Dividing chores when you have a toddler. Or maybe a relationship + PND thread, I dunno

[DaddyDumkins]

Hi, I'm a long-time lurker, could do with advice and sense of perspective. DD is coming up to 18 months old. I work f/t, DP is SAHM. Things seem to be going downhill.

I do pretty much all the cooking and washing up, and all laundry, bins, tidying, hoovering etc, and sorting out the bills, rent, etc. We did (at my insistence) split things, e,g. I'll be responsible for arranging electric, phone/internet and rent; you do council tax and water bill. But after those didn't get paid for a while I ended up doing them. I don't think I have high standards - I did try relaxing and ignoring the washing up (like DP said to) for two weeks, but at the end of the two weeks there was a big pile of washing up and some meat sitting on chopping boards, so me and her mum spent an evening cleaning it.

I have a flexible job which means that I can stay at home to help, but then I'm storing up trouble for later (e.g. I can do no work now, and it won't show up until my contract doesn't get renewed because I haven't got enough done). Plus, if I stay at home and look after DD so that DP can get some housework done, or look for a job, or something else she wants to do, then she spends the time either in bed or watching things on Youtube or Buzzfeed etc. So it's bad for my job and doesn't achieve anything anyway.

So instead I've tried to concentrate on work and leave the housework till the evenings, which just leaves DP to do the childcare and fixing meals for her and DD while I'm out. But that's not working either. E.g. as I left for work this morning (late!), DD was up and running around the bedroom, while DP was on her iPad. So they didn't get to playgroup until 20 mins before the end. Now it's 2pm and they haven't had lunch yet. DP hasn't made anything, and is talking about going to the cafe downstairs, which we can't afford every day. And anyway now there's no chance she'll have lunch, then a nap, then get out of the flat before it gets dark. This isn't a bad day - it's normal or even a comparatively good day. Quite a lot of days they don't get out of the flat at all, and still haven't thought about cooking tea when I get home at 7 or later. So then I end up cooking, and still have to do the washing up and the rest afterwards.

Now DD is going to a nursery 1 day a week (which we can't afford on my pay, so using up savings) so that DP can do other things, start looking for a job, etc. But so far she hasn't done anything with those days, just had a long lie in and played on the iPad and things.

We can't seem to talk about it. If I say anything too early it's "I'm doing it, stop hassling me". If I say anything late in the day then it's "Sorry, yes I know. Next time it'll be better." But it never is. FWIW it's not just me that's worried - her mum wanted her to go to the docs too. So she went to the GP about PND, and did the (Edinburgh?) questionnaire. She came out borderline, just under the score for cause for concern. She went to another docs (we moved in the meantime) and it was pretty much the same. So it doesn't seem to be a PND thing exactly.

Please can someone tell me IABU, or that I'm being controlling about things (e.g. I'm worried about DD not getting attention, or proper food, but maybe that's being obsessive), or that this is all normal, or something? And if it's not, is there anything I can do? Getting worked up about it clearly isn't working, but I feel like things are getting a bit desperate now. I alternate between feeling worried about DP, and feeling like she's just being lazy and leaving me to do most of the work.

DD breastfeeds a bit still, especially to sleep most nights. That was probably a pretty important detail to leave out! So maybe I'm really misrepresenting how much work DP does. But anyway, I guess that's one of the things I'm asking. There's probably more relevant info/backstory about how things got to this point, but it's already long and rambling!

fucking hell does it only work on single words?

I didn't mean that as an argument against your reply. Just that I think you're asking "Do I have a problem, out of the context of all the other stuff, with DP still BFing?" and the honest answer is "No, her still BFing is a good thing.'' You have all been so helpful for a nest of vipers.

Look OP fwiw I don't think BF comes above all else. Your dd is 18 months now and will manage fine without bf.

I think it's depression related.
People generally aren't lazy like this, there's a reason for why they are avoiding things. I'm saying this as someone that has had protracted periods of avoiding reality and escaping into some screen or other.
It's not simple to get over/past.
op, are you on some sort of research contract? If so I think you need to think of your future, and get the work done now. You will regret it otherwise.
Hopefully your partner can talk about things with the HV, I found it really important to meet other people (that could actually talk) during the week to break up the monotony of life with small children.

I bf dd3 until she was two and only stopped because I went into hospital on a contagious disease ward for a week. Dd barely ate until she stopped having boob. She is the healthies out of my 4 (touch wood) she used to wake up to feed continuiously through the night. I was knackered but it was copeable with dh wfh so I could sleep in 2/3 times a week and co-slept.

I agree bf shouldn't come above everything else but its got to be partners descion mainly to stop.

I hope bfing isn't such a big deal at 18 months because her nutritional needs are not being met. Multiple night wakings to actually take proper milk feeds isn't right. My 17 m old who wakes inbetween sleep cycles 2-3 times a night, half sucks for 5 second and goes back to sleep. Is your dd doing this or actually looking for calories?
I'm sorry but your partner is being neglectful and needs a kick up the arse. Stop pussy footing around her and stand up for your little girl. Arrange a visit from ss.

My mum and dad are going to babysit tonight and tomorrow night so that we can go out as a couple, which we've only done a couple of times since DD. I think I want to say something like this when we're back on nice terms (which tbh we are already, but need space to talk away from DD's demands and need to stop it blowing up again):

I'm going to focus on my full time job now, so we need to make a list of who does what so that I can do my bits before and after work. I'll do all of the laundry (because I have that in a nice efficient system); before I go to bed I'll wash up a sensible amount of washing up, and have a tidy and clean round. I'll get up half an hour earlier in the mornings, and then come and get DD if she's up so that you can have a bit of a lie-in, and I'll hoover round if it needs it and fix breakfast before I leave for work. Other little things can be added if I can fit them into a routine (e.g. I can do bins on bin day), but if it's not on the list I'm not doing it.

I trust you to do the rest of it right your way, but when we meet the HV next week she's going to say that we (i.e. you, as it's on your list!) need to make proper meals for DD. Up to now I've stepped in to make them because I felt I had to, but I can't do it any more. I'll do anything else you want, if you specifically ask me to do it, but it's your responsibility. I'm here if you want to talk about feeling down, or isolated, but I'm not going to pressure you to, and I'm not going to nag you to get out of the flat. I'll try not to nag about the meals and nappies, but can't promise.

Is that any good?!

x-posted with last few.

2times yep, that's right re contract. gotta make the most of it right now.

Furcoat, absolutely DP's decision. I'm leaving BF out of it.

Vichill I am hoping enough arsekicking has been done by others incl her mum, and HV can do the rest. For some reason a random bunch of (super kind and helpful!) strangers on the internet with limited access to one side of the story can't agree on whether there's any real possibility of harm to DD at this stage. HV can advise on depression angle, and there are friendly people at the local playgroups who will help if DP gets to them.

Op you sou d amazing, thats alot of stuff on your list! Good for you doing your bit, just don't take on too much.

Thanks, genuinely, but it's not a big flat and I cut corners! And it doesn't include e.g. DD's bath.

Would appreciate advice on being too contracty or otherwise, and general prospects for agreements of this kind in people's experience.

Im afraid i cant really help with that. Our jobs have kinda of happened organically... House far from perfect! But we are all happy, i think!

Dh works 50 hours but off at weekends. He doesn't stop at weekends between taking dcs to clubs, cooking, laundry and cat litter duties. During the week he helps with baths, homework and takes dcs while o take dd to late club. Also helps with bedtime.

You haven't answered my question. Is DW feeding DD during the night?

The toddler just sounds like a toddler that is a bit boob crazy. Some toddlers just are breast milk mad and extended breast feeding is actually the norm in lots of communities. HV are not that used to extended breast feeding in the UK but then breast feeding uptake is generally quite low here.

