Should I stay?

[Purplelolly2000]

Since my baby was born 7 months ago, things have gone from bad to worse with my partner. Things have got so bad he recently spent 2 weeks away from home as I just couldn't take it anymore. Basically it all boils down to the fact that he wants to go out drinking every weekend and I don't, because we have a child.

Our baby wasn't planned but we had been together a little while and were in a strong position (good jobs, own house etc) so I thought it would ok. He keeps saying to me that he hasn't changed, which in essence is the main problem. I knew he was very sociable and liked a drink etc, but I honestly thought he would calm down a bit once the baby arrived as he was so excited.

He just keeps saying how it is possible to have a baby and a life, but he doesn't seem to understand that he is the only one having this 'life'. Not that I want it, I adore my child and am happy only to go out every few weeks as a treat. He always says he is 'just popping out for an hour' and then rolls home 3-4 hours later, drunk and then often ends up vomiting noisily in the bathroom. His argument is that he works hard (true) and needs a break at the end of the week but obviously thinks I don't know he stops off at the pub on his way home nearly every night.

During our time apart we had a serious talk and he said he wants us to go out more as a family so I came up with a list of things we could do together that were suitable for a baby but he rejected all of them for some reason or another. What it comes down to is he wants to hang out with his mates at the pub.

I'm aware that I'm going on and on, so I'll narrow it down a bit. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to stay home with me in the evenings on weekends? Also, if I decide to go it alone (seriously considering it) am I going to ruin my baby's life by not having his daddy at home full time?

I'm sorry that you are with someone who refuses to grow up and give any consideration to his partner and child.

By announcing the start of the "silly season", he is telling you unequivocally how things are going to be for the next couple of months (and probably for several years afterwards).

You and your son deserve better. Please remember that your partner, who is in a well-paid job, will have to support his child, so you will hopefully manage financially, and have to put up with a lot less crap in your life.

Good luck!

He's 39?!

Look, don't waste your time with Relate. Forget this, you are absolutely flogging a dead horse. He doesn't want to change - this is who he is. If he was going to have grown up, he'd have done it by now, whether you and the baby were there or not - he'd have grown bored with the endless round of pub, club, chat, pub and wanted more from life under his own steam. He doesn't. That's him.

If you stay, he won't change, but you and your child will. You'll have to adjust to endless rows, constant lack of security with money, time and commitments. At the end of it all, he'll be no better father than he is now, because it's something he has to want to do.

You'll miss out on the chance to find a proper partner (ie someone who wants a home and family life instead of an extended teenagerhood). You'l probably miss out on the chance of more children. You'll certainly not be happy with your life.

Find out how the finances will work - they will, it might be tough but they will - and then ask him to leave. Thanks goodness it's your house.

Oh, and silly season? FGS.

I assume that translates as 'Don't expect to have me there to enjoy a family Christmas with you and the baby or to be on hand to take some of the responsibility so that you can have a rest/let your hair down too - this is my prime excuse of the year to be even more selfish and to prioritise MY CHILDISH FUN 100% - my time, cash and effort will be even more elsewhere.'

Please make plans that don't mean you end up alone with your baby til 4am Christmas Eve, then doing his first Christmas morning alone while the smelly alcoholic pig snores and reeks the morning away upstairs.

Can you make plans to go to family for Christmas? Ignore every word he says when he starts whining about it - tell him you know he'll prioritise his friends and his alcohol so you have no intention of considering him part of the planning.

You just said the house was in your name so in answer to your question yes you should stay in your own home

He however should be kicked out

I think that's what strikes me. Whilst you're with this man you are preventing yourself from being with a loving, family man and dad.

Agree with castlemilk 100%
Glad it's your house. You'll figure something out.

Agree counselling is a waste of time. My x managed to convince himself ( and me nearly 0_o that he just wanted peace and quiet at home and i was the one starting rows overnothing. I have not ruined my children's lives. They're doing really well. I am too now. The whole single parent family thing doesnt continue to hurt indefinitely. I feel strong now.I felt pathetic when i was with their dad.

Go to your family's house for xmas! Dont be alone with a baby /&/or snoring hangover merchant

39!!!!!!!!!!!!! For fuck sake I thought we were talking about early 20s! He is an immature twat. Forget ultimatum suggestion. Listen to the ladies on here.

Does he realise you will be ending the relationship?

I think it's highly unlikely he will change.

He sounds alot like my dad. My strongest memory is Christmas mornings, every year my mum would make us wait for our dad to get up. So we'd all be waiting until lunch time to open our presents.
We hated it & it spoilt Christmas.

Don't let him spoil stuff for your little boy.

Your partner is a pitiful drunk.

You and your sin deserve better.

Time to see the CAB about how you can top up your income if possible and what maintenance he will need to pay to the son he doesn't deserve.

You will be much better off without this immature alkie in your lives vom'ing in the bathroom every weekend.

What a loser and shite example to your child.

He genuinely thinks that what he's doing is ok. He was out today from 3-7pm but thinks that's ok because he was home in time to say goodnight to the baby.
When I challenged him again yesterday he told me I need to go and see someone to deal with my problems (the fact I am miserable and grumpy all the time). I am miserable all the time and have considered the possibility that I have PND, but honestly I think it's the situation that's making me miserable not depression.
I have spent most of the afternoon doing sums but still can't make it work so I'm not sure what Im going to do. However, as I go to bed worrying about money most evenings anyway because we are struggling at the moment, I might as well do it on my own.
I think it might be time to talk to my family, because although we're close, I haven't said anything yet because I don't want them to be disappointed in me. My parents have been married for almost 37 years and I know how upset they'll be, but I don't think I can do this alone anymore.

