The parents want to see me...but I don't want to see them.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

anyone free for a bit of hand holding or generally telling me what to do? Kicks and pull-yourself-togethers welcome too.

I've posted before about the parents in stately homes. Mother with ms, as well as general p a stuff. Historic sexual abuse with the step father. They live 300+ miles away, including a ferry journey. In the spring I was at a family gathering and the step father began making "how's your pussy" type comments. I walked out. We've had little contact since then, mainly fortnightly phone calls. This is too much for me, not enough for then.

Now they are wanting to see me. They've been asking since June time and I've said I'm busy, but have now agreed to go between Christmas and new year.

I'm currently three weeks out of hospital following an od. I don't feel strong enough to do most stuff, still quite low. The family know nothing about this.

I don't want to see them. But if I cancel and don't, they will be upset and angry. But if I go, the worry and anxiety about seeing them makes the whole trying-to-feel-better thing harder.

So I have no clue what to do. I don't want to go, but I also don't want to hurt them by cancelling as we've never discussed why I don't see them much.

What would you do if you were me? Go? Or cancel?

[HerrenaHarridan]

Happy to help you make a plan. I'm glad you're feeling calmer. :)

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Aw thanks you lovely people.

[Cherriesandapples]

Xxxxxx

[Only1scoop]

That's good Caulk....

Thinking of you

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Just wanted to drop in and say thank you for all the advice and kind words yesterday. I've talked it through with the therapist as well today, and although I haven't made a plan of what to do, I'm feeling much calmer about it all.

[HerrenaHarridan]

You know what you want out of this so you just need a plan.

Will YOU feel more closure if you tell your mum why first?

Will YOU find it easier by email, letter or on the phone?

Will YOU find it easier to just change your numbers and email address?

Take the power back.

This is about you now. You are so strong, you have withstood all this for years.

I know (all too well) that 'coping' doesn't always feel like coping at the time.

You can control the contact you have with them, you're future is in your hands and you can do anything with it.

[CruCru]

Please consider talking to the police. You may feel so much better for doing so.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Am falling asleep now, but didn't want to not acknowledge replies. Thank you for listening and helping you lovely lot.

[DollStar]

SF sounds fairly 'conditioning'. He is saying these things to you and this in turn makes you feel like the young girl he used to abuse. You will then begin to feel like you 'should' go to see them. DO NOT GO. Perhaps when your DM has passed, you may feel brave enough to go to the police about SF.

[Mini05]

Shit, defo go NC, what have they ever done to show you any love and affection!! You owe them nothing.

Please start putting yourself first, get yourself stronger, build your self esteem up and be happy( you bloody deserve it)

I've a son of 25 and I'd never put a man first!!

Look after yourself x

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

It's weird isn't it, that you can tell yourself something, and then 80 other people come along and say something different and it can completely change how you see a situation.

[Lottapianos]

Caulk, please don't ever be around that man ever again. He is utterly disgusting. It will do great things for your self esteem to refuse to spend any time around such a horrible person in future. Your mother has made her own choices and utterly failed to protect you from him. You can protect yourself now.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Thank you all. I'm ridiculously grateful to everyone who has read and commented. I'm glad I've made enough sense with the warbling and I have listened to everything said.

[Facelikeafriendlyapple]

Protect yourself. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Agree with everything pp have said.

Wish you strength and future peace

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Thank you everyone. Mini - the stately home is in regard to a thread about abusive parents. I dont own a stately home, sadly. Parents live in a small council house.

I wasn't sure if it was drip feeding because of mentioning her being so ill! Plus i wasnt entirely sure what it was, so wanted to cover myself incase.

I'm 28. DM has had MS since before I was born. Real dad lives with his wife in a very rural area, that is pretty much the other side of the uk (very south and very north). His wife doesnt know about me, so this would be losing most family. SF has sons but havent seen them in 5+ years.

The stuff with SF began when i was about 14 and continued until i was about 19 and had moved out. It got pretty bad (think as bad as possible without the chance of pregnancy). I still dont feel safe with him, and the pussy comments are only a small amount of the shit that happens.

