Forced to work with abusive XP

[CowPatRoberts]

NC for this post, and trying desperately not to drip feed- sorry if I’ve left anything out.

I was in a very abusive relationship in my mid-twenties (physical and emotional) which ended when the P in question spent 2 hours kicking and punching me in a drunken rage, afterwards he cried and essentially demanded comfort from me and made me promise I wouldn't leave him, he couldn't live without me blahblahblah.

I left the next morning on the pretense of going shopping and never went back, my parents picked up all of my belongings and I ignored all his calls and texts. I returned the engagement ring. In the 4 years since that happened I’ve fallen in love, moved cities and started a great new job- all in all I’m pretty smug about life!

However the company I work with has hired him, not such a huge coincidence as he used to work here before moving abroad shortly after we broke up, and for 3 months I didn’t have to see him and if we did bump into each other he was coolly professional. I was asked if it was a problem by my team leader a few weeks after he started (they knew he was an ex but nothing else) but by then he had already started and I was afraid of rocking the boat, I was happy in what I was doing and as he wasn’t causing me any problems I decided to ignore it.

A few weeks ago I was made aware that the director of the company had been told of the violent incident and he called me that weekend to check if it was true, I confirmed it was but there was no course of action suggested, he just emailed me to say he’d set up a meeting when we were back at work.

Then things started to take an odd turn, I went into work the following Monday and someone had been on my computer and deleted the email from my inbox (not realizing I had already received it on my laptop and had the foresight to save it). He then never brought it up again and essentially pretended he didn’t know about it, and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. A couple of weeks later and I’ve been moved into the same room as XP, he’s very passive aggressive and despite all the growing up I’ve done he makes me feel 25 years old again and about 2 inches tall. I can’t speak to any of my senior colleagues about this, they’re all super matey with him but I feel like it’s a deliberate punishment and I feel cornered.

Please tell me what to do

I'd do what Goats said and contact ACAS for advice. I used to work for a shower of back-slapping bullies and you can't relay on anything said verbally or handwritten.

Don't despair. You've got the upper hand because you were so smart in saving a copy of the email. Professional advice next.

I didn't realise it was as long as 4 weeks ago, yes it would be odd to reply to it now, but it's still acceptable to bring it up.

If you've been moved away from your team to be in a room with your ex, if he's mates with HR, and it was the director who deleted the email, I don't think one can avoid the inference that they are trying to push you out. I can't quite work out the directors level of involvement or his motivation.

If HR and the director were neutral it would be worth trying to stick it out, but this may be a battle you can't win.

However it's worth standing up for yourself and seeing where you get to, I certainly wouldn't roll over without a fight. So keep going for the moment but start to look around for other work in case...

*rely. Get grown-up advice on this, follow recommended procedures and keep evidence. Don't trust anyone in the company.

You may end up having to leave :( If that happens, you want to be taking a very large cheque and leaving a trail of destruction.

Xpost, MoonUnit's nailed it.

Once he's agreed to meet with you (which he really should) you should tell him how you feel about the situation

No, no, don't "tell" him anything unless it's in writing via a verifiable medium! He's already shafted you, why would he suddenly become a reasonable & trustworthy person?

How does the director know about the abuse?

Vivacia, Twinklestein, GarlicNovember- thank you and all the other posters for being so wonderfully pragmatic and compassionate, don't feel like as much of a wally now.

Surely if it gets bad enough for me to leave there is something I can do? I'm not really one for revenge but if this finishes with me having to leave the job I love I'm going to want everything I can get. I know constructive dismissal is a hard one to get, is there anything else it would fall under? And wouldn't it affect my chances of getting another job?

I'm intrigued about the deleted email, for various reasons.

1. Do you lock (with a password) your PC ?
2. Do you know what email system you use - not just the client (Outlook), but the backend (exchange)
3. How big is your outfit ?

It's practically impossible to "delete" an email. You may remove it from a machine, but it can't be removed from the server - certainly not trivially. And anyone who thinks deleting if from a machine is permanent would not have the skills to circumvent the audit trail in the server.

This alone raises all sorts of issues. Computer misuse and fraud spring to mind. Also what IT security policies do you have in place ? I can guarantee that they will not permit a director - presumably alone - to wander around sneaking into employees PCs at will. In fact, I would suspect entirely the reverse. They would strictly forbid it.

