year old drunk will always choose the pub and his mates (who likely also have drink problems) over you and your child every single time.