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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Know I'm Childish, But He Needs to See

65 replies

Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 06:55

I'm sat here at 40, up at 6am, because my DH won't stop at home with us.

As part of his job, DH asked approx. 13 months ago if he could temporarily work a Saturday morning, "just for a bit", as things were so busy.

I agreed, reluctantly, (he works long hours, bank holidays, has one week off a year for a family holiday and 2 days for Christmas).

A month ago yesterday, I sat DH down and asked him to stop working the Saturdays as it was getting a bit much, I'm left dealing with the DC, we are all waiting for him to get home to do the parents visits on the Saturday, and the odd Saturday we did a family day, went out to attractions or had a movie day, obviously we can't do this now....

His answer ....... no, just no.

I asked why, he's too busy, when can you give them up, I asked, not for a while, or I don't know was the answer. I asked for a compromise of working 2, having 2 Saturdays off, no again was the answer, just no.

I gave up asking.

So now every Saturday when his alarm goes off I get up 5 minutes after him and start doing some jobs around the house as he's getting ready for work, (yes to annoy him).

He's just stormed out of the house, saying I'm pathetic, saying I should just stay in bed and have a lie-in, (a lie-in to both of us in about 7/7.30, due to DS7). I'm being childish. Yes I am, but he now gets to see that the alarm wakes me up, I can't get back to sleep so I get up and start on the jobs that I have to do on my own as hes not here, rather than before, where he goes off to work and thinks I'm having a nice lie in.

OP posts:
DirtyPigeon · 15/11/2014 08:13

Questioning, is he annoyed at you getting up because it makes him feel guilty? Because he should. I bet he's doing less than if he were single.

I hope you're getting paid for doing the business paperwork. And taking copies and keeping them somewhere safe in case you do decide to leave.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 08:19

Joysmum

You have put exactly what he says to me, no one does as good a job as he does, he has to be there, they expect him to be there, he had a day off after my DD orthodontics appointment a few months ago, took me up to the local town after, we had just sat down with a lovely latte and a cake, his phone rings and he had to leave, I had the option of staying in town and catching the bus home, (he generously offered me the bus fare), or he could drop me off on his way back to work, I had one sip of the coffee...

I did say I thought we were happier when the DC were younger, we didn't have a lot of materials things and money was tight, but we made a lovely family, he thinks I've got rose tinted glasses on.

I also have "friends" who look at me like I'm mad, for complaining that he works all hours, they have said enjoy it??

Also DH would like nothing other than me to be out spending and leaving him to his work, and I may just be doing that, minus the spending his money.
I don't think its occurred to him that I would move for separation, as then he would be forced to give up a Saturday, to see his son.

I have also "threatened" in the past to get a job and then the family dynamics would have to change, he would be forced to work around me sometimes, he would have to have time off for half term, holidays, teacher training days, he would have to go and make a model out of straws, or do the maths workshop that is coming up on the 27th November, he would have to drop everything is the school called saying one of the DC were sick and you have to pick them up, but he replied he would get his DM to have the DC and it wouldn't affect him in the slightest and by threatening him with doing so I was childish and cutting my nose of despite my face as if he took a day off rather than me, we would be loosing 4 times the wage I can bring in

Queen

DS7 states quite calmly and to his friends, family, that daddy works a lot, but that's ok because I like going out with mummy anyway .....

Dirty Yes I get paid, just above minimum wage, but it all goes into the joint account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 08:21

Oh and Joysmum I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat as me and I hope you're DH does indeed stick to trying to delegate and you get some sort of compromise in your relationship.

If you manage to do so, could you let me know how you did it Smile

OP posts:
Zazzles007 · 15/11/2014 08:25

if he took a day off rather than me, we would be loosing 4 times the wage I can bring in

So he clearly think he is a far more valuable asset in the marriage than you are Angry. Fuck I would divorce him for that comment alone!

