What are these types of couples all about...?

[Somethingtodo]

I have 3 very close male friends who are in these types of relationships .... the male is vv social, real party animal, great fun, life and soul of the party etc - highly intelligent, loads of friends, loads of diverse interests - and the partner is Miss Mouse - no mates, no interests or other social life, dull, clings to the male....is the only woman at all male nights out....totally gets into the music/football team/whatever of the male - having had zero interest or the opposite tastes previously (I know 2 of the women from before).....

I find it depressing that some of you are choosing to focus on YOUR relationship dynamics in a bizarre defensive way --- and then when most of the posters have mention possible EA - you choose to turn a blind eye to it rather than suggest positive solutions for these women - EA deniers??

These sorts of relationships maybe EA but they may not be.

It could be:

1. a great guy choosing a genuinely mousey lesser partner, not because he's abusive, but because it suits him - because he enjoys being the centre of attention. That doesn't have to be abusive.

2.a shitty guy beating down the personality of his former sparky partner and shaping her in his own mold so her interests become his.

3.two people who have a basically equal relationship behind closed doors, but in public appear as either 1 or 2.

Perfect SelfLoathing -- some sanity at last!

But in my 3 cases -- your points 1 & 3 dont apply due to the fact that 100% needs of the male are being met and none of the woman's needs are being met.

The women also are socially and financially isolated - this is fact.... wether this is choice or coercion determines if it is EA or not.

Like a said earlier op you are very keen an analysing other people aren't you. Now why is that!

If you're not keen on analysing people, you're on the wrong forum...

Still ignoring possible EA - shameful....

and Bit... I am confused as you gave your express consent this morning when you said "I'd say it is fine to come on and ask/discuss...."

To be honest, it is very doubtful someone would be in or stay in a relationship if none of their needs are met. Sometimes this can be very unhealthy.

In a more classic "needs met" sense, what about the prestige as they see it of being with the "alpha" man? Or benefiting from his income? His contacts? His social skills? They may not be financially independent of their partner, but they may have a whole lifestyle at a financial level they wouldn't otherwise attain.

In the same way as one may want to be the centre of attention, someone else may want to bask in the glow of their successful, funny, charming partner.

Or in a more unhealthy way, take the example of a woman whose father was very controlling may like to be round a controlling man because she feels comfortable and safe in that environment. It's unhealthy but she is having her own emotional "needs" met.

This is the "behind closed doors" point or, perhaps more accurately, "deep in the recesses of their mind". Sometimes you can't even see yourself why it is you stay in a relationship, but on some level, some need of yours (however f.cked up that might be) is probably being met.

You're not discussing them are you? You're analysing everyone else's motives now!

Anyway, I stand by my initai assertion that you never really know what's happening in other people's relationships, no matter now intimately aquainted you are with them

Thanks Cola -- that is a great link I will act on it.

These 3 men are def not alpha's, they have little income and are not successful - their excessive partying has put paid to that.....their lifestyle is "on the lash" - they are hilarious company socially and everyone loves them for that and I can see how the women can bask in the glow - but they are not reliable even as friends/family.

Yes some dysfunctional emotional need may be being met - (2 of the women had alcoholic parents - the one who walked this week didnt) that doesnt make it healthy or equal.

soory Bit.. totally lost your there mate...

Noticed this but in a slightly different way with a few male acquaintencies. They all have uni degrees (its where I know many of them from) and reasonably good jobs, and their girlfriends don't, quite often they don't work or work in a part-time or very casual job, even though they're in their years for building up their career (twenties) and have no children. A couple of these guys even took it to extremes by getting mail order brides - one from China and one from Thailand. In both cases they had met their bride once and could barely communicate because they didn't speak each other's language. In all cases though, the girlfriends are of the plain, mousey and very quiet type, even when the guys are quite good looking.

Now you are not telling me that these guys are not deliberately choosing female partners who can be housewives and that they can control. I've also noticed more than a few of this type, especially when they get older and get bored, cheat on their wives, or try to. Its a bit of a cliché really - safe wee woman at home to provide security while they look for a bit of excitement on the side - I actually look for men to have a vibrant, attractive wife around a lot of the time if they are trying to be friendly to me, and then I know it that is usually all they are trying.

Oh, I've also noticed that these guys tend to make disparaging comments about successful women, women who have good jobs are "too independent", women who do well at sport "too manly" and so on...

Are you male Somethingtodo?

Nope I am a mother of 4 why do you ask?

The Myers Briggs test gives us 16 personality profiles, which enable us to see how we function in relationships and in the workplace, some of which are innate and some which are defined for us by our childhood experiences.. What types of people we are attracted to is a very complex and interesting subject...

It's certainly a better starting point than the drivel spouted about the alpha male, I think people read too much into the alpha/beta dichotomy..
Amongst humans, it’s a comic-book fantasy of epic proportions..

A loud man who drinks beer with a shrew quite wife next to him is hardly the stuff of herculean legend, more the epitome of a berk...
I have to say amongst my peers a man who choose a mail order bride would be derided indefinitely and would provide hours of mirth and entertainment...

A lot of women are still told to work on it and put up as it could be worse. You see it on here day in day out. MNetters are saying get out and are told friends and family tell me to try.

Women (and men) are told at least he doesn't hit you as if that is a good thing.

Many of them also see that if they leave after 12 or 14 years in a relationship of waiting for kids/marriage that they have wasted those years/relationship and so throw more years after it.

Some of them think it is too late now rather than I am only 40 I could have another 40 years.

Some of them think any man is better than being alone and maybe never finding another.

Perhaps some of them are happy with things the way they are.

My personal experience is this.

EVERY single time I have got involved with a man, they have shown zero interest in me or my friends, and expected me to become part of their circle, only. Only their world exists, mine does not, and if I ever tried to assert it, it caused a LOT of trouble. Every single one of these relationships was controlling and abusive.

I am not remotely shy or mousey. I was however, badly abused by my parents, and am aware that I have carried this dynamic into my adult relationships.

I am pretty sure that my experience is not unusual.