Is anyone up? This is fucked and I need a handhold

[MrsKim]

DP has just come home plastered.

He went out after work, didn't reply to any of my calls or messages (he has form for this) while I stayed at home with DCs (6 and 3 months).

He proceeded to bang into stuff and retched into the loo. I asked him to sleep on the sofa. He refused and tried to get in bed with DD. I didn't feel safe letting him sleep next to her in that state so I lifted her into our bed.

I calmy asked him to go and sleep on the sofa. He refused to leave our room, denied he was drunk and patronisingly/sarcastically asked "Aw as it hard for you?" because one of my messages had mentioned that the DCs didn't have the best evening.

He eventually left and I closed the door to hear him calling me a cunt .

I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left is there?

My beautiful DD and DS are in bed with me and I am sat here bawling. They deserve better then this.

Sorry to refer to you in the third person MrsKim. Hope you are OK.

That's unfair baking.

I posted in the middle of the night while upset and shocked. If I had included every single detail and bit of background in the OP it would have been too long for anyone to even read never mind reply to.

I can't decide which version of my DP is the truth because I honestly don't know myself. I am hugely confused and having nobody at all to confide in means that it is all swirling around my head constantly. Posting here is the only objective viewpoint I have access to.

He is mostly great and we are mostly content. And occasionally but repeatedly he has been utterly foul to me and called me horrible names.

I don't know which version is how he sees me. The mother of his children who he claims to love. Or someone he can call horrible names, ignore and take for granted as a babysitter.

Fwiw he hasn't made much effort to apologise. One text that didn't mention his behaviour at home, just saying that his phone's vibration wasn't on.

I don't know what to do. Just let it blow over once more and then have it happen again in 6 months. I don't think that's fair and I think I deserve better.

I think you are right scallop. Sometimes we so desperately want to believe that we have a great partner because knowing we are with some-one who is less than ideal forces us to have to make hard decisions. With her subsequent posts, it does indicate potential EA problems with this man but she has to formulate this in her mind and decide what to do

I'm not being unfair or having a go at you but can you not see that had you given some of the extra information you have since supplied that responses, my own included, would have been different. It's fine to occasionally go and and get drunk and maybe act a bit out of character but there is obviously a whole lot of other issues in your relationship

How can he be mostly great and fine but repeatedly call you horrible names? It's now obvious that he calls you unpleasant names on a regular basis which you find deeply upsetting. That's not evidence of a caring, thoughtful, respectful partner if he does something that he knows causes you anguish. If it makes you unhappy then you have to do something about it and you are perfectly entitled to get out of this relationship

OP, I don't really understand the comment about people having a go at you? I really have only seen people trying to suggest things that might help, on the basis of the information you have given.

Personally I see your isolation as the worst problem, whether or not you decide to stay with your partner.

What would you be advising if your dd was saying this to you about her partner?

I think I could continue in a relationship like this if my dp took on board what a bastard he'd been, promised not to get drunk again (and followed up on that) and basically took on board how badly he'd behaved. But if he went out and did it again, that would be it. You must have been frightened and worried. It's not acceptable to call you a cunt, or turn his phone off like that (what if there was an emergency at home?!)

You really need to build your social circle though, I know it's tough but you leave yourself so vulnerable if you know no one else.

I would leave anyone that called me a cunt. There is no way I could live happily in a domestic situation and cook and do stuff and have sex with someone that called me a cunt no matter whether they were drunk, sober or bent in two, painted blue and re-christened Harold!

My parents nearly broke themselves trying to raise us kids and there is no way I would betray them by letting some arsewipe gobshite work his magic in this way with me. I think you need to get a damn sight angrier than you are OP. A damn sight angrier. Your beautiful kids are going to grow up hearing this load of old clart and all - Lovely! They are relying on you to allow them to be raised in a safe feeling and secure feeling environment. Your DP doing this twice a year is the opposite of providing that environment. You and only you, can change this.

Couldn't agree more gelf. There is no stressful situation and we have been through a few corkers in our time that would see me forgive or forget or even want to understand why someone would call me a cunt. Ever

I think there is a line in relationships. Shouting in your partners face, calling them a cunt, turning your phone off would be crossing the line for me.

Once the line has been crossed there is no going back. I have been in a hideous relationship, many lines were crossed. I will never do it again.

Fwiw he hasn't made much effort to apologise.

That's how much he thinks of you??

You don't really believe that occasionally but repeatedly he has been utterly foul to me and called me horrible names is balanced out by mostly great and we are mostly content ... do you?

Good husbands don't repeatedly behave like he has done. And good fathers don't give this example of relationship behaviour to their children to learn by.

Think about getting some counselling for yourself to help you work out what you want to happen. Because you really don't want to be in the same situation this time next year.

Behaviours don't cancel each other out you know!

Also, I think you would be sensible to 'log' this behaviour by sending him an email setting out exactly what he did last night. Just a simple list, setting out his actions, no emotion, e.g.

"last night you were so drunk that you: a) b) c)" (tried to get in bed with child, vomited, called me a c*nt, etc., every single point to illustrate what happened)

I think Twinkle's idea is a good one. I wonder if he's actually aware of what he did.

I agree with logging it by email. The bottom line is not whether other posters would tolerate this in their relationship but do you wish to.

I wouldn't. Not once. I also think some people behave as badly as another will tolerate.