The parents want to see me...but I don't want to see them.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

anyone free for a bit of hand holding or generally telling me what to do? Kicks and pull-yourself-togethers welcome too.

I've posted before about the parents in stately homes. Mother with ms, as well as general p a stuff. Historic sexual abuse with the step father. They live 300+ miles away, including a ferry journey. In the spring I was at a family gathering and the step father began making "how's your pussy" type comments. I walked out. We've had little contact since then, mainly fortnightly phone calls. This is too much for me, not enough for then.

Now they are wanting to see me. They've been asking since June time and I've said I'm busy, but have now agreed to go between Christmas and new year.

I'm currently three weeks out of hospital following an od. I don't feel strong enough to do most stuff, still quite low. The family know nothing about this.

I don't want to see them. But if I cancel and don't, they will be upset and angry. But if I go, the worry and anxiety about seeing them makes the whole trying-to-feel-better thing harder.

So I have no clue what to do. I don't want to go, but I also don't want to hurt them by cancelling as we've never discussed why I don't see them much.

What would you do if you were me? Go? Or cancel?

Thank you for not telling me to man up about it. I had no clue which way it would go, and was prepared to be told I'm an adult and therefore to just get over it and go.

How do I go NC? Tell them?

She encouraged you to miss school?

Right then, I'm going to be frank with you....

She doesn't give a shit about and never has done. No parent in their right mind would encourage their kid to miss school to look after them. No parent would not take an interest in their kids lives and EVERY parent would have twigged that SOMETHING was wrong around about the time the abuse started.

She doesn't care, she just wants you to run around after her, someone to moan at and more than likely, blame when they are not there...(common feature from my mother, that one.)

Time to start looking after yourself love. You are starting to with ignoring the calls and texts. It's time to take another step and tell them where to go.

You'll feel shit about it at first but when that clears, you'll start remembering. Remembering all the things that you didn't think mattered but really did. All those little things that you've forgotten about and then you'll build up a picture. You'll take a look at that picture and it's horrible BUT, you'll be in a much better position to deal with it.

You can only do this if you allow yourself the space from them to do this.

You can tell them if you want, or just do it...you won't be talking to them anyway so why give them a reason to start hassling and getting nasty.

Just stop. Block their numbers if you can, that'll be great for you if you can do that.

Don't go! I would tell your mum why and then go non contact! Have a fantastic Christmas even if it means buying rucks of pressies for yourself and having a ready to roast turkey all to yourself. Shroud yourself in self love xxxx

I've seen a therapist for about three years, mainly to help deal with the parents and the after effects/coping mechanisms I developed as I teenager (classic, textbook stuff). I've got the support from her if I stopped speaking and seeing them entirely.

But I know they don't have that support and I worry that I'll really hurt them. I'm her only child and being a parent was allegedly the most important thing to her

I've done Christmas by myself for about the last two or three years, and I'm fine about that. It's lonely but I'd rather that than the panic of knowing I'll be visiting. Does that make sense?

Is there any way you could bring yourself to write your mum a letter explaining what went on, and why you can't see her?

Maybe start by talking it over with your therapist, to prepare yourself for your mum's possible reactions?

Sounds as though you've already made your mind up.

What are you getting yourself for Christmas then?

(I buy my own too and I've really spoilt myself this year again )

Gosh op, yes, nc...

I have a different background to you, but still very fucked up - alcoholic, violent father...

I'm not nc, but I live on the other half of the world - as good as nc. I recommend it, if it is an option for you.

