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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone up? This is fucked and I need a handhold

90 replies

MrsKim · 15/11/2014 01:39

DP has just come home plastered.

He went out after work, didn't reply to any of my calls or messages (he has form for this) while I stayed at home with DCs (6 and 3 months).

He proceeded to bang into stuff and retched into the loo. I asked him to sleep on the sofa. He refused and tried to get in bed with DD. I didn't feel safe letting him sleep next to her in that state so I lifted her into our bed.

I calmy asked him to go and sleep on the sofa. He refused to leave our room, denied he was drunk and patronisingly/sarcastically asked "Aw as it hard for you?" because one of my messages had mentioned that the DCs didn't have the best evening.

He eventually left and I closed the door to hear him calling me a cunt Sad.

I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left is there?

My beautiful DD and DS are in bed with me and I am sat here bawling. They deserve better then this.

OP posts:
Yikesivedoneitagain · 15/11/2014 03:17

Fucker. Dirty bastard Envy. Yes, leave him and his sick to fester. Try that small talk trick at the party, never know, you might meet someone interesting there?

Do you think you can get some sleep now?

Original poster
MrsKim · 15/11/2014 03:20

I couldn't move home.

  1. I couldn't do that to DP regardless of his crimes. And the DCs would suffer too.
  1. I don't think I would want to. It's not where I belong anymore (where is eh?).

To answer your question, I am pretty good with small talk. There are at least 10 parents that I feel comfortable having a chat to. Usually about school stuff and holidays etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKim · 15/11/2014 03:24

rooty you've just made me cry.

I think I am stuck. And I feel less and less like me every single time something like this happens.

I love my DCs more than I ever even imagined was possible pre-kids but boy do I miss having a job/friends/nights out/independence/a life.

OP posts:
rootypig · 15/11/2014 03:31

Ah OP. I'm sorry. This is tough stuff, isn't it. Mind bendingly tough. I could never have known how hard it is before I had DD. How I wish I had.

Do you love him?

Yikesivedoneitagain · 15/11/2014 03:37

Rooty is completely right. I have been deliberating over my decision to leave for over a year. That year has included my husband doing some dreadful things, and each time me saying 'that's it - I've had enough', but I haven't felt able to just leave before this. It has been a process. A backwards and forwards.

I am projecting, completely. But think about why what Rooty said made you cry.

Coyoacan · 15/11/2014 03:49

I'm all for SAHMs, but maybe it would suit you to go back to work, OP, and break this isolation.

I know how hard it can be to make friends with other mums, sometimes the click is there, sometimes it isn't. Small children are lovely, but exhausting and we all need adult company.

rootypig · 15/11/2014 04:04

Oh Yikes, me too. Longer than a year. And every time you issue an ultimatum and don't act on it, you become weaker. I've realised that. One hundred thousand desperate, failed ultimatums later Sad

OP it's ok if you can't leave. But, some advice for the now: don't tell yourself you will when you won't. Don't shout that you are when you're not. That really does for you. Tell yourself a different story. This is tough and I will leave someday, but not right now.

Bluebelle38 · 15/11/2014 04:48

I'd leave the puke there and let him see it in the morning.

His behavior needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency. If you came home in that state, called him an asshole and left puke everywhere, I'm sure he would not stand for it.

Hope you are ok x

MellowAutumn · 15/11/2014 05:49

He has obviously been an arsehole tonight however it would drive me nuts if my oh had no other social outlets than me.

lunar1 · 15/11/2014 06:08

I hope you got some sleep.

FrontForward · 15/11/2014 06:16

I'm sure right now the future looks uncertain and you cannot imagine it being different. Small steps...

I agree about working. Even if it just pays for childcare it will stop you feeling so isolated. Just a part time job that gives you contact with people.

You sound like a funny lovely person who has just lost yourself under a blanket of motherhood. Don't let DP lead you to think that it's you. A lot of your comments are minimising his horrid behaviour and taking blame onto yourself. You are not to blame for his behaviour last night.

If it was me I'd be staying put but biding my time assessing my options. Just don't drift like that for too long. Make a decision and carry it through

  1. leave and find happiness on your own
  2. insist on change and make it happen

Both options are not going to be easy. Both require a lot of work, change, confronting the issues and won't be pretty for either of you. The alternative is 3) suck it up.

ShesAnEasyWuffer · 15/11/2014 06:41

When you say you're from NI, do you still live there or are you living in England? If you're anywhere in Sussex I'd love to be your friend.

Hope you managed to get some sleep. A bit late to this thread but I'm here handholding too Flowers

ShesAnEasyWuffer · 15/11/2014 06:43

Just seen your post saying you're in England. I should rtft properly Blush

BastardGoDarkly · 15/11/2014 07:01

Morning op, I hope you got some sleep, and don't feel too rough.

I honestly think if you had a life of your own, these isolated (and they are isolated aren't they?) Incidents wouldn't have you considering leaving your otherwise happy marriage.

