Hi, I'm a long-time lurker, could do with advice and sense of perspective. DD is coming up to 18 months old. I work f/t, DP is SAHM. Things seem to be going downhill.
I do pretty much all the cooking and washing up, and all laundry, bins, tidying, hoovering etc, and sorting out the bills, rent, etc. We did (at my insistence) split things, e,g. I'll be responsible for arranging electric, phone/internet and rent; you do council tax and water bill. But after those didn't get paid for a while I ended up doing them. I don't think I have high standards - I did try relaxing and ignoring the washing up (like DP said to) for two weeks, but at the end of the two weeks there was a big pile of washing up and some meat sitting on chopping boards, so me and her mum spent an evening cleaning it.
I have a flexible job which means that I can stay at home to help, but then I'm storing up trouble for later (e.g. I can do no work now, and it won't show up until my contract doesn't get renewed because I haven't got enough done). Plus, if I stay at home and look after DD so that DP can get some housework done, or look for a job, or something else she wants to do, then she spends the time either in bed or watching things on Youtube or Buzzfeed etc. So it's bad for my job and doesn't achieve anything anyway.
So instead I've tried to concentrate on work and leave the housework till the evenings, which just leaves DP to do the childcare and fixing meals for her and DD while I'm out. But that's not working either. E.g. as I left for work this morning (late!), DD was up and running around the bedroom, while DP was on her iPad. So they didn't get to playgroup until 20 mins before the end. Now it's 2pm and they haven't had lunch yet. DP hasn't made anything, and is talking about going to the cafe downstairs, which we can't afford every day. And anyway now there's no chance she'll have lunch, then a nap, then get out of the flat before it gets dark. This isn't a bad day - it's normal or even a comparatively good day. Quite a lot of days they don't get out of the flat at all, and still haven't thought about cooking tea when I get home at 7 or later. So then I end up cooking, and still have to do the washing up and the rest afterwards.
Now DD is going to a nursery 1 day a week (which we can't afford on my pay, so using up savings) so that DP can do other things, start looking for a job, etc. But so far she hasn't done anything with those days, just had a long lie in and played on the iPad and things.
We can't seem to talk about it. If I say anything too early it's "I'm doing it, stop hassling me". If I say anything late in the day then it's "Sorry, yes I know. Next time it'll be better." But it never is. FWIW it's not just me that's worried - her mum wanted her to go to the docs too. So she went to the GP about PND, and did the (Edinburgh?) questionnaire. She came out borderline, just under the score for cause for concern. She went to another docs (we moved in the meantime) and it was pretty much the same. So it doesn't seem to be a PND thing exactly.
Please can someone tell me IABU, or that I'm being controlling about things (e.g. I'm worried about DD not getting attention, or proper food, but maybe that's being obsessive), or that this is all normal, or something? And if it's not, is there anything I can do? Getting worked up about it clearly isn't working, but I feel like things are getting a bit desperate now. I alternate between feeling worried about DP, and feeling like she's just being lazy and leaving me to do most of the work.
DD breastfeeds a bit still, especially to sleep most nights. That was probably a pretty important detail to leave out! So maybe I'm really misrepresenting how much work DP does. But anyway, I guess that's one of the things I'm asking. There's probably more relevant info/backstory about how things got to this point, but it's already long and rambling!