Zazzles007 · 15/11/2014 08:27

one of the DC were sick and you have to pick them up, but he replied he would get his DM to have the DC and it wouldn't affect him in the slightest

Fucking hell, does he feel any sort of responsibility for his DC in the slightest??? Fuck me...

antarctic · 15/11/2014 08:34

He seems to call you childish quite a lot. He's the childish one, for refusing to discuss this with you properly and listen to your point of view!

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 08:34

I know Zazzles

He's not a great communicator in arguments, hes a shouter and walk's away, he uses his DM for everything I say in an argument, so I don't take it seriously tbh, she is well aware of the hours he works obviously, and has stated in the past as have other member of his family, that they don't know how I've had the patience to stay so long. I think he knows I have the moral high ground and knows I have a valid point and feels backed into a corner, but he still won't compromise - what does that say?

I'm making him out to be horrible I suppose and he's really not, he values his job very very highly, certainly not higher than his son, when he is here, he's great but nothing and I mean nothing can interfere with his job, and while I'm here, within this unit, he's quite happy to rely on me to do everything else.

OP posts:
mariposaazul · 15/11/2014 08:40

Maybe yr DH needs to spend more time alone so finds,2 days of family life at weekend a challenge...
Having always been a working single parent who has to do all that household stuff on top of 50+ he week (NOT by choice but demands of job), I sometimes think SAHMs could count their blessings a bit more that they don't have to do all the earning too!
Maybe you look forward to the weekend to DO something having been at home all week (whereas a lot of working people are over tired need a break). It might be a solution for you to get a job - perhaps within school hrs - so you have more of a life (more important for you than the salary?) of yr own & not so dependent on DH for company

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 08:42

I was going to suggest that you communicate with him in a more direct, reasonable manner. No threats or sulks or whatever. Just tell him calmly and straight what you need.

Then I read your post 08:19.

Zazzles007 · 15/11/2014 08:49

he values his job very very highly, certainly not higher than his son

The problem here is that his actions do not match his words, and words are easy. Coming up with the actions which match what you are saying is so, so much harder. So it sounds like he is paying lip service as to the importance of his family, and then just doing what he wants.

Quitelikely · 15/11/2014 08:51

If I was you I would set my alarm for 6.30 and then leave the house. Tell him you are not going to be taken for granted.

It's the only way to get through to someone as stubborn as him IMO

Charley50 · 15/11/2014 08:53

I don't think separating would make your life easier and obviously if you were separated you would see him less so it's no solution. Can't you do family outings on Sundays? Discuss the issue again.

mariposaazul · 15/11/2014 08:54

I'm rather concerned that you recognise you are being childish - doing stuff just to be annoying - & you don't seem to think this is part of the problem/something you need to address. We cannot expect others to behave better than we do ourselves.

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 08:57

I Know I'm Childish, But He Needs to See

Ok, I think he sees perfectly clearly. He just doesn't care. I think you need to be clear in your own mind what the consequences are if he continues like this. Perhaps there aren't, perhaps even then it will suit you to stay as things are. That's ok. What's important is that you don't continue feeling as frustrated as you do now.

Squeegle · 15/11/2014 09:01

Yeah, I agree. While doing something that you recognise as annoying, what are actually expecting to happen?

Are you trying to precipitate a showdown? Does that mean that you just can't persuade him to even take your point of view seriously? If that's the case then I think the point is that your relationship needs some work somewhere - where is the give from him? I am a bit confused by the dynamics of your relationship.

Ememem84 · 15/11/2014 09:05

I'd probably also get up even earlier and leave the house. Yes it's childish. But nothing else seems to have worked. So I'd give it a try.

paddlenorapaddle · 15/11/2014 09:06

Stop waiting for his permission to have a life, just go and get one

The truth is he doesn't give a shit about how you feel, and your attempts to voice your hurt feelings are met with derision, yes he feels guilty but not guilty enough to change

So get a life it will help you cope if you stay or help you leave if you need to.

He might just sit up and pay attention if you're less available

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 09:16

In truth I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by getting up, I wanted him to see I'm up and about, having to do the household chores, and not just lying in bed, whilst asking him to stay at home on a Saturday.