Sorry it's not addressing your situation directly, but it shows me your employers have some very serious issues they need to address. Especially if they have anything more than a passing relationship with sensitive or protected data. And double especially if they are handling financial details. I wouldn't want them to look after my coffee money.

Linerunner- sorry for not replying to your post, no sexual contact but wanted me to lie with him and kiss etc.

Makes me want to puke thinking about it. Thankyou for the flowers

It depends how it goes from here. I really recommend talking to ACAS. Mine's a long story, but the end part is I was made redundant - in a big restructure, so didn't look bad - and given certain concessions to keep me quiet; I signed a gagging contract. Arsehole was forced to take early retirement. He walked away with far more money than me, but the devastation to his ego was enjoyable.

LurkingHusband I hadn't even thought about that so thank you for pointing it out- is that really something they could be in trouble for? I thought being in charge would allow him to do things like that.

Medium sized company with a lot of long term staff, will dig out the IT security now and get back to you!

Just a thought. If you have a decent IT department, maybe (innocently) log a call with them about the email going missing from your PC but still being on your laptop. If they are halfway decent it will be a seconds work to restore it to your PC.

Oh and make sure you've changed your password.

I'd suggest acas and cab. After an initial appointment, cab may well have an employment specialist you can speak too. If not, the generalist advisors would have lots of info. You can also look at their website Adviceguide, loads of employment info on there too, constantly updated. Sorry, can't yet do clicky links.

Don't let them treat you like this.

Talk to ACAS. It really does sound deliberate as you said the head of HR is one of his oldest friends and dislikes you too. Sounds like they're trying to push you out of your job. Stay strong op... what they're doing is incredibly nasty.

All done when I realised he'd deleted it- not from the deleted items though

I also forwarded it to two separate email addresses to keep a record of it, do you think I should be open about having it or holding back in case I need it?

Directors - especially directors don't get to "do what they like". I know the current government would love that, but they'll have to wait till after 2015 for that.

Assuming you're working somewhere of a decent size, you should have procedures in place that allow your PC to be "searched". The company should follow these procedures, or it can face trouble. Just a quick f'rinstance, suppose the person who accessed your PC had put an illegal image on it ? Having accompanied senior staff in situations where other staff were investigated, I can assure you that there is a strong motivation to follow the procedure to the letter. Getting it wrong could lead to more than a wrongful or constructive dismissal.

Certainly in situations involving the FCA/PRU (financial regulators) the default position is that any complaint is considered valid unless the organisation accused can disprove it. Which is why email systems need to be bulletproof, and calls need to be recorded. So a company can prove it said what it did (or it didn't say what is alleged).

I would hold it back for the time being, until you contact prof help.

And to address the questions I've not answered (sorry had to think about this so as not to out myself!):

• The director knows because a man who is a close friend of both me and my OH drunkenly told him in a misguided attempt to help.

• There is no way they could get rid of me because of conduct or underperformance, not to stealth brag but I am very good at my job and careful with how I act. I had a very good relationship with all of my colleagues until he returned so I suspect things have been said on his side but have no proof, it's just the only explanation I can think of.

To me this is definitely aiming at constructive dismissal. It looks much too deliberate to be otherwise.

Get union advice, OP, and personally I would look for another job and sue their arses.

What a horrible situation to be in. :(

Apologies if you have said, but was any of the situation with your ex loved with the police at the time?

I would say ACAS over CAB as the latter is a bit jack of all trades, and I would find a good employment solicitor.

Constructive dismissal will be difficult to prove, but not impossible with the right advice. Of course it may not come to that.

Will call ACAS tonight, and going to print off our work policies to review at home. Anything else?

Partydilemma God I wish I had, but to be honest I didn't want anything bad to happen to him and I was so so embarrassed.

From what you've said, there may be a good chance they'd relocate your ex rather than constructively dismiss you. It depends on the ex's motives (yes, to damage you but is he prepared to risk his own reputation/network?) and what he's got on your director. I'm assuming he must have something, to have achieved such a turnaround.

Sounds like the ex has been plotting this for ages. What a weirdo!

If you saw your GP following the attack there will be an entry in your medical notes. You are entitled to obtain a copy of any entry. If you wanted to show it to the director or HR it could help to prove that you are being truthful and that it is your ex who is telling a pack of lies.