I Know I'm Childish, But He Needs to See

[Questioning76]

I'm sat here at 40, up at 6am, because my DH won't stop at home with us.

As part of his job, DH asked approx. 13 months ago if he could temporarily work a Saturday morning, "just for a bit", as things were so busy.

I agreed, reluctantly, (he works long hours, bank holidays, has one week off a year for a family holiday and 2 days for Christmas).

A month ago yesterday, I sat DH down and asked him to stop working the Saturdays as it was getting a bit much, I'm left dealing with the DC, we are all waiting for him to get home to do the parents visits on the Saturday, and the odd Saturday we did a family day, went out to attractions or had a movie day, obviously we can't do this now....

His answer ....... no, just no.

I asked why, he's too busy, when can you give them up, I asked, not for a while, or I don't know was the answer. I asked for a compromise of working 2, having 2 Saturdays off, no again was the answer, just no.

I gave up asking.

So now every Saturday when his alarm goes off I get up 5 minutes after him and start doing some jobs around the house as he's getting ready for work, (yes to annoy him).

He's just stormed out of the house, saying I'm pathetic, saying I should just stay in bed and have a lie-in, (a lie-in to both of us in about 7/7.30, due to DS7). I'm being childish. Yes I am, but he now gets to see that the alarm wakes me up, I can't get back to sleep so I get up and start on the jobs that I have to do on my own as hes not here, rather than before, where he goes off to work and thinks I'm having a nice lie in.

He is being very selfish.

On another note can he set a vibrate alarm instead under his pillow so it doesn't wake you?

My SIL has a DH just like this.he also goes abroad very frequently, sometimes for weeks. He is quite unwell due to a chronic health condition which he does the bare minimum to control.

So she worries, feels resentful and doesn't particularly enjoy the financial benefits.

She recognised she had choices: put up and be resentful therefore having a bad relationship, change him(ha!), or change herself.she has largely managed the last one. She and her dds have a nice life and he is welcome to join in when he's free. She's taken up a part time course which will lead to a paid career if she chooses and is loving the challenges. I can only suggest you try this option because ultimately you cannot change other people, only yourself. It's far from ideal.

Lastly,stay in bloody bed, woman! Martyrdom is highly overrated. Instigate Snuggle Saturdays whereby you all sit in bed eating toast and chatting etc. start to enjoy your time with your dc vs fuming about a man who won't change.

Please ignore this if it doesn't fit with your situation - but do you think he can be having an affair?

This was my experience:

I was an OW and the MM and I used to spend a lot of time together on a Saturday morning at his work. It suited him because he was at work (ie. he was where he said he would be and could answer the phone if his wife called him), it was easy for him to say he needed to be at work on a Saturday and difficult for his wife to question or challenge and there was rarely anyone else there so we could be alone together.

Is his Saturday work of the type that, if he doesn't turn up, others are affected (clients booked in, rota covered etc) - or is he simply doing more of what he does during the week, working on his own? If the latter, I would be sorely tempted to do the getting up earlier than him & saying sorry sweetheart, I've got things to do, you're on home duty today. He doesn't ask you if its ok if he works, so can hardly protest if you do the same sometimes.

Yes, get up at 5, be out before he is up.

He'll take the children to his mothers - so do it again next week.

He rages?

'Sorry, you won't compromise - so I've also stopped compromising.'

There seems to be no other option unless you simply continue to get walked over.

i'd be inclined to make a huge effort to have a jolly time every single saturday...go places, do exciting things, book tickets for you and the children

go off on a friday after school, and stay over in a hotel, go to see the London christmas lights (any big town will do! ;) )

Make fabulous plans for you and the children, and make sure he knows he is missing out. Ask if he wants to come and leave the invite hanging...if he chooses not to come then tough titties to him

Make a big palaver...exclude the miserable bugger and stop hanging about waiting for his sanction to continue your lives.

"he doesn't want me to go back to work."

But what do you want?

Aside from silly games?

Make him consider what he stands to lose!

