The parents want to see me...but I don't want to see them.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

anyone free for a bit of hand holding or generally telling me what to do? Kicks and pull-yourself-togethers welcome too.

I've posted before about the parents in stately homes. Mother with ms, as well as general p a stuff. Historic sexual abuse with the step father. They live 300+ miles away, including a ferry journey. In the spring I was at a family gathering and the step father began making "how's your pussy" type comments. I walked out. We've had little contact since then, mainly fortnightly phone calls. This is too much for me, not enough for then.

Now they are wanting to see me. They've been asking since June time and I've said I'm busy, but have now agreed to go between Christmas and new year.

I'm currently three weeks out of hospital following an od. I don't feel strong enough to do most stuff, still quite low. The family know nothing about this.

I don't want to see them. But if I cancel and don't, they will be upset and angry. But if I go, the worry and anxiety about seeing them makes the whole trying-to-feel-better thing harder.

So I have no clue what to do. I don't want to go, but I also don't want to hurt them by cancelling as we've never discussed why I don't see them much.

What would you do if you were me? Go? Or cancel?

[yongnian]

Also adding voice to 'don't go...,and go NC'
OP you deserve far far more than this and these people do not deserve your time or energy for a second longer.
This would be the biggest Christmas present you could give yourself to get away from them entirely.

Keep posting people here will support you. X

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

Sounds fair.

[andsmile]

Dear OP. Look after yourself. You are allowed, entitled to do this. Give yourself permission to put yourself before their feelings.

You are worrying about hurting their feelings making them feel bad - but what about how they have made you feel bad? Relationships work both ways - trust, love respect they are all earned - I think you should explore this with your therapist about the concern you have...

This is a time to put yourself first, self care, protection from further stress, doing what you need to recover.

They are adults you are not and dont have to be responsible for them, only child or not.

I wish you well and a steady safe recovery.

[Meerka]

Yes, that sounds good.

Talk it over with your therapist too. And post here or on Stately Homes for support =)

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

The therapist is great, but it's hard to just listen to her, because she is the only person who says no don't go, and always with a fair and "therapy" head on. (If that makes sense)

[Hatespiders]

Glad to hear your therapist would be a support if you decided to go nc.
Please please find the strength to end all contact. You're right about the first step, not seeing them at Christmas. Hold on tight to that glimmer of light, and do it.
Then when you're feeling stronger and able to advance, break all ties with them both. Completely. They will manage fine without you.

My sister and I detached finally and forever from our abusive parents after years of abuse. They snivelled and moaned to anyone who would listen, but we were happy at last, safe and peaceful. It was blissful and we never looked back.
I wish you the same resolution OP.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Do people say that they are going NC, or do they just do it? I'm worried they might not know what was happening if I just didn't contact them any more.

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

I didn't bother telling mine. That was 2 years ago. It will be 3 on Boxing day.

[BonzoDooDah]

Another voice saying don't go. They don't deserve you. I would write to your mother explaining why you want nothing to do with her partner. If you can meet with her and guaranteed for him not to be there then do but otherwise say you're not asking her to choose as you have already chosen. You have chosen not to be exposed to abuse from SF.
If she really wants to see you she will arrange some way to be somewhere you can meet her. If not - you don't go, you don't see her.
Be strong - look after yourself - coz they sure as hell haven't done when they bloody well should have.

[BonzoDooDah]

It also sounds like you still care a bit for your mother so going NC might not be best for you as you may stress. If you tell her you are not going to visit but maybe send them a message (by email?) Twice a year saying you're still alive ... would that do it?

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm not sure if I care about her. Sometimes I think I do, but then I remember stuff and think about things and I hate her so much. In a bizarre, crazy way, the od gave me some thinking time about relationships and family and stuff.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Preciousbane- I remember you supporting me after I left the family do. Thanks for still being here.

One issue is I know dm will die soon from the ms. She has it very severely and had little autoimmunity. A tiny bit of me wants to wait till then, but in the big picture I can see that wouldn't help if that makes sense.

[BOFster]

Adding my voice to the chorus here. Especially as it sounds like you've got the support of your therapist (and mumsnet!) to go NC.

[Only1scoop]

Caulk I remember your recent thread and you've been through the mill lately....don't be putting yourself under all this added stress.

[Meerka]

such a difficult situation.

caulkhead, woudl it help to think about how you will feel in the future?

If you go NC and look back in 15 years' time, will you be glad or regret it?

If you go very LC (email twice a year) will you be glad or regret it in 15 years' time?

If you stay as it is, ditto. Glad or regret it in 15 years' time?

[BOFster]

It sounds like her illness (and your compassion, which does you credit) is a major part of you continuing to keep in touch with your mother. The thing is, crappy people who are no good for us do get sick and die just as often as lovely ones, even though it often doesn't seem like it. It's not in your control, it's not your fault, and it doesn't mean you have to soften the blow of that biological reality, especially when it threatens your own mental health.

She hasn't been much of a mother to you, so unfortunately you have to learn to do that for yourself and look after YOU.

Er, and we'll do our best too .

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

That's totally it because to me it's normal because it's what I know. Even though I know it's not iyswim.

My cousin is NC with her mum (my mums sister) and my dm always says how sad it is and how she is more of a mum to the cousin than my aunt is and it makes me want to scream.

Right. Next step to say I'm not going for Christmas.

Thank you all you lovely ones.

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

"dm always says how sad it is and how she is more of a mum to the cousin than my aunt is and it makes me want to scream. "

Because she bloody well knows that when you come to your sense (as you now have) you'll be doing the same to her. It's just another guilt trip tactic, keeping you in your place. You already know the last part of that is utter bollocks.

Well done for making your mind up and going for what YOU want and need.

[imip]

If she really has a short time to live caulk, would you consider going very low contact and completely nc once she dies. Sorry I sound so harsh, I do I understand the conflicting emotions surrounding it all.

My dad made my mum 'bad', my mum had a bad life too, it's a diabolical position to be in and even when it's obvious that you shouldn't be in contact, sometimes that's really hard too. I am still in contact with my parents, but once a month (they care for my disabled brothers, and I couldn't abandon them), I'm on the other side of the world, so there is just no pressure. If your mum has, say, a year to live, that's a few emails. Don't see them, you could still write to your mum to tell her why, but when she dies, never contact that fucker SF again....

[Lottapianos]

Oh Caulk, I wish I could hug you. I know how terrifying and overwhelming things are for you right now. I have had similar situations with my (emotionally abusive) parents. Its taken me years of therapy to realise that its a healthy thing to want to put myself first. I am very low contact with them - the guilt comes in waves but its getting easier to manage all the time.

Do not go and visit these people. You owe them precisely nothing. I am livid and disgusted with them both on your behalf. You need to put all of your energy into protecting and taking care of yourself.

And if you do decide to go NC, you can just do it. No fanfare, no announcement. Just drop contact. Or cut down contact. Do what works for you.

Take care of yourself OP and please keep posting if it helps x

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm guessing around 5 years to live, i have no idea though.

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

Don't worry about that now. Cross that bridge when the time comes ok?