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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Know I'm Childish, But He Needs to See

65 replies

Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 06:55

I'm sat here at 40, up at 6am, because my DH won't stop at home with us.

As part of his job, DH asked approx. 13 months ago if he could temporarily work a Saturday morning, "just for a bit", as things were so busy.

I agreed, reluctantly, (he works long hours, bank holidays, has one week off a year for a family holiday and 2 days for Christmas).

A month ago yesterday, I sat DH down and asked him to stop working the Saturdays as it was getting a bit much, I'm left dealing with the DC, we are all waiting for him to get home to do the parents visits on the Saturday, and the odd Saturday we did a family day, went out to attractions or had a movie day, obviously we can't do this now....

His answer ....... no, just no.

I asked why, he's too busy, when can you give them up, I asked, not for a while, or I don't know was the answer. I asked for a compromise of working 2, having 2 Saturdays off, no again was the answer, just no.

I gave up asking.

So now every Saturday when his alarm goes off I get up 5 minutes after him and start doing some jobs around the house as he's getting ready for work, (yes to annoy him).

He's just stormed out of the house, saying I'm pathetic, saying I should just stay in bed and have a lie-in, (a lie-in to both of us in about 7/7.30, due to DS7). I'm being childish. Yes I am, but he now gets to see that the alarm wakes me up, I can't get back to sleep so I get up and start on the jobs that I have to do on my own as hes not here, rather than before, where he goes off to work and thinks I'm having a nice lie in.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 15/11/2014 07:01

Why does he only have 2 weeks off a year. That can't be right?
As for you getting up to prove a point,why?
It doesn't work and you just fall out.

Stealthpolarbear · 15/11/2014 07:02

Why does you getting up annoy him?
Has he said why. He feels he needs to carry on working Saturdays?

Squeegle · 15/11/2014 07:04

How is your relationship apart from this?

woowoo22 · 15/11/2014 07:07

Is he working all hours because you need the money, or to avoid home?

Fairylea · 15/11/2014 07:09

If he has such little time off and financially you don't need him to work like this then he sounds like a workaholic. My dad is the same and still working full time at 76 through choice! I'm not sure your dh will change.

Are you sure he doesn't have debts you don't know about or is having an affair? (Sorry but just exploring all avenues! )

I would get up when I want and do stuff with the kids without him. Not the point I know but there's no point wasting a day being angry with him.

hesterton · 15/11/2014 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:12

Ihatethecold He's self employed and this is all hes willing to take.

Stealth He feels I'm causing a row between us, as I have no need to get up and in doing so he feels guilty - I think - as the evidence is right there in front of him, (I used to lie there for a bit after the alarm went off and then get up just after he'd gone).

Now I get up straight away and for some reason it annoys him? I feel he needs to see that yes I do get woken up and then the household jobs do need doing and yes DS7 does get up early too, and maybe just maybe some help from him would be appreciated or god forbid I would like a lie in occasionally! Rather than just hear me moan about it, as its just words then.

Squeegle Our relationship is good in itself, but only if I don't try and compete with work, his whole family joke that it is his life, and it really is. I'm in no doubt that he loves me and the DC, but he loves his work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:19

woowoo22 No we don't need the money, its his own business, doing as job he absolutely loves. I hope he's not avoiding home.

Fairylea He is a workaholic I think, we don't have a debts, (well one credit card).

As I've mentioned I do everything else, so I deal with the money, bills, shopping, birthdays, Christmas, School meetings, homework, visiting family, (apart from a Saturday), hospital appointments, cleaning, washing, garden, etc. we have the same passwords for all accounts and phones, I have access to all, so if he's having an affair hes hiding it well.

Plus I do the paperwork for the business and do the time sheet for the hours he works and they pay him for a Saturday morning, so he must be there.

Hesterton Yes its childish, but yes its an unsubtle message as the subtle and outright ones don't work.

Yes hes self employed.
No we don't need the money.
Everything else we do, we talk about, but works always been a sensitive subject, so his and my hackles are raised from the get go.

Plus how do you talk to someone about a subject when all they say is no?

OP posts:
knittedslippersx2 · 15/11/2014 07:26

No advice. But I know how you feel, living with a true workaholic is really hard.:(

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/11/2014 07:28

You tell them it is a deal breaker and what is the point if the family never spend time together? You may as well live in separate houses and at least the kids will see him during access times.

post · 15/11/2014 07:29

Do you just get up and potter about happily and chatting etc or are you banging around crossly in a 'look what you're making me do'?
Because I can understand why he's grumpy if it's the latter!

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:39

Thanks knitted 20 years together, he himself comments that the industry hes in has a high divorce rate, due to the hours and commitments, I'm not sure I can do this much more though.

funky its coming to that, although we have been there in the past and he was a lot better, he seems to slip back into old ways after a bit, and only when I make comments or ultimatums, does he try to sort things out - I'm tired though of being the prop, he should see how things are too without me bringing them to his attention.

post

I just get up, hes in the kitchen/dining room, I come through flick the kettle on, collect all the glasses up, start running a sink, etc.
This morning I never said a word, he started on me.

"why are you up?" "This is ridiculous", "Just go back to bed" I never replied to any.