[Mini05]

Those boxes are smiles!!! On iPad and don't know y they've come out like that!!!

[Mini05]

You don't need this at the moment especially the fragile state you have been in the last few weeks( you are doing extremely well getting yourself to work, well done??

Are you an only child? Or do you have brothers/sisters who could go? When you say stately home(there's ?) if there's then surely they could afford to pay for care needs?

I would buy yourself a new SIM card, copy all your numbers you want to keep that way they can't contact you.
If when you are stronger and want to you can call your Mother. How old are you OP? Have you ever been strong enough to tell SF to f... Off and if he dares touch or ever say anything slightly sexual again you will go to the police. He is disgusting

Does your mum only know your mobile no? If so then get the sim
Re email do it so they go in the junk mail, then put them in the bin and get rid permanently otherwise you will be temped to read.

Hope you enjoy your weeks retreat???? relax

[momb]

Caulk, I've been lurking on your other thread and I have to say that it is heartening to see that you are feeling up to making decisions to help you move forward: this is a big step forward from where you were even a week ago.
I'm sensing that in spite of the fact that your Mum is essentially selfish (which may be her original personality or secondary to her MS) you still love her. Putting aside your SF who is intrinsically evil and can therefore be ignored in all of this, you need some kind of closure with your Mum. You need to go NC for your own wellbeing, and that must come first. Send your Mum a message: whether you write or email or even send a text is your choice, but tell her that when you were 14 she asked you if you minded your SF hugging you and you said no, but you lied: you were a child and afraid and he was hurting you. Tell her you understand that she needs him as she is ill and will not ask her to choose between you but that you will not have contact with either of them again. Tell her that you love her and wish her well (let her selfishness and failure to protect you go: there is nothing to be done there).
Tell, don't ask. Be clear. Change your email or block the messages, block her phone calls, screen the rest, and do not contact them again.
Do this for the finality of it, for the release of having all responsibility lifted. Walk away knowing that you have taken control of how you respond to their demands and then put them out of your mind. Heal, rest.

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

This isn't drip feeding.

Drip feeding is where you start with one story, then later on add a detail that changes everything completely rendering all the advice given previously utterly useless, leaving those posters open to flaming by later posters who hadn't bothered to read the thread properly.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

It feels like I'm drip feeding so apologises if it seems like I am. Just trying to reply honestly!

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

Don't worry about that now. Cross that bridge when the time comes ok?

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I'm guessing around 5 years to live, i have no idea though.

[Lottapianos]

Oh Caulk, I wish I could hug you. I know how terrifying and overwhelming things are for you right now. I have had similar situations with my (emotionally abusive) parents. Its taken me years of therapy to realise that its a healthy thing to want to put myself first. I am very low contact with them - the guilt comes in waves but its getting easier to manage all the time.

Do not go and visit these people. You owe them precisely nothing. I am livid and disgusted with them both on your behalf. You need to put all of your energy into protecting and taking care of yourself.

And if you do decide to go NC, you can just do it. No fanfare, no announcement. Just drop contact. Or cut down contact. Do what works for you.

Take care of yourself OP and please keep posting if it helps x

[imip]

If she really has a short time to live caulk, would you consider going very low contact and completely nc once she dies. Sorry I sound so harsh, I do I understand the conflicting emotions surrounding it all.

My dad made my mum 'bad', my mum had a bad life too, it's a diabolical position to be in and even when it's obvious that you shouldn't be in contact, sometimes that's really hard too. I am still in contact with my parents, but once a month (they care for my disabled brothers, and I couldn't abandon them), I'm on the other side of the world, so there is just no pressure. If your mum has, say, a year to live, that's a few emails. Don't see them, you could still write to your mum to tell her why, but when she dies, never contact that fucker SF again....

[SmilesandPilesOfPresents]

"dm always says how sad it is and how she is more of a mum to the cousin than my aunt is and it makes me want to scream. "

Because she bloody well knows that when you come to your sense (as you now have) you'll be doing the same to her. It's just another guilt trip tactic, keeping you in your place. You already know the last part of that is utter bollocks.

Well done for making your mind up and going for what YOU want and need.