Forced to work with abusive XP

[CowPatRoberts]

NC for this post, and trying desperately not to drip feed- sorry if I’ve left anything out.

I was in a very abusive relationship in my mid-twenties (physical and emotional) which ended when the P in question spent 2 hours kicking and punching me in a drunken rage, afterwards he cried and essentially demanded comfort from me and made me promise I wouldn't leave him, he couldn't live without me blahblahblah.

I left the next morning on the pretense of going shopping and never went back, my parents picked up all of my belongings and I ignored all his calls and texts. I returned the engagement ring. In the 4 years since that happened I’ve fallen in love, moved cities and started a great new job- all in all I’m pretty smug about life!

However the company I work with has hired him, not such a huge coincidence as he used to work here before moving abroad shortly after we broke up, and for 3 months I didn’t have to see him and if we did bump into each other he was coolly professional. I was asked if it was a problem by my team leader a few weeks after he started (they knew he was an ex but nothing else) but by then he had already started and I was afraid of rocking the boat, I was happy in what I was doing and as he wasn’t causing me any problems I decided to ignore it.

A few weeks ago I was made aware that the director of the company had been told of the violent incident and he called me that weekend to check if it was true, I confirmed it was but there was no course of action suggested, he just emailed me to say he’d set up a meeting when we were back at work.

Then things started to take an odd turn, I went into work the following Monday and someone had been on my computer and deleted the email from my inbox (not realizing I had already received it on my laptop and had the foresight to save it). He then never brought it up again and essentially pretended he didn’t know about it, and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. A couple of weeks later and I’ve been moved into the same room as XP, he’s very passive aggressive and despite all the growing up I’ve done he makes me feel 25 years old again and about 2 inches tall. I can’t speak to any of my senior colleagues about this, they’re all super matey with him but I feel like it’s a deliberate punishment and I feel cornered.

Please tell me what to do

I'm sure everyone thinks this of their ex but he is genuinely the most aggressive, manipulative, self absorbed little shit I've ever had the misfortune to meet and it's taken years to get past what he did (tbh the mental abuse was far worse than the physical).

He was furious when he found out I was in a safe, loving relationship so yes, I think he's been gradually planting little seeds of venom.

You don't know how much stronger I feel just reading your replies, I know there are people on here with far worse problems but it's having such a huge impact on my life.

If they know the history and still moved you illogically to be in a room with the guy and deleted an email that spoke about a possible investigation, it sounds to me as though they may be trying to force you out for whatever reason.

I would honestly say in this situation I would not be hanging about, you have done nothing wrong and it's a terrible situation to be in but I would just want out of it ASAP, life's too short to work in that sort of situation.

The gp notes is a good idea. Can you get those?

I agree I would be looking for another job and going for constructive dismissal.

Please call ACAS asap.
The whole thing is very "off" and I would cover yourself as much as possible, try to do all communication via email (and save copies) so you have verifiable information.

Also would say do not have a meeting unless you take minutes and get them signed after, as I have had conversations denied in a previous job.

It very much sounds deliberate and, quite frankly, a fucking awful thing to do. I am fuming on your behalf.

I think it is fine to reply to an email that was sent four weeks ago and confirm that you would like a meeting with the director.

The issue hasn't gone away, in fact, it has got worse.

Consider taking someone with you to the meeting. State that you want office arrangements that don't involve you being in the same room as ex.

yy to any information you can get to back yourself up from GP/ police/ anyone ou have ever reported anything to.

to every single one of you.

Re: doctors notes, I felt it wasn't bad enough to go to the doctors. In fact it was but I was scared of the repercussions. At that time I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry.

Right- my plan is to call ACAS this evening after making notes of everything so I don't forget anything, and have (another) big, long chat with my lovely Mum who has been brilliant, think I'm going to direct her to this thread as well so she can see how fantastic you've all been.

Maybe not relevant, but said director has made a pass at me previously and that was one of the reasons my XP lost it so badly, I've just thought perhaps he deleted the email and feigned ignorance was so that didn't come out? He's married with children. But why then put me in the room with XP?

RightyTighty thank you, I am also starting to feel angry! What do you mean by "off"?

Don't rely on the company to do the right thing. It sounds as if he has friends on the inside.

Go to a solicitor and see what your options are about getting a restraining order. I don't know the legal position but it sounds like stalking to me. Sounds like you are in fear of violence to me.

Then go o to speak to your company from a position of power and they will see that if they do not act, then you will call in the law.

Eek.

Please calm down first of all. Then repost this in the Employment Issues section where lots of HR and employment Lawyers work. That way you will get good objective advice.

You have three items that need to be dealt with in turn.