I believe that by actually seeing for himself that I'm up has worked more than him just knowing I've been woken up by him setting his alarm and getting up for work. So to this I have achieved "my aim".

From this onwards, I'm not sure, I may still get up early and go out next weekend, just to see what the reaction is, as some of you have stated if I'm not around and so easily available.

I know I should just get on with my day and not give a shit, but I do, It was supposed to be temporary and 13 months on, he still won't stop.

I am thinking of writing a few things down and letting him read it when he gets in, as I am so much more articulate on paper than when talking, I tend to go around in circles.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/11/2014 09:21

I believe that by actually seeing for himself that I'm up has worked more than him just knowing I've been woken up by him setting his alarm and getting up for work. So to this I have achieved "my aim".

He already knows. Firstly you've told him (in a healthy relationship this would be enough) and secondly it's obvious anyway. He just doesn't care.

ContentedSidewinder · 15/11/2014 09:24

Does he realise that if this is a deal breaker and you get divorced he would be expected not to work every other weekend as he would have sole charge of your son?

I am a SAHM so I do understand the "being there" and making it easier to go anywhere at anytime as the childcare element falls to you. But I have a DH who takes my feelings into consideration (his own Mum was a SAHM)

Does your son spend any one on one time with your DH?

simontowers2 · 15/11/2014 09:36

He actually sounds monumentally selfish. You do have a choice here OP. Continue moaning about this and getting yourself worked up for the next 30 years (he won't change as he quite obviously doesn't respect you enough). Or LTB.

mistlethrush · 15/11/2014 09:41

What would happen if you went out without him (with your DS) on Sunday?

Smartiepants79 · 15/11/2014 09:49

I presume as you do the paperwork you would know if the business was in trouble or how necessary it is that he is there working. It's unlikey he would be able to hide problems of this sort.
That said he is working at the weekend through choice.
Have you asked him why he feels being at work is more important than time with his DC? Does he understand the impact this could have on their relationship long term?
As the primary earner there is pressure on him to continue to provide. Do you think this bothers him? Does he just live to work?
A compromise would obviously be the ideal solution even if perhaps it was just that 1weekend a month is sacred family time. Would that be enough for you? Is there any way he can manipulate his hours so he is around more in the week?
I think a very serious conversation is in order with a few home truths.
You aren't making threats as such just laying out clearly the consequences of his decisions.

QuintsPlumpuddingInAStew · 15/11/2014 10:09

Long shot. I really dont think being childish and trying to prove a point is going to achieve anything more than reinforcing to him WHY he needs to stay away from. Coupled with the little work you do, and being a sahm, he might feel resentful and the Saturday work is HIS way of proving his point to you: That you should be out and earning.

How many kids do you have?

You need a serious talk with him. That you as a family have a couple of decisions to make. You would like to go out to work, and you cant now because you are tied to the home through doing accounting. He needs to find a bookkeeper that can take over the work that you do. You need to find a nursery for the children. You need to make a budget and research how much nursery is going to cost, and how much a book keeper will cost (we pay £500 per month for our bookkeeper - your business could be more, or less) and go from there. Tell him you will need a cleaner 3-4 hours a week (and more if cleaner does tidying and ironing), and find out what that will cost. In London it is £10 per hour.

This will achieve two things: You both get to explore the options, and put a figure on what you are bringing to the table, in terms of book keeping and childcare. It will also pave the way for you taking steps to end the marriage, as your position will be much better if you are working and able to be independent.

There is no point trying to make points, score points, and being annoying and childish. You need to address this from a different angle than him stopping to work saturdays.

Original poster
Questioning76 · 15/11/2014 11:02

I know he doesn't want me to go back to work. He's been very clear on this. We don't need the money, it would impact on the DC and obviously his ability to work whatever hours he wants.

He is going to work because he wants to. He loves his job. He works with good friends and feels he needs to do the hours for the business to succeed. I understand this and have married him knowing he was a "worker". But I just want some compromise.

He won't consider any compromise at all.

OP posts: