What are these types of couples all about...?

[Somethingtodo]

I have 3 very close male friends who are in these types of relationships .... the male is vv social, real party animal, great fun, life and soul of the party etc - highly intelligent, loads of friends, loads of diverse interests - and the partner is Miss Mouse - no mates, no interests or other social life, dull, clings to the male....is the only woman at all male nights out....totally gets into the music/football team/whatever of the male - having had zero interest or the opposite tastes previously (I know 2 of the women from before).....

Oooh. Touched a nerve TheHoneyBadger?

Several posters had accused the OP further up the thread of being critical and judgmental. My comment was directed generally to the expanding number of posts accusing the OP of being judgmental.

It's not all about you!

The OP is about a very unequal relationship dynamic with a dominant man and submissive if not to say subjugated partner. This is not a healthy dynamic and in some cases it may be an abusive dynamic. The type of guy described is not exciting but obnoxious and self-centered.

I was just using your post HoneyBadger as a recent example.

This is not a healthy dynamic and in some cases it may be an abusive dynamic. The type of guy described is not exciting but obnoxious and self-centered.

Very well put Twinklestein

I have to agree with Twinklestein. I would categorise your friends as tedious, binge drinking, man children. Not exciting and fun loving "catches". I doubt they could even attract a strong intelligent woman.

err but it was me you quoted. and no raw nerves no.

Why are people insinuating that the women are basically thick doormats because these men couldn't do any better?

Maybe, shocking I know, the men are the twats and the women were hoping to get something out of them over the long term.

Some responses have made me realize that I had unintentionally rattled a few cages - maybe a bit too familiar or too close to home...sorry if this has made you feel comfortable.

As I said upfront it is not about introvert/extrovert dynamics - it tips into the realms of very unequal, high risk, possibly abusive relationship.

I would tell my daughter or friend (if asked) to move on if they wanted more from life....as they will never get something out of them in the long term.

Agree the males are "binge drinking, man children" - not "tedious" for others on a night out (....in the early hours of the evening at least)....but I imagine being in a relationship with one - ie dealing with an unproductive hung over piss head - is "tedious".

Two of the men did attract "strong, intelligent women" - who partied alongside them in their twenties and then moved on when the man child didnt.

*when the man child didnt evolve

I do wonder what you're looking for from this thread.

Are you just asking why some women would choose this type of relationship?

Are you critical of them and look down on them a little?

Are you concerned for them? Or is it just a curious musing?

It wouldn't suit me, but it must suit some women...

You're quite the psychologist aren't you OP?!

Maybe these women prefer the company of men - rather than risk mixing or having to chat with their judgemental, critical, bitchy SIL? I can just imagine the conversation beforehand:

Him: "Oh just to warn you Something will be there tonight".

Her: "Oh god No. Bugger. Are you OK if I stick close to you? Just cannot face having to deal with her judgy comments and weird "concerned face" all night. She cannot grasp our relationship works for us and keeps prying and making PA comments. I'd far rather just listen to you guys chatting than risk being cornered by her."
Him "Of course - stick with me. I'll try and freak her out by being even louder than normal - see it we can between us get her catbum face going?"

Obviously I can't speak for the OP but I wonder if we all got a bit distracted by the wording and the real question is actually:

"why do men who are attractive, intelligent and strong (a good catch if you will) often choose women who don't on the face of it match up to them (an objectively lesser catch)?"

the sub-text being:

"why is that often the women who are attractive, intelligent and strong (a good catch you might think) are single and passed over by men who are their equals?"

Not sure of course but I wonder if that's at the heart of this.

Interesting observation...

Don't think this dynamic is unique to male-female heterosexual monogamous relationships. I've noticed this in

• siblings, where (this is weird as it is quite old women!) where one sister just did the bidding of the younger sister all the time.

• or friends, where one friend is the loudmouthed one whose emotions and feelings dominate the interaction.

I myself have been on the "quieter" side sometimes with one (ex)friend.

I reckon what I was doing was taking an emotional break from engaging with issues in my own life!

Having a domineering, loud friend, can mean that you can lose yourself for a bit and just tag along without really thinking too much or having to make decisions.

I don't think it would have been healthy for me to stay in that interaction long term (it was a 1-2 year friendship) but for a while it was fulfilling an emotional need.

I had a LOT of family issues, things to tackle that were very hard to do and having someone who was kind of "overwhelming" for a while meant I could avoid thinking about those things.

I didn't think the old women I saw, where the older sister was completely subservient to the the younger one (and basically "hid" behind her socially) was that pleasant to see though, I think as a long-term strategy detaching from Life in that way seems unpleasant!

I asked for insights into what was the likely relationship dynamic in these 3 couples as I did not understand it.

From the posts that have replied to the Q that I posed - I have learnt that:

The male is likely to be a self-obsessed, man child, piss-head - who's ego is stroked and all his needs met by an unchallenging woman who denies all of her needs for the relationship.

This trade off of her needs and exposure to risk is of course her choice - but equally she may "choose" this due to EA.

If she is coerced to isolate herself from F&F, hobbies, social life etc and cut out of financial arrangements so that she is exposed and dependent - then she is being emotionally abused.

men who like to rule the roost and love the sound of their own voices...why o why do they like unassertive women?

puzzled

If you met us you would think I was the alpha and my husband the mouse. In reality we are very evenly matched and he will put his foot down if he feels he needs to. I am just more outgoing and comfortable in social environments than he is.

RTFT...as I have said many times I am not talking about introverts and extroverts!!!!

I am exploring if the 3 couples I know domination + subjugation = EA

I do know some very successful people with full lives (both male and female) who kind of "check out of" their social lives a bit.

I don't mean they don't enjoy themselves, but they don't feel the need to hugely "lead" there because they see it as downtime from the hurly burly of working life.

Certainly I've met many a quiet, "mousy" man or woman who I've found later has been a really high-powered leading academic/diplomat/medic but who has just finished work and thinks "I turn myself off now, lead and I'll follow"!

Having answered based on your op, not the subsequent posts, I'd like to pint out that for many of us, the public persona is not the same as the one we reserve for our nearest and dearest at home. Whatever you see while you are all out in a social situation may be far from the reality at home for these couples.

Obviously you know all about the ins and out of their finances and what they get up to in the privacy of their own homes, but as I did before, although I may come across as quiet and shy in public, when we're alone my DP gets the best of me, the chatty, funny and confident me who he can't bear to be without. Just because that's not obvious to onlookers when we're out in public I'd hope they don't think there's some weird dynamic at play.

YAWN YAWN YAWN RTFT : What is wrong with you....this is not about YOU!!!...it is about 3 couples that I know intimately.....I am really NOT interested in your introvert/extrovert isshoos -- I am talking about EA

I think the point being made by the previous posters (using themselves as examples) is that unless you are in the relationship you can't actually know these 3 couples truly intimately. So what you perceive to be EA may not be.

I can't say I agree with this, but I think that is the point so it's a bit unfair of you to be all "yawn yawn yawn".

OP I think when you get an identical reaction from a lot of posters it might be worth asking why that is!

Well you just get more delightful each time you post.

So you want to judge other peoples relationships based on what you see as an outsider (no matter how 'intimately' you think you know them, you're not there 24/7) and when someone who identifies with the relationships you are so quick to judge points out that you may not be seeing the full extent of what these 'mousey' girls may have to offer, you get rude and arsey.

Perhaps if these men think that the alternative to these amenable women who show an interest in their partner is someone like you, that explains it.