Husbands porn - without a lecture please

[HarpGirl]

My husband looks at porn. It used to be magazines. Now with his iPad, there are several sites in his Safari Advanced. I'm going to list some of them... but please don't lecture me. I'm replacing the letter "u" with a hashtag - to keep it clean:

m.vidsf#cker.com
m.exposedwebcams.com
f#ckbookofsex.com
xdating.com
adultfriendfinder.com
18and abused.com
mrskin.com
m.pornstar.com

These are only some of what is in his history.

He used to deny he was looking at porn. Finally he said "Yes I'm looking..." "Yes, I like it..." No, I'm never going to stop..."

He says he's NEVER been to an online dating site. "These sites just pop-up." Aren't these sites more than photos? Are they not actual live webcams of women and/or sex acts, and hook-up opportunities? Do you need an account to access them? Do they really just pop-up in the history without having been visited? AND - are these sites free? I am expected to be careful with the money I spend... Is he using our money to buy porn?

Again - I don't need a lecture about "snooping"... I need an honest answer about these sites... I feel like I'm all alone in this. Please be kind.

I would like to know that if your husband says he likes it and isn't going to stop, yet you are completely opposed to porn, why are you only asking about the popups.

The fact is, if all they are are pop ups..

You still have the situation that your husband is watching porn and you don't agree with it.

So asking about the popups solves nothing.

You and your partner need to sit down and TALK about how to overcome this.

IF you don't agree with porn then people lecturing you about how bad it is won't matter, because you already don't agree with it, it's your husband who you need to convince... :/

I agree that you and your husband need to talk. This isn't about pop-ups. Firstly, it's about your right to an enjoyable sex life.

Before you talk you need to know where your line in the sand is. It's perfectly reasonable for your line to include being with a man who doesn't choose to watch misogynistic videos of women being exploited, assaulted and humiliated.

Hermit... Yes - I know... I didn't mean to ask just about pop-ups.

What I'm trying to do is to understand if the sites listed in my original post, which show in his Safari Advanced Website Data, would be there if they had popped-up and not been accessed... or they are sites that were actually accessed. There is a specific reason I'm asking this... (although maybe my verbiage is not correct...)

It's kind of like this:

1. I don't feel so well... (porn photos - something we might be able to work out)
2. I have to have my stomach removed... (porn videos that are recorded, but not "live" - this is absolutely intolerable, and I want us to go to counseling NOW!)
3. I am terminally ill... (actual contact with someone, either via adult chat or webcams - I'm off to an attorney) I am not making light of the words "terminally ill". This would be the death of our marriage.

So - the level is important to me. If he is not accessing these - then I want to know... If he is actually accessing them - then I still want to know!

AND - if he's spending our money on them - then this would be a whole new layer of broken trust (not to mention that's it's part of my divorce settlement he's using...)

So, back to the paragraph above... How can I tell if he is visiting these sites, or if they just popped-up?

I'm fairly liberal in my views about porn, but I would really question whether I wanted to stay married to someone who had "18andabused" in his porn site list. That would be my line in the sand.

But having said that, I think there is more than porn at the root of your problem. It's about your husband's attitude to you, that he lied, and now won't even discuss it with you.

HarpGirl -

As I stated in my first post, they CAN be just pop ups - someone mentioned maybe looking at how much data was transfered via these sites in your internet settings, or how many times there were visited.

As for your 3 levels of "disgust" as you will. I THINK you are looking at level 2 at a minimum....

Porn Photos - people do use - but rare? you can do a simple google image search to get those, that avoids any popups, mess, or problems, so if someone was just looking for a photo, it would be sensible that they use that.

More porn website likely to produce this number or popups would be video ones (like the ones I mentioned before) Kind of like youtube.. but porn.

They do get pop ups of live streaming webcams, you just minimise and ignore them. People using live cams will be paying, and people using the "meet sexy locals, meet sluts" kind of sites will also be paying. (so if you have shared finances then it should be easy to find this)

There are however instances where porn can be paid for - and purely be by accident. I did it on my phone, clicked the wrong thing and it started charging me and sending me spam porn messages all day every day - very embarrassing conversation for me with Vodafone to get it all blocked! which involved a lot of "yes of course you didn't mean to go there" type comments lol :) (it actually was pure accident, so I was shocked how easy it was for money to be taken from my bill!!)

Thank you...

It's all speculation HarpGirl

You really need to speak to him.

His attitude of "I'm not stopping" Is completely out of order and not taking your feelings into consideration.