My Db's partner suffered historic sex abuse from her 'd'f. At the time the df was dying with terminal cancer and when it all came out he still remained in that family home to die. I don't know all the ins and outs of it, but I feel so sorry for perhaps-one-day sil because its like a tacit acceptance of the situation. I guess I'm trying to say that your Mum excusing his 'pussy' comment is just not on. I get that you're concerned about her ms and who she will depend on, but you need to put yourself first... Wishing you the very best, you deserve a happy life

You need to tell your mum about ur step father. Tell about the sexual abuse and the pussy comments as this is just going to keep bubbling. U will feel much better when the truth is out and if ur mum knows then she might start to understand why u been hiding from her to avoid seeing him. And it will break her heart if she loves him. He doesn't deserve u to protect and keep his dirty filthy secrets. U will be better off doing what ur doing without the offers of seeing him. The truth hurts but it will make things better I assure u. I been there done it with families. Just feeling safe and the knowing that my kids are safe and not having to sit on a dirty filthy minded animal.

Dm relies on him as her carer 24/7. If she knew she would have to chose between him and me, and would obviously chose him.

I could write it down and tell her but I don't want to make things worse for her. Yes she is just as bad, although in different ways but I don't think she could hear it about herself whereas he will know it's wrong.

Does that make sense?

Do not visit these people under any circumstances, doing that just opens you up to being further abused by the two of them.

Your mother is not worthy of the term. She has chosen (for her own reasons, mainly ones of self interest and inherent selfishness) to stay with this man and has put him always and above you.

You're worried about hurting them because you are a reasonable person. They have never worried at all about hurting you and do not deserve an ounce of your own consideration. FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) are three of many damaging legacies left to their now adult offspring by such people.

I would suggest you go no contact with them, even the two weekly phone calls is too much because those still obligate you. Block all their means of communication to you. They do not deserve to have you in their lives.

caulkhead No, don't go .

It's a shame about your mum but you need to consider your own health and she wasn't much of a mum to you. Those godawful horrible comments - she should be recoiling from her partner and protecting you.

I don't agree that every mother knows that abuse is going on - not at all - but in this case the signs were there. It's hard to believe she didn't suspect.

Going NC? Use call screening, set up a special email folder that her mails go into. Answer when you are ready. Let yourself answer less and less gradually.

Or, as stubbornstains says, write her a letter. But while on the whole honest communication is the best policy, I believe, in this case I'm not so sure. Assuming your mother does love you in her own strange and demanding way and assuming that she really didn't know about the abuse, or closed her suspicions down, it would be devastating. It's a question of would it be kinder to leave her not knowing, or kinder to present the truth. Actually in this case I'd come down on the side of not telling her.

I do think you are entirely justified in going NC tho. It will hurt them but you absolutely need to look after yourself. It's ok to do that.

I think your mother has learnt what he is really like and has tacitly accepted his abuse of you because she needs him for her own reasons.

Your mother is not interested in you and likely never has been, all recent comments from you are about her and her miserable life now. Leave them to their miserable existance and do not be dragged at all further into their dysfunctional world.

I really appreciate you all talking to me, thank you.

Can you go to the police?

What would happen if it did?

Reporting it to the police can wait, you're clearly not ready for that. You've got enough to deal with.

Op please note that not one person had suggested that you go to visit them.

I am also an only child and I can understand why you're reluctant to cut contact. (Although i bloody would)

If you could wave a magic wand abs have exactly what you want, real live complications aside, how would YOU ideally like things to go from here?

I would advise you to write to your mother telling her what happened. And try never to see that man ever again because you don't have to. If you can manage to have some level of contact with your mum without him being there then good, but really it's alright I get it off your chest. Give your mum time to do the right thing before it is too late. You deserve it and it's alright to bring it out into the open, regardless of what they will say. X

OP I would cancel and go no contact.

Caulk, I dont know what would happen. I asked because I often see in the papers how victims report historical abuse to the police and they feel better for having done so.

Fucking hell.

Me and partner think we have problems with one set of parents/ILs, but this puts it all in perspective.

Nothing to add, apart from hope it all works out well for you.

I'd like to never see them again. Rhys frightening, but less so than seeing them iyswim

So knowing that, the first step is to say I'm not going at Christmas, yes? Then decide what I want them to know (if anything). How does that sound?

(I'm terrified writing and thinking about this, so thanks for being gentle )

Still frightening, not Rhys!