Don't get me wrong, he shouldn't have called you a cunt, but if it was said walking away, from behind a closed door, it wouldn't be the crime of the century to me, he was drunk.

He should be allowed to go out and get drunk occasionally without having to check in with your at all really, but I get that with your anxiety issues it would be nice for him to let you know he's ok.

Just another pov from me, certainly leave the toilet for him to clean.

And go to the party, try and get yourself some friends, believe me when I say I'm not mainstream either, and don't make friends easily. What are your interests? Could you find a group to go to?

Zumba class is a great start!

WannaBe · 15/11/2014 07:33

How often does this happen op? It's easy to want to ltb in the heat of a horrible moment, but does the bad outweigh the good to the extent that your relationship is the price to pay for it?

It's not ok to call you names, but equally everyone is entitled to be able to go out without having to constantly check in. that can be utterly suffocating, especially if as you say it's rare that he goes out.

You need to have a talk in the light of day, and you need to try to find your own outlets too. It doesn't sound as if your dp is preventing you from having friends, but that parenthood has put you in this place.

Frogisatwat · 15/11/2014 07:35

Im going to go against the majority. Sometimes being inebriated can turn a nice person vile. I know because I was down right vile and verbally abusive to my former partner on two occasions. The solution was for me not to get drunk again and I haven't even though we are no longer together. I do think I am a fairly decent person but too much to drink made me nasty and snippy. But I did love him and felt out relationship was worth more than getting hammered. Getting that drunk is dangerous and stupid whether you are in a relationship or not.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2014 07:49

Good morning OP, hope you got some sleep? There are lots of us here if you need to talk Flowers

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 08:04

One option I thought of, reading through, is whether you'd stay in the relationship on the condition of him not going out drinking?

Joysmum · 15/11/2014 08:09

Hope you got some sleep OP.

If this doesn't happen often, can it not be talked about? Personally I think the time to do do isn't now, leave it a few days as you've said he's thoughtful most of the time and you pester him too much and lack your own life.

I've been there too. It's all too easy to be in the middle of a bad patch and escalate things. Talk when he's recovered and you're both working well together. This isn't just about his behaviour last night, it's as much about your own lack of life. Do something about that.

Longtalljosie · 15/11/2014 08:16

Cut her a break re the social life, her youngest is 3 months old! When you say he got in bed with DD, is that the 6 year old or the 3 month old?

Obviously having to check in the entire time would be oppressive, but I consider it basic manners to a) let your partner know where you're going and roughly when you expect to be home and b) to send a text if you're going to be much later than that. DH and I have an understanding he'll text me if he's going to be home after midnight - which is v unusual so would worry me if I woke up at 1am and he wasn't back.

bakingaddict · 15/11/2014 08:21

Only you know if your relationship is working properly but you said that your DP doesn't go out drinking much and at other times is a responsible parent and partner.

Since the kids me and DH don't go out much but i've been on a couple of nights out were i've been very worse for wear and vice versa. We are both normally responsible parents but at times we've just gone a little too far relaxing from everyday life. Now though on the rare occasion when one of us goes out the other just automatically sleeps in the spare room.

Is your isolation and lack of a life away from your DP and kids creating this extra anxiety. I would start looking to have some interests away from the kids and your DP. Lots of local colleges do courses for fun, i've done a few on cake decorating and it's a nice way to met people with similar interests.

Original poster
MrsKim · 15/11/2014 08:27

Thanks everyone. Managed a few hours sleep.

  1. I don't expect him to check in constantly when he's out. I have zero problem with him going out with his friends. But last night, like the other times, he basically leaves work and turns his phone off (although claims it magically breaks every time it's pub time Hmm ) making himself completely uncontactable.

All I want is to know he's ok and when he'll be home. He didn't have keys last night so I had to wait up to let him in.

I think letting your partner know when you'll be home and being contactable when you have a small baby falls under common courtesy rather than a big ask?

  1. I'm not getting a job anytime soon. DS is 3 months old! I am exclusively breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I am enjoying my gorgeous baby too much to get a low paid job that might not even pay for childcare. Once DS is bigger then yes of course I plan to get a job but not right now.

To be honest I'm surprised so many of you think it was acceptable behaviour. He was right up in my face mocking me and being really aggressive. Ten years ago I would have laughed if someone told me my lovely DP was capable of such nasty behaviour Sad .

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 15/11/2014 08:38

Erm, you didn't say any of that before. Of course that's not acceptable Hmm

Posters are just trying to help your feelings of loneliness and isolation re getting a job, there's no need for the !!!??

Original poster
MrsKim · 15/11/2014 08:43

Say any of what before Bastard?

It clearly says in my OP that DS is 3 months old. A few posts later that I'm breastfeeding and that DS is sleeping with me.

In another of my posts I said that I expected him to check because he has gone AWOL more than once in the past.

What exactly is new information to you??

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/11/2014 08:45

I don't think it's acceptable at all, he's a total arsehole and you yourself say he's a dickhead. I really think you need to think about leaving.