Step two is to pave the way for him having to think about his life without you in it, if you go for 50/50 custody. Nursery fees, cleaner, book keeper, do his own chores, his own dinner, and care for his own kids.

Let him measure that up against having saturdays off.

It should not just be about what HE wants, and his inability to compromise. Let him picture his life if he does not compromise, it will be very different, and he will realize he has more to lose than just his Saturdays.

The first thing I would do is tell him you charge 25 pounds an hour, or whatever figure you choose. Then take that money and put it in your own account. If he does not like that, tough. He can hire a bookkeeper.

You have had lots of good advice. I particularly like you going away for the weekend.

Does he work til noon on Saturdays? Then I would leave the house at 11:30.

he doesn't want me to go back to work.
we would be loosing 4 times the wage I can bring in

Yes, but work isn't just about the money, is it? If work gave you equality and was meaningful to you, then given you aren't on the breadline, surely that is worth occasionally not optimising the amount of money you earn.

He applies his logic to himself already. You have enough money, he still works stupid hours because he loves his work. Why shouldn't you do work you love too despite not needing the money?

Of course he doesn't want you to work. He loves his work. He probably hates housework and homework and meal planning and laundry. I expect he much prefers not having to do them. Tough. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness so that he can do what he wants.

Besides you have sacrificed your career so that he could build his career to the extent that he earns four times what you earn. Surely it is your turn to build your career back up with some support from him.

How old are the DC?

I certainly wouldn't hang around the house on a weekend and would go for the trip away option. Center parcs, London , York is great for kids on a mainline and so on. Just don't expect him to cave in or change his behaviour because you do this.

Chances are he won't. I've come across loads of businessmen who have just let their wives do their own thing as they get such a kick out of working.

If he doesn't change then you have had a great time with your child , if he does change then that's great...but yes do it for you and your child.

This sounds awful OP. The fact he won't consider any sort of compromise and seems to disregard your feelings must leave you seething.

I do think though that rather than stomping around on a Saturday morning, you need to tell him straight that this issue has become a deal breaker for you.

Or you can do what other posters have suggested and live as if you are single. I have a friend who lives like this very happily. Her DH is MD of a company and is away a lot so she just plans to do everything without him. Her DC hardly know who he is to be honest, but he doesn't seem to care so long as he can keep working and keep up the facade of family life.

Only you really know how much of a deal breaker it really is for you and how much of an ultimatum you want to issue here. It doesn't seem as though he has any respect for you though and I wonder what you are getting out of this arrangement?

why are you only getting minimum wage?
Work isnt just about the money - perhaps YOU would like to do a job that you love and enjoy, and could start to work up the career ladder, if you wished.
Id stay getting up early and then go off for the whole weekend without him - if he wants to spend any time with you and DS at all then he needs to come too or lose out. Dont be sitting there waiting for him to become available. Id be out without him on the Sunday too.
Maybe if Saturdays are non negotiable, then washing is non negotiable too. Or dinner. Or the paperwork.

I'd be going out too. Tell the kids you're going to "place" for the weekend/day. Start doing fun family things on a Saturday instead of Sunday (if you currently do them on Sundays). Let him know that you're going and leave invite open. If he wants to come he can.

Sounds like my position exactly.

However things are changing for us. 13 years his mum died after a drawn out stay in hospital aged only 55. This year his dad died and it was drawn out (dementia) and he's feeling very guilty about both as he wasn't there enough for them.

I pointed out this was down to him, that I was concerned he'd be dead before retirement age and I'd be alone or have to cope with him in illness because he's not taking care of himself.

He'd said he'd go more round the house but I don't want that because he wouldn't cut back work hours to do it which would mean we'd get less quality time together and he'd never have time to look after himself.

I also committed the cardinal sin of telling him he was a shit manager! Managers manage people and delegate and train a good team to work for them, they do not do twice as much as the others as that's what workers do! If he can't trust his team then that's his fault for not developing them! His manager never did the hours he did and the others area heads don't.

So now, DH is working less but it'll take a while for his mindset to change.