Is anyone up? This is fucked and I need a handhold

[MrsKim]

DP has just come home plastered.

He went out after work, didn't reply to any of my calls or messages (he has form for this) while I stayed at home with DCs (6 and 3 months).

He proceeded to bang into stuff and retched into the loo. I asked him to sleep on the sofa. He refused and tried to get in bed with DD. I didn't feel safe letting him sleep next to her in that state so I lifted her into our bed.

I calmy asked him to go and sleep on the sofa. He refused to leave our room, denied he was drunk and patronisingly/sarcastically asked "Aw as it hard for you?" because one of my messages had mentioned that the DCs didn't have the best evening.

He eventually left and I closed the door to hear him calling me a cunt .

I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left is there?

My beautiful DD and DS are in bed with me and I am sat here bawling. They deserve better then this.

Get out for the day. Get ready now, and just go. You need some headspace. Doesn't particularly matter where, but if you have a local shopping centre just head there - there will be place to rest, feed, change, and perhaps a softplay area. Leave the house, leave any housework, and leave him to fester. Look after yourself and your children. Because he won't.

That he was 'mocking you right in your face' and 'being very aggressive' .

No one had said any of its acceptable, just offered the opinion that it wouldn't be worth finishing an otherwise thoughtful and supportive partner for.

But only you know how bad it is.

In my OP I described how he was mocking me by saying "Aw was it hard for you?" in regard to me being at home with the DCs.

I thought I adequately described his manner. Apologies if I didn't.

I am up and showered and have let the dog out. Going to feed my DS, get both DCs ready and head out.

No this isn't acceptable behaviour MrsKim and you don't have to put up with it.

The mocking, the aggression and the vile words he used against you show an underlying disrespect for you. The switching off the phone shows an underlying disrespect.

Can I ask why you stayed up for him to let him and didn't just let him fester without his house keys (which after all are his responsibility)?

Do you think he cares about the impact he has on you? Do you think this is likely to get better or worse? At what point is your 'line in the sand'?

My advice (as clearly you aren't in a place yet where leaving is an option for you) is to start writing down every time he speaks to you in a way that hurts you/makes you feel uncomfortable - whether he's drunk or sober.

I think you may be unpleasantly surprised.

He was right up in your face being aggressive? you said this wasn't the first time, is every time he comes home drunk he turns into this arsehole?

I am not going tell you to ltb, as that is your choice. But I been a single mum for the last month, I too like you was worried about money but I am actually better off as I have all the control and I get enough to pay all the bills and rent.

I think when a man starts calling you a cunt he has lost all respect for you. Vile word to call a woman and men know this.

My stbxh became EA after the kids were born. I stayed for ten years becoming gradually worn down and depressed. It started out like this, he would be ok day to do then drink lager and become aggressive and intimidating and verbally abusive.

Given that you have a 3 month old ds and that abuse starts or escalates with the birth of a baby, i advise you to keep your eyes wide open to the situation OP, because abuse tends to follow a trajectory: it gets worse.

for you

no-one said that it was acceptable. But there is a difference between behaviors within a relationship which are unacceptable in themselves but can be dealt with with discussion and a relationship itself being abusive/controlling etc. Everyone has the capacity to behave in an unacceptable manner from time to time, without exception. But when people do it doesn't mean that a relationship is beyond repair. If your dp goes out once a week/month and behaves like this then it is a serious problem. If he goes out once every two/three years and behaves like this then it is still unacceptable, but less of a long-term issue in context of the whole relationship - iyswim.

I understand that going back to work isn't an option for you atm with such a young baby. But isolation is real and it will only get better if you do something about it. And you've said you don't do baby groups, so how are you going to tackle the isolation? it will only get worse not better if you don't. Believe me op I have been there and it can be soul destroying, but by turning down all options to tackle it you're not helping the situation yourself.

I think WannaBe is absolutely right - we all have our boundaries, and some crappy behaviour by our partner can be accepted from time to time. The problem is when your boundaries are eroded, and you don't even know what to think anymore.

Have a lovely day with your children, and really take note of what he says when you get home. Does he remember? When you tell him, how does he react? Think about how horrified you would be if you had behaved that way - is he as remorseful as you would (I'm guessing) be?

He got drunk and behaved awfully.
You don't like some of the responses that you have read.
I get that you're tired / anxious / breastfeeding / everything is normally lovely in your relationship.
I hope you heard what you needed to hear through the night. It's abrupt to suddenly say you're off.

She knows this is wrong Yikes. And she knows that she shouldn't have to endure it. That's why she's posted. Perhaps we should trust her judgement and stop minimising his behaviour?

I hear you Wannabe.

I'm not deliberately trying to cut myself off. I would do baby groups if I thought they'd help but I did all that with DD and it wasn't fun. I tried and tried but found the groups quite cliquey. I did baby group, baby signing, baby massage, breastfeeding cafe etc.

I think I'm focusing solely on my DC as they are the one thing in my life I haven't failed at. The one thing I do brilliantly. Staying at home cosy with DS is easier than putting myself out there I suppose.

DP does this probably twice a year. It's not very often and if I was feeling resilient and secure in our relationship then I would probably be able to attribute it to stupid drunkenness. But I'm not.

I agree that his reaction is key. And by that I mean his reaction in the cold light of day when he's sober.