However, as I go to bed worrying about money most evenings anyway because we are struggling at the moment, I might as well do it on my own

So not only is he not being a family man, he's pissing your family money away

Tell him you've worked out why you're unhappy, it's because you've realise you've not had equal leisure time and money and tell him to work out how much time and money he's had this past week so you get the same next week!

OP you can turn this around and around in your head, but the fault does not lie with you.

I can't believe you're struggling financially and he's out spending all of this money on drink.

What was your relationship like before baby ? how long were you two together prior to baby ? you stated in the op that baby wasn't planned what was his reaction to the pregnancy. I ask because if he actually wanted a family life, kicking him out may wake him up to what he has lost and MAY make him change his ways . Otoh if he had never wanted children, taken responsibility in contraception etc to prevent babies, but found himself a reluctant father and you a willing mother , then I think you owe it to yourself and lo to make a new life for yourselves. You and dp want fundermentaly different things and it will never work. It is always difficult when dc arrive unexpectedly and rarely works when the man had no particular desire for children, preferring instead to live the life of a single twenty something. Ltb and in time , I'm sure you will find an actual grown up to share your life with .

I need to go and see someone to deal with my problems.

And that someone is a solicitor. This would be understandable in an immature 20 something. For a 39 y o to do this shows a real problem. If he's like this now, I'll lay 10/1 that in 10 years he's still doing it and chasing younger women into the bargain.

He sounds horrendous, what is the point in being with someone like this, if anything, he's just a hassle to you, you'd be better off on your own, he's a disgrace.

My stbxh was the exact same in fact he said when we split "it was you who wanted a child" he wasn't involved in our dd's life at all and expected life to carry on as normal. I didn't envisage being a SP but my ex is now an amazing father.

So, I've been to the citizens advice this morning and have a 'proper' appointment next week to sort out what kind of financial help I can get but it looks like I will be entitled to some tax credits etc. the only thing I am waiting for is my work to get back to me as I put in a request for flexibie hours when I finish maternity leave.
On the domestic front, things are pretty horrible. We are barely speaking, which I guess is better than rowing, but he still takes the stance that going out every weekend is normal, and everyone who has a 7 month old baby does it and why am I being so unreasonable about it.
I know he has a night out up in London planned for this weekend which will be super expensive but as it's 'his' money, I don't suppose it's got anything to do with me (said sarcastically). I have asked him not to go but he has an obligation to his friend apparently.
I've got my mum coming over tomorrow so I think I'm going to break the news to her that I've gone and chosen another dud and hope she isn't too disappointed in me.

Well done for getting advice and also for getting your mum over.

Does she know about your partners drink problem ? Once she finds out she will probably be very glad to hear that you are kicking him out .

He's an alcoholic. Booze and booze friends will always be no. 1 with him. It is with his mates, too, because they are also drunks.

Some people don't deserve kids.

Get yourself sorted and get out of there. 'His' money, his to piss up a wall. Your finances will likely be much improved when you are not with someone who spunks a huge amount of it away on pubs and boozing like a teenager.

As for your mum being disappointed with you -if you were my daughter I would be overjoyed that you had finally seen the light and decided to leave,, before you did anything as stupid as marrying him .

If I were your mum I would be delighted that you were making a positive and strong choice for you and your child xx

There is never going to be a time when he sees what he is doing is unreasonable in any way, sadly.

Seems to me the sooner you are rid of this 39y old party animal the better. Will you confide in your mum? Might she help? I'm hopeful that CAB will show that you can afford to be without him asap.

I'm also kind of hoping that you've come to MN in the frame of mind that has already fallen out of love with him? This needs utter rationality ...

So...
Mum came over today and I confessed all. She was very supportive, as I knew she would be, and said she will stand by me whatever I decide. I was going to leave things till the end of the month but ended up having a big talk with OH this evening culminating in him walking out.
I told him in no uncertain terms about how resentful I was that he spends upwards of £100 a week in the pub when I can't afford to take our DS to a £5 a week baby class to which he just looked at me blankly. He said I've never mentioned being short of money before which I know is bullshit. Then I flatout asked him to cut down his pub trips to once a week and he wouldn't say yes. He just kept avoiding the question.
Now, I know that tells me everything I need to know, but from his perspective he is leaving because I'm such a horrible, miserable bitch. I can't help wondering if he's right? I have been a hateful person over the last few months. I know that he was like this before we had a baby when it didn't bother me, but maybe he would have been more willing to change if I hadn't been so miserable. I really struggled with motherhood at first (our DS never slept for more than an hour at a time) and so I was really moody all the time. Turns out he's already been looking at flats.
Anyway, I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon. All I can think about now is how I'm going to pay the mortgage next month.

'but from his perspective he is leaving because I'm such a horrible, miserable bitch. I can't help wondering if he's right?'

He is a pathetic, immature soak who is addicted to booze and would rather spend money on drink than his own child. He's a bitch, not you.

He's nearly 40-year-old acting like a teenager who may well be dead of liver disease before he is 50.

This man is a total loser.