Husbands porn - without a lecture please

[HarpGirl]

My husband looks at porn. It used to be magazines. Now with his iPad, there are several sites in his Safari Advanced. I'm going to list some of them... but please don't lecture me. I'm replacing the letter "u" with a hashtag - to keep it clean:

m.vidsf#cker.com
m.exposedwebcams.com
f#ckbookofsex.com
xdating.com
adultfriendfinder.com
18and abused.com
mrskin.com
m.pornstar.com

These are only some of what is in his history.

He used to deny he was looking at porn. Finally he said "Yes I'm looking..." "Yes, I like it..." No, I'm never going to stop..."

He says he's NEVER been to an online dating site. "These sites just pop-up." Aren't these sites more than photos? Are they not actual live webcams of women and/or sex acts, and hook-up opportunities? Do you need an account to access them? Do they really just pop-up in the history without having been visited? AND - are these sites free? I am expected to be careful with the money I spend... Is he using our money to buy porn?

Again - I don't need a lecture about "snooping"... I need an honest answer about these sites... I feel like I'm all alone in this. Please be kind.

Porn sites have a lot of pop ups - that's how they make money out of advertising revenue. i genuinely don't know if they show on browser history.

For me, i would want him to show me exactly what sites he has been looking at.

Also you really don't have to pay for it.

Im on the fence about it. My dp might look at porn once or twice a year and we've watched together but both really agree it all abit nasty. Id have a problem if he watched it regularly

If something pops up on the iPad to my knowledge it doesn't show in your history. Why would it? That would just mean anything could appear............

Welcome to Mumsnet

I don't know the specifics but there are a lot of free porn sites, but most do include and link to paid for "services" like webcam live women, services to find local others who want no-strings sex. Plus of course paid-for hard core porn.

He probably clicked links to find those sites.

Those do actually sound like pop ups, especially f#ckbook and adultfriendfinder.

They are hook up sites....I found ex on one if those with a profile....

Vile

Are you only concerned he has been trying to meet up? If so the adult friend finder doesn't look good

Righty hooo.

Rightly so you don't want a lecture or a porn debate - can easily get into that on here! So just for exactly what you were asking:

As a female, who watches porn, and so does my partner.

Yes - there are tons of popups - annoyingly so.

Free - yes most of them are free (for example porntube, xhamster), you do have to pay for some, but they are usually a waste of time and an con.

BUT some aren't popups, and you will never know unless they "popped up" on you.

There are loads of live webcam sites (which you DO have to pay for) and dating sites, and "meet hookers in this area" sites. I can't see "18andabused" kind of sites being a popup - that's pretty specific material!

What you could do - which does involve snooping, is set up a popup blocker, and see if these sites still appear - if they do - then you know he is clicking on them. Or if you already have a pop up blocker - then he probably is clicking on them.

But if you have already confronted him it's likely he will be better at hiding things from now on. #

It's a pickle...

Adult friend finder is 100% a pop up.

I don't know about the others.

Adult ff was the one I found ex on. He had a profile on there. However once you've visited it I believe pop ups would be rife.

Info about Adult Friend Finder pop up here

If you look on advanced safari I believe it shows you the amount of data etc....perhaps if its really low that would indicate an advert type thing rather than using site....

I'm not sure though as not very clued up with gadgets

I don't have a problem with porn as I watch it myself, it only becomes a problem when they are meeting up with anyone. That's unacceptable

Surely any website will show on you history if it's had a page open on your browser? So that would include pop-ups.

I use a pop-up blocker, and only allow through sites where I have chosen to see the pop-up as an exception. But porn sites are notorious for advertising pop-ups, so the other way to reduce them coming up in history is not to go there in the first place.

Speaking as a porn user, those are all pop ups I recognise. Most of them are fake sites or malware traps, according to my virus guard.

Thank you for all of your responses... I'm not sure what I'm trying to figure out... I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to figure out what my boundaries are... I cannot ask him to show me what sites he goes to. This is private to him, and he's not going to want to share. It matters to me if he is looking a pics - but I think I can deal with that. If he is actually watching webcams, and/or talking with women, then it's a breach that I will not excuse. His demeanor towards me has changed. The way he is when we are “together” has changed. I don’t want to accuse him of something he has not/is not doing. But I also don’t want to be naïve when something doesn’t seem right – and I ignore it. I’m married, and I love my husband – but I’m not dumb… and I’m not dead.

AFF is not just a pop up but there are adverts which say things like "sexy russian girls" or whatever and if you click on it it redirects to AFF.
So it's a bit tricky and easy to end up with in your browser history (if you are clicking porn links).

The way he is when we are “together” has changed.

and I’m not dead

I've read a lot about how watching porn changes the way men view sex and what they want to get from it. I.e. they start behaving in real life how they see men treating women in the porn they watch.

When you say you don't want a lecture, do you mean that you don't people to talk about you checking up on his internet history?

There's a few posters above saying they happily watch porn. I am against porn, and my partner using porn would be a deal breaker for me.

If you are on one of the main free porn hubs, live webcams do pop up when you click on a pic/vid. As do other (sometimes nastier) sites. I never watched a live webcam, or chatted, as I agree with OP that it seems a further breach.

You have to shut them down before looking at what you've actually selected. Not least because the pop-ups can slow down the streaming of the video you've selected.

(I've given up internet porn, mainly thanks to Mumsnet discussions of it).

Vivacia... Yes - I don't want a lecture about checking up on him... I also don't want to hear that "porn is fine"... and "what aren't I giving him"...

Porn is not okay with me, nor will it ever be. When I say I'm trying to understand, it's me holding onto my faith, and making my promise to God the most important thing... To make a good decision - I want to have all of the facts...

"Porn is not okay with me, nor will it ever be. When I say I'm trying to understand, it's me holding onto my faith"

If this is the case then it doesn't really matter if the sites you have shared are popups or not, because at the end of the day, he's still watched porn and you don't agree with that.

He has said he likes it and won't stop.

So really your issue is bigger than Identifying the popups.

some of the information/addresses wont come from popups - they will be generated via targeted advertising - so if you look at a specific product it will show an advert with a related subject - these will be pushed from companies like ad choices. all big sites use this type of advertising - its how they generate revenue. as someone else mentioned sites like adultfinder pop up all over the place even if you haven't been looking at porn.

most sites are free and some will need accounts for them to be used however these accounts can be created free of charge.

I also don't want to hear that "porn is fine"... and "what aren't I giving him"

Are you new here?
I would say there is a sizeable proportion of MNetters who are very anti-porn and currently sitting on their hands, resisting giving a lecture pointing out the harm of porn!

Okay... Lecture away! ... and yes, I AM new here! I would be very relieved to know that people understand what I'm going through... I'm terribly sad... frightened... confused... angry... and a whole host of other feelings...

I really do appreciate everyone's input.