My husband's co-worker

[frustratedmama]

I need a bit of advice please, as I am not sure if I am just being a jealous wife or if there may be more to this.

My husband hired a very attractive young woman for his office a couple of months ago - she is very glamorous and seems like her looks are everything to her, as I have learnt from a bit of snooping that she is very lacking in the job skills department and that my husband is more or less holding her hand in all that she does - like they are a double act rather than employee and manager.

He said he employed her purely because he thought she could do the job, but the girl seems to barely be able to spell her own name, and was dismissed from her last company - hardly a glowing report. And he told me his boss agreed to give her the job after asking 'is she a looker?' despite my husband saying he was indifferent as to whether she was hired or not.
I first started to get worried about this when he started mentioning her name and her opinions on different things, then he said that all the guys were all over her at the work night out, and he had to defend her from their advances, and from an employee who was rude to her. He even asked this guy to apologise the following week and make amends as he did not want her to feel upset over it, but I think it was just a bit of banter at the bar.
Then he started telling me about her outside interests and constantly saying the guys are digging at him saying that he must fancy her and how could he not fancy her. I am sick of hearing it all and start to get annoyed about it, but he just denies that he finds her attractive or anything else. Then I heard that she was saying how her boyfriend gets jealous of her going away for overnights with work, and she had asked my husband if I mind him staying away.

He also didn't tell me about meetings he was going to with her on the other side of the country (because he didn't want me worrying).

I also met her recently and she was very nonchalant and not particularly friendly, didn't seem to even want to look me in the eyes.
I'm not sure what to think about all of this.
I will be interested to hear your responses, as this is all fairly new territory for me.

Thanks

Unless your husband works in an incredibly sleazy world, there's no such thing as being 'dragged' to a ldc to 'keep a client happy'.

My husband works in a world (finance) where a lot of guys go to them. He was the office joke (I say was as we recently moved) because he was the only one who had never been. He has never once 'needed' to go for a client. I assume your husband went of his own bat, but if he was persuaded it would be much more likely to be by his colleagues.

He hasn't done anything in the past apart from google naked women, go for private dances at lap dancing clubs then deny it to me, and generally ogle the odd woman from time to time.

Yeah, she's definitely the one over-stepping a boundary here

but he got dragged and genuinely was hardly even looking/felt uncomfortable

Oh ffs what an absolute crock of shite! As is ... 'I can understand why other blokes fancy her but I don't find her attractive at all'.

Yeah right and and a giant pink pig just went flying past my window.

OP I'm sorry to say it but I can hear the alarm bells ringing from here.

Look, OP I think it's really important that you allocate responsibility to the right person here. Otherwise you're going to end up turning a blind eye like you have other times.

I'm not liking the sound of him. It certainly sounds like a case of mentionitis to me.

Private dances? Eww. How would he feel if you went to a party and went into a room with a man, stripped naked and wafted your vagina at him in an attempt to arouse him? I'm pretty sure your husband would class this as cheating. Why do some people think that the exchange of money means it's not cheating?

I'd be worried.

I was very much hoping that the general consensus would be that I was overreacting or seeing things that weren't there. I want to believe him but I just can't. I have given him so many opportunities to concede at the very least that he does find her attractive, then we have something human from him and something to work forward from - but he doesn't give an inch.

The whole thing has left me with a really bad feeling, and he says we just need to work through it and I have to just trust him. But I can't forget the way he told me the guys at work were giving him a slap on the back for hiring her and couldn't believe that he didn't fancy her. To be honest - his industry is full of sleazy men, but he always told me he was different. If he was different though, he would have admitted the private dance when I had the evidence, but instead I was distressed and arguing the case for hours. When I saw that he had been googling a soap star to see if he could find naked breast pictures, he told me he had just been interested in her storylines. I know - he must think i am a mug. When i wouldn't let it drop he finally admitted he had a 'fascination' with her.
I just feel so hurt. This is the man I love and father of my two small children, now I am looking at the prospect of being a single mum.
I have no idea where to go from here.

Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? Someone who you know tells it like it is?

I have my mum, she said all these things would raise alarm bells with her, but she also says she thinks I am getting things out of perspective. She says she thinks my husband has 'issues' but thinks he loves me very much and wouldn't cheat.

The problem with some mums is they want to see their daughters happy and they think this means staying in a marriage with a man they love, even if it makes them miserable. I'm sure she means well but society is conditioned to encourage women to forgive, try to make it work (even if you already have been trying already), think of the kids etc. you need someone outspoken.

Your mum is not objective, I am afraid

Don't count on your mum...she will always believe the man YOU chose will treat you well. She believes in you....sadly, men can be duplicitous and fool the best of us. Men really can be shit!

So she's shit at her job, got the sack from her last place, but he hired her anyway even though he claims he wasn't bothered one way or the other and only hired her because his boss asked 'is she a looker?' .. to which your H presumably replied 'yes' otherwise how did she end up getting hired?

She apparently needs your H to 'hand hold' her through the work, to act as her partner in a 'double act' and to act as her knight in shining armour to 'defend' her from the unwanted advances and attentions of the rest of the male workforce. He's getting 'pats on the back' for hiring this beauty, but is himself oblivious to her charms. He goes away on overnighters with her but doesn't tell you because he doesn't want you 'to worry' and tells you, you've just got to 'trust' him.

When this vision of loveliness meets her boss's wife (i.e. you) instead of being friendly and engaging, she is unfriendly and won't make eye contact.