He had a wash, then came back and asked me for a kiss, I just said one word - no.
He stormed off and went to work.

Can I ask you, even if I did storm and huff around, aren't I justified, I am at the end of my tether, he buries his head in the sand, and by me just being up before he goes is enough for him to see the consequence of him going to work, i.e, his alarm waking me up, me doing the household jobs, etc.

OP posts:
post · 15/11/2014 07:40

And you're trying to show him that you're unhappy about him going off every Saturday, but he's not motivated to change by your being unhappy, clearly, so you might as well at least stay in bed if you want to.
Is he often unwilling to negotiate or just about work?

post · 15/11/2014 07:42

Sorry x post.
Not saying you aren't justified but it's maybe going to make you feel worse?

Zazzles007 · 15/11/2014 07:44

After 20 yrs of this behaviour from your H Questioning, you have every right to be quite a lot more than just angry with him. If it were me, this would be a deal breaker that I would no longer tolerate. And he is behaving like a man-child in storming off in a huff just because you refused to give him a kiss.

post · 15/11/2014 07:45

Which might be kind of worth it if it worked but otherwise you end up out of bed, and more upset and it hasn't got him to change anything?
I'm not bring unsympathetic, truly. I spent years doing similar and I've decided life is too short to get myself even crosser than I was.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:48

Thank you post

I am unhappy, but I'm up 5 minutes after he goes anyway, I usually snuggle down and can hear him moving around, the alarm has obviously woken me up, I have a stretch and up I get. Its no bother for me to get up a few minutes earlier and yes It annoys him and makes him feel guilty I think so its a bonus for me, (hence I know I'm being childish).

We only argue about work, and I genuinely mean that, only work, we have a huff and puff about each others annoying habits some time, but the only arguments are work related and how he's never here.

I say to him I must be only woman arguing for my husband to be here more often and not to go to work and earn anymore money.

Money is not everything we need him here, he just chooses not to listen I think.

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 15/11/2014 07:49

It's your home, you can do what you want and when you want to!
Ask him why your routine annoys him, it's got nothing to do with him really.

antarctic · 15/11/2014 07:50

Are you a SAHM? And if so, are you happy with that?

I'm just wondering how the conversation would go if you told him you wanted to go back to work and would need support from him around the house and with DS to make that happen.

Fwiw I don't think you're being childish if this is the only way to make him think about what he's doing and the impact on you.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:51

Zazzles

It is becoming a deal breaker for me tbh. I have resisted saying this to DH as I would like him to want to be here and to want to compromise, I didn't want to have to resort to threats.

All I want is a compromise, but I can see as each Saturday arrives and off he goes there isn't going to be one.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

OP posts:
Zazzles007 · 15/11/2014 07:55

It is becoming a deal breaker for me tbh.

I thought it might be from what you had posted. If you are thinking of ending this marriage, you have every right to do so, for whatever reason you want. And ending it because he refuses to spend any time with the family is a more-than valid reason. You are literally a single parent anyway it appears.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 07:56

natural That's how I feel, if I want to get up early its my choice, yes the choice is partly to do with what he's doing, but its my choice.

Plus I do not say a thing, I don't engage with him, I'm not a morning person anyway and like quiet for a while in the morning, but just my presence is becoming a red flag to a bull to him, so in kind I'm inclined to keep doing it.

antarctic Yes I am a SAHM, but I work 12 hours, sometimes more on the business paperwork and accounts, I also do all our VAT as well. So in theory I could get a job, but it just wouldn't be practical as well.

I will be honest last week I did say that one Saturday morning I was going to get up earlier than him and go out for the day and then he couldn't go to work - how childish is that!!

Am I bad for thinking of doing this next weekend...

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/11/2014 07:59

I totally understand, it's been the same here.

We don't need the money, DH worked very long unpredictable hours and weekends.

Friends and family would be concerned for DH, admiring of him, and I'd just feel rejected and like I was on the take all the time and not entitled to any sort of hobby or downtime because he didn't have any.

Then there's the fact he doesn't look after himself and I think he'll die young like his mum did Sad

He loves his job, I laid it on the line and told him all of the above and that we weren't happier than we were 20 years ago when we had no money and more time together.

He's finally cutting back and trying to learn to delegate! That was the big thing, he believes that it's more work for him to delegate because others don't do as good a job and then that reflects badly on his work.

QueenCardigan · 15/11/2014 07:59

I'm assuming that you're a sahm questioning (apart from doing the business accounts)? I am too and therefore all the household jobs, hospital appts, christmas etc are all mine to deal with too and I understand how frustrating it is. Sometimes you just want them to realise how much we do behind the scenes to keep the household running.

How is ds in all of this as presumably he hardly sees his dad? I think you need to properly sit down with dh and tell him how this is affecting you all as a family unit and that he needs to cut back back on work by either nt working every Saturday or taking more holidays. He's not being fair to you both otherwise.

But if he does continue to work some Saturdays then just chill with ds or go and do stuff together. My dh sometimes works weekends and I don't get up when he does despite him waking me. I relish the time to relax without having to do the school run.

Joysmum · 15/11/2014 08:01

Oh and despite all that, he's very prepared to not cut back enough for me to hold down a full time job and only work from home as he's 'not cut out for a 9-5 regular job' Sad