I wouldn't tell him your 3 levels, as he is likely to lie about what it is he actually looks at. I would first find out what he is looking at at why (if he tells you!) and go from there.

If he won't tell you then you know what to do - as he clearly doesn't respect you. xx

Yes, porn sites do have pop-up ads. Hope he has a good anti-virus system, too! I do watch porn from time to time..more so than my partner, who can take it or leave it. Occasionally we watch together. But if he were uncomfortable with it Id show him the sites I viewed. I also do not think a person viewing porn means he is going to meet up with people, at all. I suppose the issue for you here is whether your husband's porn viewing is a dealbreaker for you, or not. I hope you can have a full and frank talk with him about it

Links to 18and abused videos are advertised on x hamster and other main sites but I think they are possibly dodgy links (like neofaust said) or ones that charge. I saw them when i looked on x hamster, also checking dh history.

Because you can never be sure that what you are getting off to is the abuse of young girls and boys who have been coerced or are underage, I consider porn use to be unacceptable. Even a tiny percentage of abuse is too much.

Op, it is ok to object to porn on ethical grounds. Don't let anyone say your self esteem is poor because you don't look like the "18andabused nympho" or suchlike and that you should relax because "all men watch porn" (they don't....but lots of people have tried to convince me otherwise, for reasons only known to them)

You have a problem if porn is a dealbreaker for you but he refuses to stop doing it.

I will never accept his use of any porn, for any reason. His showing me the sites he goes too (should he be so inclined) would not make me feel better. I cannot imagine that he would even consider showing me...

My marriage vows mean everything to me... I'm not a sucker... I have my heart invested in this relationship - and I'll leave on my own terms...

What's important to me is that I don't knee-jerk this situation. I'm not going to stomp out, yelling, screaming and crying.

I'll take the appropriate steps to leave is a way that is best for me - and that means rationally - and with a strong sense of self...

I'll yell, scream and cry when I drive away... but for now I have every intention of keeping my wits about me... Know what I mean?

AFF is not a porn site it's a sex meetup site, like sexintheuk etc

It might come up as a popup but popups don't generally register in your history if you haven't clicked on them.

If my husband had 18andabused.com in his history, he would be out of the house.

It sounds as if he's accessed a mixture of sex meetup sites, webcam sites and porn.

I know exactly what you mean.

I have a daughter of 18. She may be "legal" for porn (just) but she is still a child. I wonder what your husband would make of her.

Just one of those young women/girls that are good enough to wank over, but not good enough to respect as anything other than a receptacle and collection of orifices ?

Whoever wanks off to teen abuse scenarios is a sick fucker who deserves to be parted from his dick.

As an aside, BelfastBloke I am glad that at least one user of MN has had a change of heart about their porn use after reading/contributing to discussions here

I want to tell you that I feel better - just reading the responses in here... I felt so alone when I started this post earlier today...

Sometimes - you simply need to bounce things off someone else...

You're not alone Harp.

(Do you mind me asking how you found this board?).

You will always get a listening ear here, HG

Fyi....

Camsites are now the fasting growing online porn sector apparently. These are showing live amateurs (mostly) who are doing whatever it is they want to do, while many hundreds or thousands of people are watching online and a very few are tipping the performers, who are often earning quite nicely from it.

www.salon.com/2001/08/13/cam_girls/

Camsites aren't generally hookup sites and most of the other sites op listed would be seen as popups / fake/malware etc.

You're certainly not alone OP.

Some of those site will be popups that store in iPad website data under advanced settings. I've replicated this myself to check, though I haven't heard of 18andabused! So it doesn't necessarily mean he's clicked on them, but then it also doesn't mean he hasn't. It does mean he's been looking a porn sites though.

I'm shocked at his response. His response is as telling as what he's been doing.

Take what you can from here, there will be a range of views, some you'll agree with, some you won't. Draw your own line in the sand and stick to it. You have to decide what your deal breakers are. Do not let your husband tell you what you should and shouldn't accept in your own marriage.

Vivacia... I don't mind telling you a bit! About 2 years ago - my coworker was pregnant - and she was having an awful time with swollen legs and feet, and some other issues. I did a Google search, and there were tons of sites... One of them that came up was this one. She and I read through many of the posts in here... hoping to get some answers. She ended up going well past her due date - making matters worst. I've never seen anyone blow up in the legs like that!

After her daughter was born, if she had a question, we'd come on over and take a look to see what MUMS might offer!

This morning, I went into Google to see what I could find about my husbands iPad history... and UP came your site! So I read the post, and decided to ask on a personal level for myself...