He talks about her frequently (despite knowing that it upsets and annoys you) what she says, what she thinks, what her hobbies are .... and he continues to recount all this to you, all the while knowing it pisses you off big time and all the while continuing to insist that he doesn't fancy her in the slightest. In addition, and despite having proof ('back up' I think you called it) that she is shite at her job, he then insists that despite her ineptitude, she is there for the duration?

This trustworthy fellow who is able to resist the charms of the 'looker' that every other bloke in the company is falling over themselves to get to, was forced against his will to sit through a private lap dance which he didn't apparently watch (but still 'lied and lied' through his teeth about, until confronted with the evidence of payment and could therefore deny no longer). This trustworthy fellow as well as paying for lap dances and hiring empty headed beauties who can't do their job, also has a penchant for ogling women and looking for nudes on the internet.

.......................................

That is effectively what you have told us OP but written in a different way. Same information but in a more 'factual 'format rather than a 'I'm not sure what to think/I don't know what to believe type way?'

Now imagine someone else had told you all that about their H? What would your response be to them?

He is mentioning her, giving you anecdotes about her outside life and interests - of course he is interested in her beyond the capacity of employee. Classic, with men..when they're interested in another woman they just can't seem to keep her name out of their mouth. Your DH is the issue. He is being massively disrespectful of you he needs to wind his neck in, shut up about her and keep to workplace boundaries. Yes, definetely read the Shirley Glass book and its time for a no-holds barred talk with your DH, too. He's out of order. Wonder if he'd like it if you constantly mentioned a male work colleague's name at home?

Ok, I'm going to assume (a BIG assumption) that your DH is innocent of any nefarious schemes with regards to Ms Pretty. Fine. But at the very least he does have problems with boundaries. As in business-like behaviour with a female colleague. Knowingly or unknowingly he has crossed the boundary with her as far as business colleagues go. Has he come home and talked on about Bob or John or Tom at the office and their interests and opinions? About how all the females in the office are 'all over them'? Has he felt it necessary to divulge every little detail about the hiring of a male colleague and his looks or lack of qualifications? Would he hide the fact that he went to an across the country business meeting with Bob, John, or Tom? If he doesn't or wouldn't do it with a male colleague, then he shouldn't do it with a female colleague.

The problem with crossing boundaries is that it leads to an intimacy that should NOT be part of a workplace friendship. An intimacy that may lead to either an emotional or physical affair.

Your husband already has form for lying to you. In 30 years in the workforce neither my DH nor I ever found it necessary to lie about a work colleague of the opposite sex to 'save feelings'. Neither did my husband ever 'have' to go to a strip club because of a client. Situations like that did arise (very rarely), but he was always allowed to 'bow out' without repercussions.

And you don't have to 'just trust him' until he deserves your trust. Right now he doesn't deserve it because he's lied to you about some very important things. He needs to earn your trust back, not demand that you give it!

He said he could prove to me that they travelled separately across the country by producing some expenses that prove this. However when I pushed him on this he said she is so inept that she has lost them all. I honestly feel sick. I phoned him on that journey and told him some very personal things and I thought he sounded quite quiet. I then found out this was the day of the meetings with her but he said they both travelled separately. Am I just a total mug?

He said that when the boss asked 'is she a looker' he didn't say anything, it was apparently his colleague who did the second interview who said yes she is.
However he told me this girl came recommended through a guy in his industry who said 'you should give this girl a chance, and she's a bit of a looker.' He said he was relieved when he met her that she wasn't 'all that' and therefore felt comfortable hiring her.

Regarding the fact she wasn't very friendly or direct with me when we met, my husband said she would have been nervous meeting the boss' wife. I thought maybe she just doesn't have much of a personality.

He also said she was so feckless that he was working on getting rid of her, but I saw an email from his boss asking about her progress and my husband States that 'good-sge has opportunities in pipeline and a sale hopefully coming in next week.'
I've also seen him really going out on a limb on email to get her sales in, but he says he fights for all his team.

OP, you are forgetting the one thing that you should always have at the front of your mind - this man lies to you.

So it doesn't matter what he says, it might be true, it might not. You will never know.

What you have to base your decision on is whether or not you trust him. If you don't, your relationship is over anyway, it's just a matter of deciding if you want to stay with him anyway.

Everyone I have been confronted with evidence of something he denies it till he's blue in the face, not a great basis to win or maintain my trust. So I have to get a divorce and bring up my children alone, I'm utterly terrified. All he says to me is this is all so silly, you are being silly and should believe your husband. He says I'm throwing away everything for nothing.

Every time*

It doesn't matter what he says. Remember - he lies.

You don't need to give any more of a reason other than, 'This isn't working for me any more. I don't want to be with you.'

Believe me, if he really wants to change, he will.

So, is he willing to go to counseling if that is what YOU need to be able to regain your trust?

If I loved my spouse and wanted to keep my marriage, I would. Because it would be what THEY needed to be happy.

Why are still focusing on her and what she did and where she might have been..?

Crap like this from your 'D'H really winds me up. If a bloke, or an unattractive woman, was shit at their job would he be mooning around holding their hand? Of course not they would be gone.

It is not just disrespectful it is deeply sexist and reinforces the stereotype that women are nothing more than decoration. Combined with the lap dancing your husband sounds like a right sexist git. You can do better than a man who sees all women, including you and any daughters you have, as lesser beings put on earth for men's entertainment.

He said he knows it all sounds bad but he has not done a single thing with this woman. It bugs me he won't even admit he finds her attractive. He said when I pushed him on it that she has a decent body but her face leaves him cold.