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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband's co-worker

79 replies

frustratedmama · 10/11/2014 14:14

I need a bit of advice please, as I am not sure if I am just being a jealous wife or if there may be more to this.

My husband hired a very attractive young woman for his office a couple of months ago - she is very glamorous and seems like her looks are everything to her, as I have learnt from a bit of snooping that she is very lacking in the job skills department and that my husband is more or less holding her hand in all that she does - like they are a double act rather than employee and manager.

He said he employed her purely because he thought she could do the job, but the girl seems to barely be able to spell her own name, and was dismissed from her last company - hardly a glowing report. And he told me his boss agreed to give her the job after asking 'is she a looker?' despite my husband saying he was indifferent as to whether she was hired or not.
I first started to get worried about this when he started mentioning her name and her opinions on different things, then he said that all the guys were all over her at the work night out, and he had to defend her from their advances, and from an employee who was rude to her. He even asked this guy to apologise the following week and make amends as he did not want her to feel upset over it, but I think it was just a bit of banter at the bar.
Then he started telling me about her outside interests and constantly saying the guys are digging at him saying that he must fancy her and how could he not fancy her. I am sick of hearing it all and start to get annoyed about it, but he just denies that he finds her attractive or anything else. Then I heard that she was saying how her boyfriend gets jealous of her going away for overnights with work, and she had asked my husband if I mind him staying away.

He also didn't tell me about meetings he was going to with her on the other side of the country (because he didn't want me worrying).

I also met her recently and she was very nonchalant and not particularly friendly, didn't seem to even want to look me in the eyes.
I'm not sure what to think about all of this.
I will be interested to hear your responses, as this is all fairly new territory for me.

Thanks

OP posts:

Windywinston · 12/11/2014 09:50

He may be telling the truth. This is the thing with relationships, there has to be trust, but trust is something to be earned not expected.

springalong · 12/11/2014 09:57

Only read page 1 but mentionitis as AF has already said. That was a BIG RED FLAG I missed. 2 months later, emotional affair, 1 month sexual.

PeppermintPasty · 12/11/2014 09:59

I would set it all out for him, very calmly and clearly, what he is risking. But then I am the queen of ultimatums. That may not be for you, and it is very hard as if he crosses a line you've drawn and you do nothing about it, he will know the ultimatum is worthless.

Even so, I think you have to go into it with him, ignore the minimising that will inevitably come about. He's lied/is lying to you, it's not going to be pretty, but could you really be happy carrying on in a marriage where there's no trust? It will eat you up.

Original poster

frustratedmama · 12/11/2014 10:14

Do you really think it's possible that he would not find her attractive? He says she falls into the 'Rachel Stevens' camp where everything indicates she should be attractive but she just doesn't do it for him. I also find it odd that the office has casual dress code yet she always floats about in clingy dresses and sky high stilettos.

OP posts:

Windywinston · 12/11/2014 10:32

But what she does and how she dresses is none of your concern, how your husband views her is.

Stalequavers · 12/11/2014 10:34

Don't fixate on her op she could be after him , she might not be. The issue is with you DH.

He spoke about her to you because he had to speak about her. She is on his mind in a non proffesional capacity. Why would you care what a random woman's opinions and thoughts are.

She was absolutely in the car with him. That's why he was quiet. I know that quiet tone.

The fact that he is denying she is attractive is bull. You can appreciate some one is attractive but not fancy them. He knows he has shown his cards too much and is trying to discredit her by slagging her off.

Your in a tough situation. He might not be shagging her, but he is enjoying her company a little too much. Keeping colleagues away from her and defending her honour ? How gallant! We all need a prince like that don't we.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/11/2014 10:40

You only know what your husband is telling you, OP. The reality could be very different. It may be that this woman is not the slightest bit interested in your husband. He is certainly fixated on her - and very dismissive of her abilities. How disgusting HE is.

She may be being 'hit on' in the workplace, unsure how to deal with it being new and uncomfortable being introduced to you because HE'S a letch. What nice things could she say to you?

I think you're buying in to a dislike of her that doesn't exist - you just want it to. Your husband sounds like he is doing all he can to make an affair happen. Take that up with HIM. He has demonstrated commitment to lying to you.

... and please stop talking about what she's wearing. It demeans both you and her and her dress sense is none of your business. Is it even true? You've only met her once!

Your husband is the one you have a relationship with. Tell him to stop lying to you.

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 11:14

I suppose ultimately he is focused on the wrong thing -- he needs to understand that the reason you are considering leaving is not because of anything he may have done or not done with this woman, and not because of the lap dance, but simply because of the fact that you can't trust him.

Original poster

frustratedmama · 12/11/2014 11:43

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this and ending my marriage. I am a sahm of 3 years and have no income of my own.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 12/11/2014 11:53

You take it one step at a time. Instead of deciding to divorce today you could decide to start thinking about divorce.

If you're worried about income, look in to what your entitlements would be. Think about what career you would like, and take some steps towards it, etc.

PeppermintPasty · 12/11/2014 11:56

Go and get a free half hour with a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

AnyFucker · 12/11/2014 14:22

Your husband has a pretty efficient line in the categorisation of women's appearance, hasn't he ? Yuk.

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 14:38

That was my thought - the fact that he had the 'Rachel Stevens' example ready to go, as if this was something you would understand and relate to, is kind of bizarre. Presumably if he was surrounded by all the blokes at work, they all would have nodded sagely and gone 'Hmm, yeah, Rachel Stevens syndrome...'

spence82 · 12/11/2014 14:49

Just because he talks her about doesn't mean he's cheating or going to cheat.

Maybe he finds her attractive or maybe he doesn't. Even if he does it doesn't mean that she will fancy him and jump into bed with him.

Original poster

frustratedmama · 12/11/2014 15:04

Now i have found that he has been looking up a woman who works in his industry who looks like a blow up doll, he says he was looking her up to show his colleague who hasn't seen her before, because he was winding up another guy who is 'infatuated' with her, he says this guy is a sick individual who i would be disgusted by. I just don't get all this shitty behaviour. My mum says men will be men and they like to look at women, am i being immature and naive to not accept that this is part of married life? I don't understand why my husband would look elsewhere. We have had a baby this year, and that obviously has knock on affects, I'm not sure if that is just a red herring anyway.
Maybe he truly has done nothing, is that so far fetched?
Sorry for sounding so pathetic, I am just a bit of a mess right now.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 12/11/2014 15:07

I'd be just very, very grateful that you've snagged this Prince Among Men and are not with one of these disgusting, sick individuals he has to tolerate at work.

Fontella · 12/11/2014 15:19

This bloke really does have an answer for everything doesn't he? Shame most of it such blatant crap.

OP, you know he's a liar - he's sat there and 'lied and 'lied' to your face according to you, even when you had clear cut evidence. So why do you set any credibility by anything that comes out of his mouth? Yes his responses are far-fetched. Ridiculously so.

Original poster

frustratedmama · 12/11/2014 15:27

I love him and I thought he was a good man. It's so hard to accept this

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/11/2014 15:32

What AnyFucker said.
Additionally, if you do not want to exit the marriage presently, plan for the long game: begin now to re-enter the work force yourself as soon as possible. Establish an income for yourself, then leave.

The thought has crossed my mind that this is a circumstance that could end in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Your dh could very well lose his position if he isn't careful. Ask him if his place of work has an HR department and do they offer sexual harassment sensitivity training. If this gives him a jolt of seriousness of the reality then you may have a hope with him. But if his response is dismissive (and generates more lies as "he doesn't need sensitivity training" when he clearly does), that would tell you what you need to know.

nrv0us · 12/11/2014 15:35

For me the weirdest thing is how much time and energy he seems to put into discussing other people's attractions to other people, absenting himself from the discussion as if he were merely the asexual messenger bringing this stuff to your attention, rather than an active participant with attractions and feelings of his own.

Original poster

frustratedmama · 12/11/2014 15:48

That's a big part of why I can't accept what he's saying nrv0us - why would be interested these things if he didn't have an opinion himself?

OP posts:

Stalequavers · 12/11/2014 16:28

So what are you going to do op?

FatherJake · 12/11/2014 16:49

FFS this is 3 pages of growing clamour and there is now discussions of single motherhood. As far as I can see he is only guilty of a couple of historic white lies and talking a little bit too much about a new co-worker. There is nothing to say that he's cheated and nothing to say that he wants to. I entirely understand what he means about someone being technically good looking but not fanciable and why on earth wouldn't he be able to quickly find a celebrity example? Cheryl Cole jumped into my head after 3 seconds.

From a man's point of view, in my opinion you are doing all the wrong things. You are constantly asking about her and trying to get him to admit he fancies her. This is insane when all this is going to do is make her more attractive in her eyes, especially if he didn't find her attractive before. There is even talk of making him read a book about cheating! If anything is going to create an issue it's this!

Tip from the make side - Ignore her. If you can't then at least feign indifference. There is nothing less attractive than jealousy. Don't bring her up in conversation. If he keeps bringing her up, laughing at her rather than appearing jealous is far more likely to bring her down in his eyes.

Fairenuff · 12/11/2014 17:06

he says he was looking her up to show his colleague who hasn't seen her before, because he was winding up another guy who is 'infatuated' with her, he says this guy is a sick individual who i would be disgusted by

It sounds like he is the one infatuated OP and he is trying very hard to cover up by pretending it's someone else. He is trying to imply that he is disgusted by their behaviour to throw you off the scent. So transparent.

AnyFucker · 12/11/2014 17:10

he's the workplace equivalent of a pimp, isn't he ?

procuring all these pictures of women for his workmate's delectation

some pimps reap the rewards of this activity with financial incentives

what's his incentive ?

stop thinking about the women here, OP. I find your own statement that someone "looks like a blow up doll offensive". I am sure you did not mean it to be, and your upset is quite palpably clear. But watch your own misogyny. I would hope to be very sure in your situation that his disrespect and objectification of women was not rubbing off on myself.

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