1. deletion of email. This is almost certainly NOT the conspiracy/breach of privacy/dark undertones that some people might think it is. Anyone who sends an email via (for example) outlook has the ability to recall it and destroy it (doesn't need IT to get involved in any way) I've done it a few times. If I found out a director had sent something like this to someone, I would have said it was overstepping the mark and getting personally involved without being invited to do so, and would myself have advised him to recall it, because it should be you instigating a meeting if you have concerns, not him.
2. that they 'know' what happened and are putting you in close working relationship. It seems as if they have not been advised by you in any way that you feel uncomfortable with this. Whilst it seems a bit off for them to do this, they may simply have the impression that as far as both of you are concerned this is water under the bridge, and they may feel that if they allow what they know informally to influence their professional actions one way or the other they might be in hot water legally. As such they can only really interfere if they go through a formal process. And you would need to raise that, they can't raise it themselves.
3. that you are in a very uncomfortable position working closely with this man. This is what I think you need good advice on. And I think the employment lawyers are the best people to advise here. I know HR processes pretty well, but if an employee came to me with this issue I wouldn't handle this myself, without seeking legal advice. Hence my suggestion you go to the employment board bit of Mn for advice.

Sorry, by the way for being all 'official' and unsympathetic in that last email. It must be really really horrible to be in your position, and I really hope it all get resolved for you.

You need to know how the email was deleted. Did someone log onto your PC using your sign in and password or was it recalled ?

If someone had accessed your pc to delete it this means they can send emails as you etc. this would be against most it usage policies.

If this is what happened inform your IT security officer and they will probably be able to tell the time of access and what else was done. In my organisation this would be a disciplinary offence and should be investigated. Imagine what other havoc a malicious individual could get up to sending emails as you or deleting other important emails.

Change your sign on password to something nobody who knows you can guess and change it regularly.
If it was recalled that's a different matter as it just means he changed his mind and possibly thinks you haven't seen it and can deny ever sending it.

Thereshallbe sorry- didn't mean to come across as hysterical, will repost in Employment now, thanks for the tip and your points.

No! Absolutely needed it

IDontDoIroning Definitely deleted and not recalled, and unfortunately couldn't get IT involved without him knowing.

MS Outlook/Exchange systems do not move a recalled email to the recipients Deleted Items folder. They just "disappear".

They also do not allow recall of items marked as "read". For what I hope, are obvious reasons.

So finding an email you have read, and know you haven't deleted in your Deleted Items folder is a clear signal someone has deleted it. On a Windows system that means they had to have logged in as the user who received it, and used Outlook to delete it (meaning, incidentally, they also had full access to any other emails in the account) - someone who thinks they know about computers, but doesn't. Almost certainly a director .

I hope the call with ACAS gives you a definite way forward. I hate all this back slapping nastiness that goes on.

Actually, I take some of my previous post back - I had missed the it where you found it in your 'deleted items' folder. That is really bad, from an HR/legal point of view (but very good for you in terms of your own position when you pull them up on this).

Thereshallbeasprin So, if I'm understanding you correctly, it's well within his rights to recall an email but not to log into my computer and delete it once read? It would have come up as 'Unread' on the official work computer even though I'd read it on the laptop (different systems).

How bad is it that he did that?

Some good advice on this thread. Best of luck to you OP.

The difference is that it will be shown as 'delivered' in the system and he could then argue that he offered to discuss this further with you and that you ignored this offer, and that you deleted the email, thus implying that you were fine with working with the chap and didnt want to discuss it further. In essence it creates a false email trail, and your lawyer could have a ball with that scenario. I'm not sure why on Earth he'd not just recall it (any IT guy would tell him to do that). Unless it was someone else who hacked in and deleted it? Ex partner in cahoots with IT? Whatever it was, it is much more serious than just recalling a message.

Don't speculate too much re how it was done and for what motives. Acas will know how with whom to take it further and a good employment solicitor will cut to the chase about the most relevant issues here.
Meanwhile, be scrupulous in documenting everything at work i.e. emails to note any informal chats - follow up with an email saying thanks for that quick catchup by the coffee machine director X or whatever. Send copies of all emails to a private email, work hard and smart so that there can be no tiny blemish that they could feasibly use against you.
And look around for alt work just in case.

Hi all,

Just gotten off the phone from ACAS and had a long, hard think about what I want to do next (then accidentally deleted my very long post!)

I'm going to speak to the director tomorrow and find out why he put me in the same room as XP, and deleted the email. I imagine he'll move me to another part of the building and we'll take it from there.

I'll continue updating, you've all been fantastic and gave me the push I needed and as usual I'll welcome all your feedback. Thank you to everyone who contributed

Now where's that gin?

Did ACAS not suggest you do this in writing?

How's the best way to go about doing that?