Forced to work with abusive XP

[CowPatRoberts]

NC for this post, and trying desperately not to drip feed- sorry if I’ve left anything out.

I was in a very abusive relationship in my mid-twenties (physical and emotional) which ended when the P in question spent 2 hours kicking and punching me in a drunken rage, afterwards he cried and essentially demanded comfort from me and made me promise I wouldn't leave him, he couldn't live without me blahblahblah.

I left the next morning on the pretense of going shopping and never went back, my parents picked up all of my belongings and I ignored all his calls and texts. I returned the engagement ring. In the 4 years since that happened I’ve fallen in love, moved cities and started a great new job- all in all I’m pretty smug about life!

However the company I work with has hired him, not such a huge coincidence as he used to work here before moving abroad shortly after we broke up, and for 3 months I didn’t have to see him and if we did bump into each other he was coolly professional. I was asked if it was a problem by my team leader a few weeks after he started (they knew he was an ex but nothing else) but by then he had already started and I was afraid of rocking the boat, I was happy in what I was doing and as he wasn’t causing me any problems I decided to ignore it.

A few weeks ago I was made aware that the director of the company had been told of the violent incident and he called me that weekend to check if it was true, I confirmed it was but there was no course of action suggested, he just emailed me to say he’d set up a meeting when we were back at work.

Then things started to take an odd turn, I went into work the following Monday and someone had been on my computer and deleted the email from my inbox (not realizing I had already received it on my laptop and had the foresight to save it). He then never brought it up again and essentially pretended he didn’t know about it, and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. A couple of weeks later and I’ve been moved into the same room as XP, he’s very passive aggressive and despite all the growing up I’ve done he makes me feel 25 years old again and about 2 inches tall. I can’t speak to any of my senior colleagues about this, they’re all super matey with him but I feel like it’s a deliberate punishment and I feel cornered.

Please tell me what to do

One obvious way would be to reply to the 'deleted' email, stating your disappointment that the meeting didn't take place, your bemusement on finding the email (below) had been deleted from your workstation computer, and your dismay at being put in an office with XP. Then request the meeting to discuss this strange sequence of events, urgentissimo.

That should ruffle his feathers

I'm so glad you spoke to ACAS. Well done!

Others might disagree, but I feel you need to get your boss between a rock and a hard place - the hard place being whatever leverage XP has over him. When you get your meeting, you can ask for a neutral third party to be present (I believe it's a legal right) and TELL him ACAS advised this. You can go back to being nice to him after this cock-up's resolved to your satisfaction.

Email, email, email. Make sure there is a paper trail so to speak. Until things are sorted out don't do anything informally i.e. over a chat. If things get acrimonious or legal you will need the evidence.
Agree reply to deleted email - end it to yourself at your work address and then send whole thing with request to have a meeting about the issue. This is not a 'water cooler' issue.

Oh gosh, OP, what a horrible situation. I agree that you need a written record of these things - create that paper trail. Sadly, from all that you have said, I don't think this is going to end well for you - you may find that your position becomes untenable, and you will be glad of building up the evidence.

They all sound like arseholes tbh. What's your direct line manager like?

Agree with Garlic's advice and wording as it takes care of several things like the risk mentioned above that he deleted it to make it look like YOU didn't follow it up.

I think I would also mention your conversation that proceeded his e-mail (him knowing about the assault) to include it in the paper trail.

Is there a way for you to have a rep present at any conversations? if you're surprised with a meeting "It'll just take a second" I would start recording, in an obvious way, and mention on that recording that it was being taped as you didn't have a chance to get an independent witness to attend.

And blind copy all your emails to a personal email account.

Any update OP?

This is an interesting dilemma but you sound like you're staying calm. It's unfortunate that the original assault (s) was not notified to the police but I think the company must know it is in a weak position and you can exploit that if you're clever. I would echo those suggesting you get good legal advice, union involvement if applicable and then document every last thing, building a dossier against a person who is bound to slip up at some point. Or at least won't take much provocation to slip up.

Do follow up the mysteriously missing email with the director. I suggest the line you take is to make it very clear that this ex is a violent and unstable individual who will drag the company down with him at some stage, probably incurring big compensation payments in the process. Insist on him being removed from your immediate team. This takes it from being 'personal' to concern for the bottom line.

update?