All 4 of mine extended breast fed but now the eat anything - curry, prawns, stuffed tomatoes etc.

Agree Betsy.

Just to add mine ate minimally till 2 years but are the picture of health and will eat anything.

It's what you wean them onto that counts. Aim for normal home made meals and as the norm, don't stock 'kiddie food' in your fridge (fish fingers, sausages, chips, nuggets, pizza)

Yes, current setup is that I take her for a walk to get her to sleep, then transfer to cot. When she wakes she comes in with us and DP BFs her back to sleep, where she stays with us till am. This is one of the things HV and colleague will hopefully help with next week.

Oops, have stocked freezer with your no no list...

IMHO you were totally right to get easy food. Baby steps and all that. She can get on to fully home-cooked delights when the basic idea of normal mealtimes is established. Don't sweat it.

Been lurking, and just wanted to say good luck in talking through everything. Your Dp sounds as though she is having trouble adjusting to the whole mummy thing and maybe the ipad is escape. Hope your evening out gives you a chance to reconnect.

When my first was born I couldn't cook but taught myself to, it was baby steps all the way.

Hope you have a good evening out with your DP. It is a great idea to do that regularly. Get a break together and chat. The HV idea sounds good and the routine adviser. Be careful though as when I reached breaking point with sleeping I went to an expert and was disappointed to discover that their advice was to get them self settling which I wasn't up for and it sounds like your DP might not be either. As a pp said HVs don't often understand long term bfing. But you are right that all the other stuff matters just as much.

Honestly tho, it does get better at about 2 years, I remember this period being particularly crap sleep wise. But yes routiney stuff will help and just trying to get out every day. Getting some mum friends to do things with would help with motivation for that which is why I suggested the NCT.

A friend of mine has an excellent chore sharing system with her DH that they stick to rigidly so they know where they are. They basically split the lot, take turns at lie ins and bedtimes and on holiday they swap chores! Works for them. They do have a cleaner tho! A thought?

Hope it all starts getting better soon. You are very supportive and it is good that you are taking her possible depression so seriously. Not many people would do that.

I think your DP is depressed, at least a little. I think she really needs to get out of the house every day, to a class or the library or something. It will do her the world of good.

It's quite plain to me your DP is knackered and has lost stamina/motivation because of all the night feeds.

You know they used sleeplessness as a torture during the war?

Sadly she doesn't have a group of mummy friends to support her. So she's isolated but too low in motivation/energy to carve out a new life.

I know you don't count BF during the night as proper waking but it is and it totally wiped me out.

You can help her get more unbroken sleep though. We dropped night feeds by DS sleeping with DH all night and me only stayed in the bed part of the night. Eventually we could all co sleep and not feed but it takes commitment and help

Thanks Betsy, well we have help from the HV hopefully next week. I did buy the Pantley no cry book some time ago but working out a programme using the advice and sticking to it looks like yet another project to get up the motivation for...

Can you give any hints on how to make the thing in your last para work? Last night when DD woke for the first time in the early hours, I went in and she was standing in the cot crying, so I picked her up and (a bit unusually actually) she started settling down on my shoulder. Then I blew it by trying to put her back down and she started screaming for mummy. So she came in with us. We can make up a spare bed, so obviously DP can sneak out once DD is back asleep. Now we just need the secret tricks to get from there till morning!

Hi I think there are a few gentle strategies around if she's in a cot. With one of mine we did a lot of hand holding through the bars or over the side to keep him in the cot. Also sitting slightly further away from the cot each night when he was a bit older.

With the kids I coslept with DH had to really help. So if I was co sleeping and feeding three times during the night if plan to do two feeds then move into a different room leaving DH co sleeping with DS. After a few weeks if this I'd only do one sleep and then move into a different room leaving DH to sleep with DS for a few weeks. Then finally I slept apart from DH/DS for a week which resulted in no night time feeds. Then we started co sleeping again with no night time feeding.