I once got drunk at a friend's house (I don't drink normally), came home and had a row with my then dh. I don't remember how I got home or what the row was about or what I said. But h's reaction the next morning was to get up and go to work clearly upset by what had happened, something which i couldn't defend because I couldn't remember it.

I was horrified. Horrified that I couldn't remember how I'd got home, horrified that I'd had a row that I couldn't remember, horrified that I'd allowed myself to get into that state in the first place. We were having issues at the time but they were not related to this particular incident - iyswim.

The solution - I never got into that state again.

She hasn't said she's off . She's said she's going out with her children. Presumably in answer to TwinkleDust.

why are you not feeling secure in your relationship?

I didn't say I was bailing on the thread. I was replying to the poster who suggested I go out for the day. Jesus, people are very keen to have a go aren't they.

It's a very long story Wannabe but the period leading up to my pregnancy was rough. We were both lashing out at each other.

Since finding out I was pregnant things have been calm and lovely.

I do still love him. I feel familiarity and fondness and we still have a great laugh together etc. But I don't get excited when he comes home at night the way I used to. There is very little passion. I suppose that's to be expected after 13 years.

I don't think crappy behaviour is ever acceptable I have been with dp 23 years and he as never spoken to me like that nor me to him and we never would! I think minimising it and saying it is ok within certain relationships is very dangerous ground. All of you who would even think of accepting this need to expect more

/no-one said it was ok, but that any relationship has the capacity to enter into the realms of unacceptable behavior even if just as a one off. But e.g. someone calling their partner a c* as a one off wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker if the relationship is otherwise happy. There are of course one-off dealbreakers such as physical violence but not every instance of behavior which as a whole would be unacceptable is unacceptable in isolation. iyswim.

Op - every relationship goes through difficult patches. it's how we come through those that defines where the relationship is going. You say you don't feel excited when he comes home any more, but do remember that you've just had a baby, life has changed for you all very recently and it takes time to get back on track after that. Especially if you're in a position where you don't have a babysitter and are bf on demand it's not as simple to go out for a meal and have some time just for you. But can you find another way? get a takeaway when the kids are in bed? watch a film? hell go to m&s and buy a dine in for two meal deal and make it nice. It doesn't have to be extravagant or even away from the house to be special. And communication, communication, communication is the key to everything. If you can communicate to him why you feel so insecure, and he can communicate why he feels the need to overreact, and you can communicate why this is unacceptable to you then given you otherwise appear to have a happy and loving relationship there is always hope of getting that back if that's what you want.

His behaviour is not acceptable and other people have given you good advice about that. However, I think you need to take some control of your life as well so that you are not so dependant on this man and so that you have some real-life people to chat to and confide in and to help you separate his behaviour into unacceptable and ok. If you have no friends and don't work, it will skew your ideas of what is normal.

I get that baby groups can be cliquey but have you tried at all with this baby? Or are you relying on your experiences from your dd 6 years ago? You have admitted yourself that you stay home with your ds partly from fear of trying new things or putting yourself "out there". If you really don't want to do baby things, can you try making friends through your dc's school instead - get involved in the PTA, attend a coffee morning, that kind of thing?

What do you like to do? If it's reading, join a book group, if it's exercise, can you go to a class even one evening a week? You mentioned not working because of the new baby but what did you do beforehand when it was just your dd and she was at school? Is there something which you might like to do in the future which you could already start investigating, even just by reading up about it? Things for YOU will make you feel more in control and if you do separate from your DP will at least give you a support network of sorts.

It is ok say that you won't accept this. I wouldn't accept this.

Hi I don't know if this will help but try contacting your local home start,have a look online and see if there's one near by,they offer support,help and run play groups.maybe you'd has some one else to confide in and meet new people.i hope you find some answers soon

Also here anytime if you need a chat,I'm fairly new on here but there seems to be a massive support and every one seems very friendly

MrsK, it may seem to you like people are keen to have go because on one hand you say that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and that he was very aggressive. On the other hand you say you love him and that he is a very supportive husband. Posters can only go on what you say.

You have drip fed information and say you only experience this twice a year when your DH only goes out on the lash. MNs hear some truly dreadful stories on here and in comparison going out twice a year might seem less horrendous. I really understand that last night was truly horrendous for you. it may be the case that you can have a chat with him and sort it out when he sobers up and cleans up after himself.

There is good and bad on MN but in my experience most posters are genuinely trying to provide advice based on their own experiences so that they can help posters like you who are going through a tough time. I hope you can work it out. Rearing young children is very tough and especially without the support of family and friends nearby.

Someone calling me a cunt would always be a dealbreaker for me.

It's what is underlying that name calling that is the problem. It doesn't happen in isolation.

What you initially gave was a narrative without context. You informed people that your DH goes out very rarely, gets a bit drunk and although acted like a wanker is at other times thoughtful, respectful partner. The comment about you not managing with the kids was again given without any background explanation

Now you are posting that he was aggressive and in your face and that your relationship has been unstable for long periods of time. Decide which version of your DH you want to portray, is he a mostly supportive and respectful partner or a partner you have EA issues but I don't imagine he is both. Firstly you accept what your partner actually is then people can give you appropriate advice

Maybe she doesn't know bakingaddict? Maybe she is exploring it herself?